Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #71: Bowling + Kids = No Fun at ALL.

December 23, 2008 · No Comments


Above: A young kid bowls.  Notice how long it takes for the ball to actually make it to the end of the lane…

Last night, after an afternoon at work, my brother invited me to hang out with him that evening at the bowling alley.  It was Monday night, which, in my brother’s part of town, meant $2 per game bowling – something I definitely couldn’t turn down since it’s my favorite sport to play.

We get our lane, get our shoes, get our balls (ha ha), and start our bowling game.  On the 3rd or 4th frame, another group of people come arrive in the lane immediately to the left of us to play their own bowling game.

And what did this group of people consist of? A man, a woman… and three young kids who looked to be between the ages of 2 to 6.

Almost instantly, I wished we were in another bowling lane.

Why? Because I hate seeing my favorite sport butchered and/or not played well by a group of the human set too uncoordinated to play it right!

First off: bumpers.  The only reason bowling alleys have bumpers is because kids don’t have the ability to throw a ball in a straight line, and, more often than not, tend to get gutter balls.  I hated the idea of using bumpers when I was a kid because I figured, “How am I supposed to get better at this game if I’m not allowed to make a mistake when I bowl?”

Most kids don’t think like this.  Instead, most kids will try to bowl about 2 or 3 frames and, after getting gutter balls each time, start crying and complaining about how much fun they’re NOT having.  Thus: bumpers!  I’m sorry, but I’m too good at this sport to feel the need to cheat just because a lil’ rugrat of mine is having self-esteem issues over their bowling game!

Speaking of self-esteem: kids are notoriously sore losers.  They get very upset when they’re not good at something, and this is even more true when playing a game like bowling.  Think about it: here’s this kid, trying to hold a heavy ball and use all the force in their little bodies to push it down a long-ass lane; they keep on getting gutter ball after gutter ball; and, when they look at the scoreboard, they see their adult parents racking up 100 to 300 points…

…while their small little behind can barely score a 9?!?  No wonder they get so upset – they’re set up for failure from the get-go!

Then, there are all the little things that kids do that would, personally, distract me from bowling MY best game.  While bowling next to the couple with the 3 kids, I got to see:

  • A mom constantly interupted by her crying 3-year old, whom she had to constantly walk around and carry so he wouldn’t cry (hint: it didn’t work)
  • A young girl who would bowl the ball, and the ball would roll so slowly that – I kid you not – I could bowl a whole turn (i.e. two bowls) then my brother could bowl half his turn before her ball would make it to the end.  I tend to bowl fast, so I KNOW waiting for my kid’s bowling ball to reach the end of the lane would annoy the heck out of me
  • A father who was doing his best to keep the peace by preventing his two daughters from fighting or getting out of hand
  • A young boy (again, the three year old) who wanted to hold on to his dad’s leg, just as the dad was ready to bowl
  • And of course, the oh-so-familiar girl running up to bowl, then letting loose of the ball and throwing it behind her instead of in front of her

Luckily, a guy from another lane came over and wanted to switch lanes with us, and we were more than happy to move – especially me, ’cause it meant not having to spend anymore time around a family of non-bowling, crying, noise making little brats that I hope to NEVER have!

-A.P. Taylor

E-mail: aptistheman@yahoo.com

Categories: Family · Kids
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