Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Entries from January 2009

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #75: Things I Consider Fun (Like Obama’s Inauguration) are “Boring” or “Annoying” to Kids

January 20, 2009 · 2 Comments


Above: A kid gets REAL tired while onstage behind George W. Bush, who was giving a speech.  Odd – I would have found it too fun to sleep!

A close friend of mine called me yesterday to inform me that she was going to Barack Obama’s Inauguration ceremony. And no, she didn’t have tickets.

Since the crowd is going to be HUGE at this historical event, my friend knew it would be wise to wait in advance.  So, at around 11 PM last night, she and a group of others headed out to where the event would be taking place so they could camp out overnight and get a view closer to the steps.

Had I not recently moved to California, I, too, would have gladly joined in the festivities with her.  I’m the same person that, a couple of years ago, waited 15 hours in line overnight just so I could purchase a Nintendo Wii to resell on eBay.  But I like doing those types of things – they can be quite fun, and you get to meet other people who have a similar feel for what you consider “exciting.”

However, these types of activities can be quite annoying to children. And when children aren’t having a good time, WATCH OUT! ‘Cause chances are, your fun time is going to be drastically reduced.

I can imagine there are hundreds of thousands of people who have taken their kids to this event.  There they are, trying to wait in the cold overnight and talk to others around them… and their little rug-rat, who was “dragged” to this event, is out there creating a fuss:

  • “Moo-oom! It’s too cold out here!”
  • “I need to go to the baaaath-room!”
  • “Why do we have to wait out here all night?!?”
  • “Couldn’t we just watch it on TV? We’re not going to get a good view anyway!”
  • “I’m missing my friend’s party for this!”
  • “My video game’s batteries just died! Now I have nothing to do!”
  • “But I’m going to catch pneumonia and die!  How can you let me die, ma?!?”

How do I know this is going on? Because kids are predictable: anytime they have to do something that they themselves either didn’t think of, or don’t consider fun, they complain.

Parents know this is going to happen whenever they want to do something that’s fun for THEM. This is why, 9 times out of 10, they usually forgo doing anything for themselves, if only to not have to hear their kid whine/cry/go on about how much they don’t want to do something.

At the same time, even parents have to be self-serving every once in a while.  And if they can’t find a babysitter, they have no choice but to bring the kids along, all the while knowing the misery that will come because of it!

I, on the other hand, don’t have to worry about that.  If my idea of fun is waiting in line for something all day, or sitting around the house reading a book or playing video games, it doesn’t matter how long I do it for! Why? Because I don’t have to worry if I’m being “annoying” or “boring someone to death” by doing the things I like to do!

Ah yes, the joys of NEVER having children shows itself once again!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for one of my blogs!

Categories: Child Free · Childfree · Family
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #74: Stink Bombs & Other Kid Pranks Are Annoying

January 11, 2009 · 1 Comment


Above: A video on how to make a stink bomb.  Somewhere, some kid is watching this and thinking, “hmm, I should make one to use on Mom and Dad!”

This past week, I stayed with my Mom while awaiting my moving day from Virginia to California.  My mom is in grad school now, and, in order to afford it, she sold her house and is temporarily living with a close friend of hers named Shelia* (not real name, thus the star next to it) and her 10-year old son, Marvin* (also not real name ).

A little bit about Marvin: he’s an only child whose father isn’t really in his life, and, because his mom works long hours, he spends a lot of time at home by himself.  Consequently, whenever me or my Mom are around, his neediness for attention ends up falling into our laps.

A few days ago, I had to run out to get some extra moving supplies.  I took my Mom’s car and headed out to run my errands, thus leaving my Mom and Marvin at the house.  After picking up the items I needed, I went back to the house.

Upon walking into the house, I noticed a strange yet familiar odor permeating throughout the house.  As I walked closer to my Mom’s room, the smell got stronger.  It was then I realized what the smell was…

NAIL POLISH?!?

As it turns out, while I was gone, Marvin had gotten bored.  So, he decided to mix together a few of the item in the bathroom – one of them being his Mom’s nail polish – and create a stink bomb.  IN THE HOUSE.  Next to MY Mom’s room. 

And so, the penetrating smell of nail polish and… well, whatever else it was he had decided to use… lingered on for the next 3 hours, annoying everyone but Marvin in the process.

The end.

- – - – -

As an adult, I am past the age where I find juvenile pranks to be funny.  Now, they are just annoying, and a waste of my time.

Kids, however, find pranks to be hilarious, regardless of who they are performed on.  And, because they don’t always have a good sense of whether or not something they’re about to do is a good idea or not, many of their pranks aren’t just unfunny, but dangerous.

How so? A kid prank could consist of toilet papering someone’s property, from the house to the yard and everything in-between.  Funny, right?  Sure it is – unless you’re the person who has to remove all the toilet paper from your house, or remove it from inside your grass, which is made harder by the fact that, if it rains right after they’ve done it, getting it out could be a REAL headache!

Or, how about another fun kid prank: flushing the toilet on purpose while you’re trying to take a shower? Aww, how nice – now Daddy’s got third degree burns! Oh Timmy, you’re so funny!

Ha ha ha ha ha, NOT!  Kid pranks are annoying.  Adult pranks are annoying too, actually, but at least they don’t usually involve the damaging of my property or person!

What’s even worse is, if I have a kid, and HE or SHE is the one doing a prank on someone – and it ends up hurting that person or damaging something – it’s not the kid the other person will go after.  That’s right: I would be the one called out for bad parenting, even though it was my kid who did the action behind my back!

Sorry, people, but like I said before, I’ve outgrown the “prank” stage of my life, and I’m not trying to deal with the consequences of something dumb my kid did just to get a laugh.  Here’s a prank for ya:  how about I just get a vasectomy instead, and NEVER have kids? Gotcha!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Child Free · Family
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #73: Jon and Kate Plus 8

January 9, 2009 · 12 Comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtvYIFlJyyk
Above: A clip from TLC’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” where the two parents talk about why they are always fighting.  I think I know the answer – too many dang kids! (Note: They won’t allow me to embed the clip, but click on the link above to see what I’m talking about!)

If you are ever hanging on the fence about whether or not to have kids, do yourself a favor: watch “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ on The Learning Channel (TLC), and see if you don’t want to head out and get that vasectomy/tube tied right away!

For those of you without cable, “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ is a reality show that follows the lives of Jon, Kate, and their brood of 8 children: one set of twin girls, and one set of sextuplets (three girls and three boys).

I stumbled upon this show by accident while flipping through channels during Thanksgiving at my Grandmother’s house.  Once I knew what the show was about, I started taking notes on some of the things these two parents – who, after having the twins, only wanted to try for ONE more child – have to deal with on a daily basis. 

Man, oh man, is it ugly.

Prior to knowing this show existed, my nightmare was having to deal with ONE crying child.  Now, picture having to deal with SIX crying children at one time, all running around in various directions, fighting with each other over different things, and see if you’d be able to do it all without wanting to scream your OWN head off – not to mention the head of your spouse!

Well, guess what? On this show, that’s EXACTLY what happens. 

Kate, who I assume, at one point, was a calm, loving person, is now a mom whose entire life consists of nagging her kids.  She nags them because, to be fair, they always seem ready to do something stupid to hurt themselves or their siblings.  Almost everything she says to them is “no,” “stop it,” “mommy said come over here,” and other annoying phrases that parents are forced to say to their kids all the time.

But her kids aren’t the only ones who get nagged – Mr. Jon, who works long hours as an engineer, also gets to join in on the fun!  Yes, nothing must make him happier than coming home from a 12-hour work day, at a job he got to support his extremely big family, only to hear comments from his wife like:

  • “Please don’t squish the cereal in your anger…”
  • (To one of the kids) “Don’t listen to Daddy – he’s mean!”
  • (After he accidentally used the wrong colored scrunchie for the girls’ hair) “Did you hear me?” (Jon, from the other room: “Yes!”) “What was the end of what I said?”

Yes, ladies and gentleman, she talks to him like a child!  As a result, both of them (more her than him) say sarcastic stuff to each other and/or use their words as weapons – all in front of the kids!  Isn’t that great?  Now, when the kids get older, they’ll think that the person they’re dating doesn’t love them – as they learned from their parents, if two people aren’t fighting, they must not really love each other!

But aside from the arguing parents, what REALLY makes this show a great reason for birth control is watching the overall effect the kids have on their parents’ lives.  8 kids means:

  • 8 times the amount of money spent on grocery shopping;
  • 8 times the amount of crying;
  • 8 times the amount of diapers that have to be changed;
  • 8 times the number of “I don’t know’s” the parents have to hear when something breaks or isn’t clean
  • 8 times the mess that has to be cleaned up in the house
  • 8 times the amount of kids that have to be looked after when in public

And what’s all of that equal up to? 8 times the amount of stress both parents are constantly having to face day to day - no wonder they are always arguing with each other!  And to go from having 2 kids to 8 kids couldn’t have been easy, especially on Jon, who is younger, and was 27 when the sextuplets were born!

Now, those of you who are on the fence may see this show and think, “Well, okay, so I might not want 8 kids, but what’s wrong with having 1 or 2?” And, as I always like to say, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have kids, be it 1, 2, or 8. 

HOWEVER, if you’re already thinking you might not want to deal with the hassles that kids can bring, imagine how you’ll feel when you decide to try having ONE kid - like Jon and Kate wanted – and “accidentally” ending up with more than you bargained for?  By then it will be too late to go back…

…unless, of course, you want to end up being a deadbeat Mom/Dad who doesn’t really pay much attention to their kids.  You COULD, in theory, go that route.  As for me, I think I’ll just stick to NEVER having kids in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Children Horror Stories” to the same address – who knows? It could end up being the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Child Free · Family
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #72: They Don’t Understand the Meaning of “Recession”

January 1, 2009 · 3 Comments


Above: This guy talks about buying gifts for kids for Christmas while in a recession.  Frikkin’ hilarious!

The world is in a recession. 

Economies all around the world are seeing the value of their paper money drop faster than Madonna on prom night.  Stock markets are in disarray, people are losing jobs, and newer jobs are harder and harder to come by.

For this reason, adults around the globe are doing the best they can to hold onto whatever money they have.  They understand that, in order to eat, pay their bills on time and keep their house, they may have to do without certain “wants” so that their “needs” can be met.

Unfortunately, most of these adults have children.  And children do not understand the meaning of the word “recession.”

Kids, in general, do not have a sense of how money actually works.  As far as they know, everything they receive is magically produced for them; therefore, according to their logic, they should be able to get whatever they want, whenever they want it. 

This makes it hard for little Timmy to understand why their Mommy or Daddy who, just 6 months ago was able to pay for a huge birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese Pizza, suddenly can’t get them that $30 Nintendo DS game they’ve been wanting FOR-E-VER!  They don’t understand that Daddy was making lots of money at his job back then, but may have had to take a pay-cut to avoid getting axed out of a job!

Oh sure, a parent can TRY to sit their children down and explain to them how the worldwide market, currently being in a downward spiral, is preventing them from buying that game for them.  But kids are kids – they don’t care about the excuse as to why their parent can’t get it; they just know they have to get it.  And if they don’t, there will be crying and tantrums to deal with!

I bring this particular subject up because Christmas time just passed, and there were tons of news stories going on this year about how parents were “sacrificing” getting gifts for other adults and/or themselves just so they could make sure the children got something.  While that’s very admirable, it’s also stupid.  How about just telling your kids the truth: that Santa got downsized, couldn’t afford to keep his factory open, and can’t deliver toys this year?  It’s the same thing that happened to Ford’s employees!

At the same time, I understand why these parents were doing all this.  It’s because, again, kids don’t understand how or why a recession should affect them.  So what if Mom and Dad are having a hard time paying a light bill – they still need that new Dora the Explorer doll!  Who cares if they won’t be playing with it 3 months from now?  Mom and Dad will be able to buy them something new by then, right?

Lucky for me, I don’t have this problem – I can be broke as a joke and still feel good about myself because I don’t have to worry about disappointing some whiny rugrat simply because I can’t buy it something.  That’s the advantage of NEVER having kids!

-A. P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Child Free · Childfree · Children · Family · Parent
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