Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #74: Stink Bombs & Other Kid Pranks Are Annoying

January 11, 2009 · 1 Comment


Above: A video on how to make a stink bomb.  Somewhere, some kid is watching this and thinking, “hmm, I should make one to use on Mom and Dad!”

This past week, I stayed with my Mom while awaiting my moving day from Virginia to California.  My mom is in grad school now, and, in order to afford it, she sold her house and is temporarily living with a close friend of hers named Shelia* (not real name, thus the star next to it) and her 10-year old son, Marvin* (also not real name ).

A little bit about Marvin: he’s an only child whose father isn’t really in his life, and, because his mom works long hours, he spends a lot of time at home by himself.  Consequently, whenever me or my Mom are around, his neediness for attention ends up falling into our laps.

A few days ago, I had to run out to get some extra moving supplies.  I took my Mom’s car and headed out to run my errands, thus leaving my Mom and Marvin at the house.  After picking up the items I needed, I went back to the house.

Upon walking into the house, I noticed a strange yet familiar odor permeating throughout the house.  As I walked closer to my Mom’s room, the smell got stronger.  It was then I realized what the smell was…

NAIL POLISH?!?

As it turns out, while I was gone, Marvin had gotten bored.  So, he decided to mix together a few of the item in the bathroom – one of them being his Mom’s nail polish – and create a stink bomb.  IN THE HOUSE.  Next to MY Mom’s room. 

And so, the penetrating smell of nail polish and… well, whatever else it was he had decided to use… lingered on for the next 3 hours, annoying everyone but Marvin in the process.

The end.

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As an adult, I am past the age where I find juvenile pranks to be funny.  Now, they are just annoying, and a waste of my time.

Kids, however, find pranks to be hilarious, regardless of who they are performed on.  And, because they don’t always have a good sense of whether or not something they’re about to do is a good idea or not, many of their pranks aren’t just unfunny, but dangerous.

How so? A kid prank could consist of toilet papering someone’s property, from the house to the yard and everything in-between.  Funny, right?  Sure it is – unless you’re the person who has to remove all the toilet paper from your house, or remove it from inside your grass, which is made harder by the fact that, if it rains right after they’ve done it, getting it out could be a REAL headache!

Or, how about another fun kid prank: flushing the toilet on purpose while you’re trying to take a shower? Aww, how nice – now Daddy’s got third degree burns! Oh Timmy, you’re so funny!

Ha ha ha ha ha, NOT!  Kid pranks are annoying.  Adult pranks are annoying too, actually, but at least they don’t usually involve the damaging of my property or person!

What’s even worse is, if I have a kid, and HE or SHE is the one doing a prank on someone – and it ends up hurting that person or damaging something – it’s not the kid the other person will go after.  That’s right: I would be the one called out for bad parenting, even though it was my kid who did the action behind my back!

Sorry, people, but like I said before, I’ve outgrown the “prank” stage of my life, and I’m not trying to deal with the consequences of something dumb my kid did just to get a laugh.  Here’s a prank for ya:  how about I just get a vasectomy instead, and NEVER have kids? Gotcha!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Child Free · Family
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