Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #22: No Dumb Arguments With Teenagers

May 9, 2008 · 1 Comment

from vodpod.com posted with vodpod

Teenagers are a preculiar breed of people.

No longer kids yet not quite adults, they live in a world of limbo where they are not quite ready to take on the world themselves, yet still have a strong need to have a life free from their parent’s rules.  Consequently, the teenage years can be quite the little hell for parents to deal with – and part of that hell includes having dumb arguments with their moronic-acting children.

Because their hormones aren’t quite at a level that makes them want to make sense, teenagers will constantly go out and do things that are… well, stupid to say the least – yet be willing and ready to defend their actions at any moment with as much yelling, pouting, foot-stopming and gusto as they can!

A teenager will do something dumb, like throw a party at their parents house whilst they are out of town, and then get mad at THEM for coming home earlier than expected and finding out about the festivities being thrown in their absence.  This teenager will scream and shout about how they are no longer a little kid, that the friends they had over weren’t doing anything, all the while knowing that they were in the wrong for disobeying their parents’ rules in the first place!

And if a teenager feels like they’re losing an argument – i.e. they understand what they are saying is extremely stupid yet can’t go back on it, lest they admit to their parents that they were wrong – they use the oh-so-famous argument of:

“Well, didn’t YOU ever make mistakes like this when YOU were young???” (Incidentally, I always said that if I had kids and they asked this question, my response would be: “Yes, I did, and I got grounded for a month for doing it.  Do you want the same punishment??”)

Arguments with teenagers are NOT fun.  Whereas kids will usually throw a tantrum for a time (also not fun) then move on to the next thing within a few hours, teenagers can take an argument and drag it out for DAYS.  You could have an argument about your teenager needing to clean the dishes in the kitchen, and they’ll come back at you with “You never notice all those times when I DID clean the dishes!!! I hate you!!”  Next thing you know, you have a teen around your house who, for 5 days, answers everything you say or ask of them with, “not that you’ll notice if I DO do it, mom!”

As an adult who survived this period of idiocracy in his life and lived to tell about it, I don’t feel the need to spend 7 years of my life arguing with a teenager about dumb stuff.  Teens make decisions to do dumb stuff that is unsafe, not healthy for them, and breaks the rules – and the last thing I feel the need to do is spend any brain power trying to think of a way to explain the consequences of this stuff logically to a person who wants to do illogical stuff.

And if nothing I’ve said in this article convinces you NOT to have kids, please watch the video above – it involves a mother trying to put some sense into her daugher’s head after having snuck out the house to meet up with a guy… that she just met on MySpace?!?  How DUMB is that?!?

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers · Uncategorized
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #17: Restaurant Blues

April 29, 2008 · No Comments

In the past week, I’ve eaten at quite a few restaurants (mostly because I’ve been on vacation), and at each of these restaurants I’ve noticed a repeated theme:

Parents with annoying kids!

I’ve seen so many incidents where adults have come in with their kids, and the chaotic incidents that result, that I couldn’t just come up with one particular incident to write about. But it’s easy to see why – it’s not just this week, but kids in restaurants in general that piss me off!

One of the reasons I don’t want to have kids is because taking them out to eat at a restaurant can be quite the hassle – and not just for the parents. There’s a whole section of people that get pissed off as a result of parents taking their kids out to eat. Let’s go through the list, shall we?



Parents know prior to taking their baby/kid out to a restaurant if they are going to act out or not. Some people would just say, “well, if they know, why don’t they just leave the kid home with a babysitter?”

The truth of the matter, though, is that stuff sometimes happens that forces the parent to drag the little brats along: the babysitter has to study for a test, Grandma can’t make it due to her bad hip, etc. The point is, when they can’t get someone to look after their kid, they have to take them out to eat with them.

And it sucks, because parents HATE getting embarrassed by kids in public. Look at all the hassles they cause: they cry, they wiggle around, they make messes, and worse – if the kid is under a year old, they may have to be breastfed. Nothing a new mother loves more than having to whip out her tig ol’ biddies in public just because baby’s gotta drink, too!

And that’s just babies – don’t get me started on older kids! They whine about what foods they want, and for some reason they just can’t seem to keep their little butts still! If the parents don’t bring along a bundle of toys or DVDs to play with, they usually end up playing hide-and-go seek with their siblings by running around the restaurant! What kinda bull-spit is that?!?

Then, since kids usually eat faster than adults, they end up sitting there looking all upset that they can’t leave the restaurant yet because the grown-ups are still eating!! Is this the kind of behavior I want to deal with everytime I want to go out for a nice meal? Uh, NO!

Besides, with kids I probably wouldn’t get to enjoy the meal anyway! Between me having to constantly leave the table with one of them to explain over and over again why their behavior isn’t approriate, and having them want to tell me stories about stuff I’m definately NOT interested in (”Daddy, guess what Hannah Montana did today??”), I’d barely have time to sip on my drink!


Servers HATE tables with kids.

Don’t think for a second that a waiter gets all excited about serving a table that has any young people at it – it’s pure HELL. Why? For several reasons:

*Kids are messy: That server already knows they will have to clean up a HUGE amount of mess after that table leaves, thereby distracting them from dealing with other tables and affecting their money.

*Kids are shy: A cute quality to have when they’re too scared to speak up at their own house, but an ANNOYING quality to have when the parents insist upon having the kid tell the waiter what they want to eat!

*Kids throw fits: If something arrives at the table wrong, they don’t politely ask if it can be fixed. No, kids act like it’s the end of the world, and start crying and complaining with no sense of respect!


If I go to a restaurant, and notice that the table next to me has infants and/or young children sitting at it, I ask to move! Why?


When kids get upset at restaurants, they cry. And most kids I’ve heard crying at restaurants have no sense of voice pitch control, so their crying usually ends up sounding like a loud siren.

People who dine around these kids always wish they could switch sections! There they are, trying to enjoy a fabulous meal in honor of an anniversary, first date, etc., and, just as the man goes in to whisper sweet nothings in his date’s ear…


Now they’ve lost their appetite, AND they’re no longer in the mood for some lovin’ later!

Let’s face it people: no matter how much you may like kids, seeing or hearing one of these little brats in a restaurant is annoying enough to make ANYONE have second thoughts about having their own! Personally, I’d much rather spend the rest of my life knowing I can go out and eat in peace…

…instead of having to spend my outings stuck in the bathroom trying to disipline some crying rugrat!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Uncategorized
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