Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Entries from July 2008

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #69: They’re Not All THAT Cute

July 28, 2008 · No Comments

“Awww, wook at dat wittle baby?!? Isn’t he/she so cuuuuute?!?”

Well, if you’re a person who absolutely adores kids, seeing a wide-eyed little rascal batting their eyes while sitting in their baby chair would probably make you answer “yes” to this question.

However, those of us not wanting to have kids would be able to look at this exact same child, and think to themselves, “no, it’s not cute, and I wish I wasn’t anywhere near this kid right now!”

Why the difference in viewpoints?  Because us non-child-wanting people know the facade babies put on for those who are thinking about having kids.  When a person sees a little baby, it’s a scientific fact that their big ol’ dilated pupils are supposed to make adults instantly fall in love with the idea of having kids.  It’s the same reason people think puppies and kittens are so cute, yet rarely say the same thing about older dogs and cats.  It’s all in the eyes, people!

However, depsite this euphoric state of love and bliss babies give off, a baby is only cute for so long – ESPECIALLY if you are the owner of it.

Oh sure, a kid is cute when your best friend brings her kid over for a few hours and they behave like a little angel.  However, a kid’s cuteness wears off pretty quickly, especially once you’ve been around them long enough to see them do the following:

  • Throw up on themselves
  • Go to the bathroom on themselves
  • Cry non-stop for hours at a time
  • Hit back at you
  • Bite/fight you in any way
  • Get food all over their mouth/face/clothes
  • Get into a fight with one of their siblings
  • Break something of value to you
  • Track mud prints through the house on your new rug
  • “Accidentally” do something you already told them not to do

With all the anguishing moments kids can bring into an adult’s life, is it any wonder that they may not seem so cute after a while?  What’s even MORE astonishing is that, despite the fact that they intellectually know a baby won’t always be cute, whenever people see someone else with one, they will inevitably say, “awww, they’re so cute – I wanna have one!”

Well, everyone except for ME, ’cause I’m NEVER having kids!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” - who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #68: Dealing w/Other Kids’ Parents Can Be a Hassle

July 18, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A little league coach gets thrown out of a game, causing a brawl to escalate on the field between all the parents.

The hassles that come with having kids aren’t always kid-related; sometimes, it’s the having to deal with the parents they’re related to that becomes an even BIGGER hassle.

Parents have to be protective of their kids.  After all, the little tykes don’t have the complete mental capacity to always make decisions that are the safest for them.  Unfortunately, the level of child protectiveness a person feels is necessary varies from parent to parent.

All of this is well and good when a person is dealing with their own child.  Throw another person’s child into the mix, however, and things can suddenly start to go hay-wire!

Why? Because when you interact with other people’s children, you are also interacting with a set of parents whose child-raising views, opinions and methods are different from yours.  And when their parenting methods are ones that don’t match with yours, the consequences of dealing with these people can be catastrophic!

For example: you have a kid named Johnny, who has a school chum named Iko.  Iko wants to come over to your house after school to play with Johnny.  After talking to the parents, they agree to allow Iko to go over.  However, they instruct you not to feed Iko any bread because he’s allergic to it, and you tell them it won’t be a problem.  So far, so good, right?

But then: Iko comes over to the house to play with Johnny, and when you leave the room for 5 minutes to go to the bathroom, Iko slips into the kitchen to make himself a Peanut-Butter and Jelly sandwich, which, of course, consist of peanut butter, jelly… and BREAD!! He eats the sandwich before you get back from the bathroom, and, since Iko put all the evidence of sandwich-making away, you don’t notice anything.

10 mintues later, you look over at Johnny and Iko, and notice that Iko is breaking out in bumps on his face.  He’s also staring to cough a lot.  You call Iko’s parents and tell them what’s going on, only to hear from his Mom that the symptons are the result of him eating bread.  Before you can defend yourself, Iko’s parents start going off:

“How DARE you feed our kid bread!  We TOLD you he was allergic to it!! Why are you trying to harm our child!!  I should have KNOWN you couldn’t be trusted – your son always LOOKED like he was a bad influence!!” 

Next thing you know, the both of you are yelling back and forth on the phone, threatening to call the police on the other one for being rude and inconsiderate – all this, while Iko is still coughing his brains out!!

Think this scenario is too far-fetched? HA! This is just an example of a MINOR incident that could occur!  I’ve seen parents fight with other parents over many stupid things, including:

  • Which person’s kid is smarter than the other
  • Aruging over who’s kid is getting more playtime in (name of various sports)
  • Whose kid gets to be first in line for something
  • The last of a popular Christmas toy on the shelf at a Toy Store
  • Which kid REALLY got the biggest half of cake
  • Whose kid did more work on a school project
  • Which kid deserves a better scholarship deal/college placement
  • Whose kid is taller. Yes, you read that correctly!

The fact is, since most parents see their child as the end-all, be-all savior of the future, any other parent that comes along with their own kid is a threat to that ideal.  And personally, I can live without the hassle of other parents meddling in my life!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #67: They Fall for Peer Pressure Too Easily

July 12, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A fat kid sitting on top of a playground set is pressured into jumping.  WARNING: you may laugh out loud at this!!

Everybody has a need or desire to fit in with those closest to them.  Unfortunately, kids and teenagers need for acceptance is often so high, they will do just about anything to get it – even if it means doing something dumb.

This next part may sound like I’m being idealistic, but when I was a kid/teenager, I didn’t really fall for peer pressure all that often.  I was so focused on trying to be an “individual” that other things people tried to get me to do – smoke, drink, have sex, sneak out of the house – seemed stupid to me.  Heck, I didn’t even have my first alcoholic drink until I was the legal age of 21!

Most people, however, are not like me.  As such, I viewed many of my middle school/high school peers become influenced by those closest to them to do some of the aforementioned stupid things. This wouldn’t be so much of a problem if it weren’t for one smaaaaaall thing…

THEIR STUPID ACTIONS AFFECTED NOT ONLY THEM, BUT THEIR PARENTS!

Oh sure, they think it makes for a great story when they get caught underage drinking and being sent to jail overnight.  However, it’s not so funny for the parents who end up having to put up bail money to get their dumb-ass kid out of jail!

Oh sure, the kid will be in agony when he has to go to the hospital after jumping off his friend’s rooftop simply because he was being called a “chicken.”  Even more agonizing: the medical bill the parents will have to pay to get his dumb-ass bandaged up in the first place – and that’s just if surgery isn’t needed!

Oh sure, that person’s daughter might feel she just HAS to have sex with every guy she dates so he’ll like her.  But guess what? It’s not so good for the parents when they find out their daughter either (a) has an STD that now requires them to buy meds to control her outbreak, or (b) gets pregnant, and has to deal with a baby of a baby simply because she couldn’t say NO!

Now, some parent will read this and think, “Geez, A.P.!  All you have to do is teach your kids right from wrong, how to make correct decisions, and how to value themselves, and they won’t fall for peer pressure as easily!”

Aww, that sounds so… what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh right - it sounds IDEALISTIC. 

In reality, when a kid is solo by his or herself, away from the parents, and 10 other kids close in age are chanting for them to run through the girl’s bathroom just ONE time (thanks a LOT, my ex-3rd grade class!), all that stuff they heard from their parent may just go right out the window. 

It’s similar to two people being in the mood to have sex, and there’s no condoms around: just because you know you SHOULDN’T proceed with an action, doesn’t mean it will stop you from doing so!

When kids do this stuff, though, they never think about how their actions will affect others around them, ESPECIALLY their parents!  For all they care, they just assume Mom and Dad will help them deal with whatever consequences may result from their careless stupidity, brought on by the mounting peer pressure they were facing at the time.

Well, you know what?  I ain’t helpin’ any kid deal with ANYTHING, ’cause I’m NOT having them!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story may be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #66: Getting Kids to Eat Certain Foods is a Chore

July 8, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: A young girl cries because she doesn’t want to eat her veggies.  And she’s LOUD.

Kids can be stubborn, especially when it comes to eating.  Why, you ask?  Here are some fun fact, courtesy of Oprah’s own Dr. Oz:

  • Whereas Adults have an average of about 30,000 taste buds on their tongues, children only have about 10,000.  This means the range of foods they dislike is a lot higher than someone older than them.
  • This dates back to the days when humans lived out in the woods.  As most parents know, kids like to put a LOT of things in their mouth, regardless of if said item should be going there.  However, poisonous things have a bitter taste, and kids’ taste buds are designed to NOT want bitter-tasting foods near them as a way of self-protecting themselves from something harmful.

Unfortunately, something else has a bitter, unpleasant taste to kids: VEGETABLES.  And since their taste buds are designed to reject bitter-tasting foods, they can be quite adamant about not eating them.

Children have to be taught to eat vegetables so their tastebuds can overcome this “oh my god, this stuff taste SO bitter” phase.  Unfortunately, getting to that point can take YEARS, and you know what that means:

Lots and lots and LOTS of fights during dinner involving you trying to get your little one to eat vegetables!

Remember all those times you were able to eat an entire meal with your significant other and enjoy everything on your plate?  Well, kiss those days goodbye – now, half your meal will be spent trying to get your little rug-rat to eat 2 small pieces of broccoli!  Never mind the fact that the kid just had a whole heap of mashed potatoes with gravy, greasy fried chicken, and a slice of bread with no problem – those 2 SMALL pieces of broccoli will NOT be tolerated by your child!

I’ve seen the crap parents have to go through with their kids during meal time, and it doesn’t look fun. A dinner that should take 20 minutes to eat is expanded to almost an hour because the parent has to sit there trying to negotiate with their kid on eating the healthiest part of their whole meal. Does the following dialogue sound familiar to anybody:

Parent: “Okay, honey, just eat that last bit of spinach so I can clean off the table.”

Kid: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Parent: “For the love of God, just take two bites of it, it’s good for you!”

Kid: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Parent: “Well, you’ll be sitting here all night if you don’t take those two bites!!”

Kid: (Reluctantly places the spinach on fork and puts it in mouth.  Proceeds to spit it back out.) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Parent: (Picks up fork, places spinach back on fork) “That’s it, you are going to eat this thing if I have to make you!! Now, open up!”

Kid: (With mouth closed) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Furthermore, according to Dr. Oz, a kid has to be exposed to a vegetable about 10 times before they’ll finally decide, “Eh, this isn’t that bad after all.”  DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VEGETABLES THERE ARE OUT THERE?!? 

I’m not saying my kid would have to eat every vegetable in the world, but even if I tried to get it to like 5 of them, that’s at least 50 food-fighting sessions I’d have to go through with this kid.  And don’t even get me started on what happens if you try to tone down the amount of sugary foods they like to eat!

No, really – don’t get me started, ’cause I’m NEVER having kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #65: School Daze, Part 5 – Summertime Schoolwork (Is a Chore for EVERYBODY)

July 3, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A kid complains about his first day back from Summer School.  If he was my kid, he wouldn’t be the only one complaining!

As if having to pay to send a kid to school wasn’t bad enough, someone decided to think up the genius idea of opening up classes during the 3 months of the year they should have off – summertime!

Oh great – so now, if my kid does bad in school during the regular year, I can send him back to the building to do just as bad during the summer?  Where do I sign the kid up???

I know what you’re probably thinking: “A.P. Taylor, if you don’t like having kids around, wouldn’t having MORE school time year ’round allow you to get them away from you for longer periods of time?”

And you’d be correct – if it weren’t for the little inconveniences that come along with sending a kid to summer school!

To start with, most areas don’t have buses to pick up kids during the summer school period.  Consequently, I’d be the one having to drive my kid early in the morning to the building – that cuts into my sleep time, breakfast time, and “doing whatever the heck I’d feel like REALLY doing” time, and for what?  To take my kid to a classroom when he’d rather be playing outside anyway?!

Secondly, summer school classes are usually made up of a lot of busy work/bull-spit courses.  I’m not saying that my kid signing up for Home EC. class is a waste of time; I’m yelling it at the top of my lungs – SOME OF THOSE COURSES ARE WASTES OF TIME.  The time my daughter would be spending in an apron learning how to bake cakes is the same time she could be at the pool with friends, or better – spending time with ME learning how to make cakes so I could have some, too!

But the absolute worse part of summer school: HOMEWORK.  I already hate the idea of having to re-learn stuff I long forgot, or forcing a kid to do work I consider crap in the first place.  Adding the fact that it’s summertime into the mix would only make having to force my kid to do the work even WORSE. 

I never understood why schools did that in the first place.  Why, for example, would an English teacher give kids a list of books to read during the summer?  The teachers knows that the kids barely read the material they were given when there wasn’t a vacation going on, yet they think to themselves, “Gee, with all that summer leisure time, I’m 100% sure they’ll want to read some Dickens, too!” 

Well, SUCK MY DICKENS, you non-caring teachers!!!  All you end up doing is making a parent’s job even HARDER.  Summertime is meant to be fun for kids, and a break for parents from having to be a “homework monitor.”  It isn’t supposed to be a continued jail sentence for all parties involved!

But guess what?  MY summers will continue to be carefree, ’cause I ain’t having kids, and I ain’t makin’ anyone do any math or read books during their vacation!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #64: School Daze, Part 4 – Getting Kids to Do Homework Sucks Monkey Balls

July 2, 2008 · 1 Comment

 

Above: The top 10 excuses kids can give for not doing their homework.  Priceless.

(Note: In this 5-part series, I will be discussing the various reasons why having to deal with putting my kids through school makes me NOT want to have them.  Feel free to share with your friends, and add any commentary you might have!)

In part 18 of my “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” blog, I wrote that having kids means having to send them to school, and, consequently, help them with their homework, which also means having to re-learn all the stuff you forgot years ago just so you can explain it to your kids (see: Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #18: Going Back 2 School Sucks Monkey Balls). 

If there’s one thing worse than having to re-learn your kid’s current curriculum, it’s getting them to actually do it themselves.

Kids only have one goal in mind when they’re little: to have as much fun as possible.  Doing homework takes away from this goal, and causes them to experience much agony and pain.  Therefore, they will try and avoid doing their homework as much as they possibly can.

Now me, I could give a rat’s you-know-what if a kid did their homework.  Because I find the majority of school work to be busy work in the first place, I could care less about if my kid wrote a paper on why he loves cats so much. 

At the same time, though, I understand that, in order for a kid to move on to the next grade, homework would have to be done at a level satisfactory enough for the teachers to say, “Okay, this work will pass.  Let’s move the kid on!”

I’m pretty sure my kid would understand this as well.  Unfortunately, just because a kid understands WHY they should do their homework doesn’t mean they will actually be motivated enough to do it. 

And kids can find all types of things and/or reasons to keep themselves away from homework.  Regardless of what excuse they come up with, the bottom line is the same: they want to delay doing their homework indefinitely, and you, as the parent, have to make them do it.

And the result? CONFLICT!

Yes!  Imagine how much fun it will be spending your valuable time getting your kid to do homework!  Instead of using those minutes to do something you’d REALLY enjoy, you’ll get to have fun times doing the following:

  • Cutting off your kid’s favorite TV show, and having to hear them complain while you yell back at them to start their homework!
  • Getting the “I hate you face” from your kid for making them do those math equations!
  • Hearing excuse after excuse about why they can’t start on their project – “I don’t have a number 2 pencil, and this is a number 3 pencil!”
  • Turning down their requests for a snack break every 10 minutes – so what if they ate a huge dinner before they started their homework, they MUST eat again!
  • Hearing your child call themselves “stupid” for not being able to finish their work in a fast manner – and by “fast,” I mean in 15 minutes or less!
  • Stressing yourself out helping your kid finish up a project they got assigned 3 months ago, but only decided to start yesterday!

Doesn’t that sound like time well-spent?  If not, you may want to consider another option – NEVER having kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #63: School Daze, Part 3 – Tuition is Expensive

July 1, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: A news report about the struggle one family is going through to try and afford college tuition for their daughter.

(Note: In this 5-part series, I will be discussing the various reasons why having to deal with putting my kids through school makes me NOT want to have them.  Feel free to share with your friends, and add any commentary you might have!)

School is expensive.  No matter which way you try to slice it, sending kids to school is a HUGE money loss.

In part 1 of this series, I talked about how I feel the school curriculum is flawed to the point where I wouldn’t want to send a kid there.  Because I feel this way about school, spending money to send a kid there would be nothing more to me than a waste of money that could be used elsewhere in a manner more benefiting to me. 

It’s not just the paying for your kid to physically enter the school that’s the bad part; it’s all the OTHER expenses you have to continue to pay to make sure your kid can function and/or have a good time while there.  Think about just how many things a parent has to pay for when their kid(s) enter school:

  • Tuition (which goes up each year due to inflation, not to mention the upward cost of going from one form of school to the next, i.e. from elementary to middle school, to high school, to college, and so on…)
  • Textbooks (you’re basically paying for a paperweight the kid will hardly ever open that year, and NEVER open again once it’s over)
  • School supplies (which are constantly having to be replenished – how many packs of pens do you REALLY want to buy, and what’s the point if your kid keeps losing them?!?)
  • Field Trips (after all, your kid can’t be the only one not going on the bus ride to Washington D.C.!)
  • School lunch (either you give them the money to buy it at school, or you buy the food to make it at home.  Either way, you’re paying for them to eat lunch at school!)
  • Project supplies (i.e. anytime they have to do a major project for a class, you’ll have to spend YOUR money seeing that they get it, lest your child flunk and you be labeled the “bad parents”)

And god forbid your kid make it to the 12th grade and pass – now, if they feel so inclined, you have to pay for them to go to college!!  Not only do you have to pay for the aforementioned items (which, by the way, are even HIGHER in price), but there are other items you have to pay for as well:

  • Dorm living expenses
  • Parking passes (if your kid has a car)
  • An even larger food supply (because if they’re doing a lot of late-night studying, they WILL be eating everything that’s near them)
  • Personal computer (you may not think you have to buy this, but more and more colleges assume your kid will have one to do assignments on in their dorm)

Worst of all, though, is the tuition.  If you send you kid to a private or public college, sans scholarship, you could easily be paying over $100,000 for 4 years – and that’s if they don’t want to stay longer to get their doctorate or graduate degree!  Now, they get to graduate college, while you, the parent, get to pay a college loan off for 20 years for a school you didn’t even attend - how fair is THAT?!?

Sorry, but I feel my money can be spent on so many other things besides sending a kid into a flawed system that is only set up to suck as much money out of me as it can.  You’re not taking MY money, you scum-sucking bastards, ’cause I’m NEVER having kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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