Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Entries from June 2008

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #48: They Can’t Stand Still

June 11, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: A cartoon where a mother bird takes her two little birdies to the post office.  This video is 7 minutes long, but the first 2 minutes are, more or less, what I saw at the post office yesterday!

Kids are balls of energy that fidget quite often, and can’t seem to stand still – even in a place where it would seem logical to do so!

I had a day off from work yesterday, and decided to run some much-needed errands, one of which included mailing off some packages at the post office.  I arrived there at noon, and the line was VERY long.  “Darn it!” I thought to myself.  “I forgot how long these lines get around lunchtime!”

While waiting in line, I noticed there was a family of four standing a few people in front of me: a Dad, a Mom, and two kids.  The first thing I noticed was the contrast between the parents and the children: the adults, two black people (I can’t say “African-American” because they had British accents – bet u didn’t see THAT one coming!), were nicely dressed in what could be considered business attire, with nicely kept hair…

…and their kids had OK clothes on with messy hair – messy, as in, I could see lint and dandruff.  I can only imagine the struggle that took place in trying to get these kids out of the house before the parents just said “Fine, if you want your hair to look that way, BE MY GUEST!”

Anyway… so the mom was holding the younger one in her arms, while the older one was doing his best to stay still.

NOT!

No, the older one was too busy running in and out of the post office entrance/exit doors, going so far as to almost run into ME at one point. You KNOW that got me a bit upset!

The older kid starts grabbing at his brother, trying to yank him down from his mother’s embrace.  Finally, she lets the younger one stand on his own. 

That’s when the REAL trouble began.

Now, BOTH kids are running around, going under the waiting-line island in the center of the room and playing chase with each other.  THEN, they start playing what I call “The Pushing Game,” where one brother runs up to the other brother and pushes him.  Pretty easy concept, right?

Unfortunately, these types of games are like hearing “The Song That Never Ends”  – they just go on and on, my friend, until someone - usually one of the parents – make their kids stop doing it. 

And so it was with this game.  Unfortunately, the parents didn’t stop the game until the older brother had pushed his younger brother into the butt of the White lady standing in front of them – and not after the first time, but the SECOND time!

As the line progressed, things only got worse.  The kids ran over to where the various mailing package envelopes are held and started fumbling through them.  The mom went over and encouraged them to get back in line.  Once in line, the older son, upon seeing the pole with the “Please Wait Here Until Called to the Line” sign, grabs it and starts swinging around on it while his dad places his foot at the base so as not to have the sign fall over.  This, of course, didn’t stop the sign from sending out loud sounds that echoed throughout the room!

FINALLY, the parents are called to the counter.  As they are walking over to the cashier, the older brother zips by the younger one, pushing him in the process.  He ends up falling over, landing on the ground with a huge “SMACK!”  I immediately bursts out laughing, and had to quiet myself down so as not to be heard by the poor parents!

You would think all of this would have deterred the children from wanting to do anything else.  Lo and behold: the little kid got right back up, and less than a minute later they were both at it again.  This time, the older brother started chasing the younger one… AROUND THEIR MOTHER!  Yes, while the mother was attempting to talk to the post office lady, her two kids were scrunching themselves in the space between the counter wall and her legs, chasing each other.

Finally, the mother said – in a rather sexy British accent, by the way – “Do you two want to play with each other later? Well, you won’t be able to if you keep this up!”

You know what the sad part of all this was?  This happened over the span of 15 minutes – and all I could think to myself was, “how the heck could ANYONE deal with this for longer than that?!?”

And someone may read this and think, “Well, it was the parent’s fault for not properly disciplining the kids on how to act in public!” 

But this isn’t just a one-time occurence, people; I took in an afternoon mall-run immediately after this, and saw the same thing – kid after kid after kid waiting in line somewhere with their parents, acting like morons!

Face it: young kids just have too much energy in them to want to stand still!  And, whether you’re in a place of business or in line at a fast-food restaurant, the fact that children can’t stand still is always bound to be an issue (unless you have them tied up and gagged to a stroller or some kind of pulling/pushing device).

Incidentally: as I was leaving the post office, I passed by another mom – this time a White lady (I use the term “White” because… well, she was White) – holding her two kids by the arms.  Each of her kids also started making noises, and trying to run off from their mom.

And I couldn’t help but smile, happy for the fact that this will – hopefully – NEVER be something I have to deal with!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing With Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #47: Hearing Baby Talk from Adults Annoys the $#!+ Outta Me

June 10, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A mother plays “Peek-a-Boo” with her infant.  I think her pitch is LOUDER than Mariah Carey’s high notes!

It seems like every time I go out to eat now, my meals end up getting interupted by situations involving children!

Yesterday was no different.  I went out to enjoy lunch at a local restaurant, and while I was waiting for my meal, a group of three people – an infant, a mother and a grandmother – were sat at a nearby table. 

When these situations happen, I say the same thing to myself every time: “Oh dear God, please don’t let this child start crying, screaming, or making high-pitched noises, or I may have to drown myself in the bathroom toilet!”

As it turns out, though, the small child was actually well-behaved and didn’t make too much noise.  I was actually quite surprised, seeing as though my normal aforementioned prayer usually doesn’t get answered (and you’d be amazed at how many times my head has been pulled out from a restaurant bathroom.  Good thing I carry soap around!).

No – today, it was the Grandmother that provided the annoyance with her incessant baby talk. 

I kid you not (because I’m not having kids – ha ha, get it?!?), during the remainder of my visit, I kept hearing this woman talk to this infant like he was a retarded seal!  “Awww, wook at the cute little baby! Aren’t you Grandma’s special little wookie-woo? Yes you are, YES YOU ARE!”

That’s just a SMALL sample of dialogue.  The remainder of the “converstation” – if you could call it that - consisted of various re-wordings of the aforementioned sentiment, along with random noises from the Grandma that can’t be typed here, if only because I’d have no idea how to spell them correctly OR phonetically.

By the time a person reaches adulthood (and assuming they had some form of schooling growing up), they have taken just about every language-improvement and/or reading class known to man.  If they graduated high school or college, they should have some idea of how to properly speak their native language.

Therefore, it absolutely baffles me when a person has a baby, and starts talking to it like they only know basic words and phrases! 

My parents didn’t talk to me this way – they thought doing so would dumb me down (and I thank them for not doing so) – and, were I to have kids, I’m sure I wouldn’t do it either…

…but even if I didn’t, there’s still a chance that the people around me would.  I can just see it: I’m walking down the street with my newborn child in a stroller, when someone comes up to me and says:

“OH! Is that YOUR baby?!? (Kneels down to the baby’s level) Aww, aren’t you the cutest lil’ thing?!? (Then, in a baby-talk voice) Who’s the cute baby?  Whoooose the cute wittle baby?? Yes you are! YES YOU ARE!!”

Running into this scenario 5 or 6 times a day would drive me crazy!  And the worst part is, you can’t tell people you don’t know NOT to talk to your kid like that, lest you be seen as a rude prick who can’t take a compliment about his kid!

And by the way: what the heck is with all these adults changing their voice pitch when they talk to these babies in the first place!  Grown men with deep-sounding voices will suddenly get 3 octaves higher when playing around with a baby; grown women who have authoritative voices with a base-line pitch will start talking in high notes like they’re trying out for lead alto in a choir!

What, do babies not understand grown-ups who talk in their NORMAL tone?!?  USE YOUR OWN VOICE, DANG IT!!

Not that I have to worry about dealing with any of this baby-talking stuff since I’m NOT having kids. No I’m not, NO I’M NOT!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you are a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #46: Pregnancy Pains for Her… AND Him

June 9, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: A clip from “The Cosby Show” where the men are pregnant.  They get to experience all the pains women have during those 9-months.  Oh boy!

And now, a horror story for all you guys out there:

Once upon a time, there was a man and a woman who were happily married to each other.  They both wanted to have children (this part of the story I don’t understand at all), and did their best (i.e. had lots of sex) to make sure their dream came to pass.

One morning, the guy woke up from their bed, and found himself feeling a bit queasy.  At first he brushed it off like it was nothing, thinking to himself, “Hmm, I guess that vodka I drank last night hasn’t worn off yet.”  Then he remembered: “Oh wait, I only had ONE drink – I can’t be hungover!”

As he was about to let it go and not give it another thought, his stomach suddenly began to churn.  He immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, where he proceeded to throw up for 10 minutes straight.

His wife sat in bed looking puzzled.  A few minutes later, her husband came back into bed.  “Are you okay?” said the concerned wife.

“Ugh, I don’t feel so good,” he said.  Suddenly, he felt that nauseating sensation rise up in his stomach, and off he ran to the bathroom again to throw up.  20 minutes later, he came out of the bathroom, and said to his wife:

“I think we might be pregnant.”

- – - – - -

Does this story sound far-fetched to you?  Well, guess what?  This is EXACLY what happened when MY mom was pregnant with me – my DAD was the one that experienced the tell-tale signs of pregnancy long before my mom did!

We all know that women go through all sorts of pains and body-changing configurations, yet people rarely talk about the pain that guys go through during that time.  Women will argue all day with this point – “you have NO idea what we have to go through during pregnancy” – to which my reply is: “yes we do – you can’t stop talking about it, and it’s driving me CRAZY!”

Men may not have to deal with physical pains (most of the time), but having to deal with a pregnant woman can be pain enough in and of itself.  What follows is just a small list of what guys have to deal with:

  • A female with an ever-changing mood
  • Having to hear/deal with her worries about the kid
  • Sudden outbursts of crying and anger towards us, many times for no reason
  • A rising food bill – after all, she’s eating for two!
  • Hearing self-doubting statements such as “I don’t look pretty anymore” or “I’m getting too fat” (of COURSE you are – you’re PREGNANT!)
  • Extreme horniness – not exactly a BAD thing, unless she’s 8 months pregnant and wants to get it on with you (and yes, the idea that our penis might be hitting our soon-to-be-born kid is disgusting)

And then, there are the aforementioned sympathy pains!  Yes, gentleman, you, too, can experience some of the actual physical pains normally reserved for women during this time!  Weight gain, morning sickness, fatigue – all of this and more can possibly be felt by the father-to-be . 

Why?  Honestly, I have no idea; if I had to guess, though, I think it’s because nature is freakish enough give a father radar into whether or not the woman he spermed up is pregnant.  And if she isn’t showing any signs, nature says, “Okay, she ain’t gettin’ the signal – quick, let’s make the father of this baby throw up a few times!”

Well, thanks but no thanks.  I’ve lived my life with a lactose intolerant problem, and every time someone accidentally got milk into what I was eating, I got to spend qualitiy time with Mr. Porcelain, and it wasn’t fun.  The last thing I want to do is get some girl pregnant and have to experience even a FRACTION of what she’s going to experience.  I’ll save THAT “joy” for people who actually WANT kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you have children, send your “Dealing with children horror stories” - who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #45: They Don’t Come Equipped with Volume Controls

June 8, 2008 · No Comments

Above: Young kids being loud. For NO reason.

If little kids came equipped with a remote volume control, they might be a little bit easier for me to tolerate.

Unfortunately, that is not the case.  As it turns out, young children happen to be some of the loudest noise-makers on the planet!  And they don’t even need any extra equipment lying around to make noise – they’re loud enough as it is on their own!

Young children have no inner volume control.  Whether they’re crying and screaming about something they want, or a asking their mom a simple question, kids’ voices are high-pitched at ALL times, and rarely do they talk in soft tones.  The words “whisper” and “lower voice register” haven’t been placed into their vocabulary yet, which would explain why they look at adults weird when being told to “quiet the f–k down.”

One can understand why children would do this.  They want and/or need their parent’s attention, and the only way they know how to get it is by being loud.  At that age, they know being loud is a sure-fire way to get an immediate response - unfortunately for the other people around that have to listen to them, it seems to be the ONLY way they know of to get their desired result.

I rode the train to and from work today, and in both cases there were children around me.  On the way to work, a 6-year old child kept asking her mom various questions about where they were going; on the way from work, a 2-year old was playing with a bottle of lotion while making squealing sounds.

What did these two kids have in common?  LOUD voices.  The 6-year old was sitting right next to her mom, yet you would have thought she was trying to get her mom’s attention from the other side of the train car with the way she belted out her questions!  Meanwhile, the 2-year old with the lotion bottle kept making these squealing noises like she was an extra from the set of “Alien,” only her pitch was even HIGHER than the one the alien made!

There does come a point in a kid’s life when they finally realize that people can actually HEAR them without the extra noise added to their speech.  Unfortunately, this usually doesn’t occur until they hit 8 or 9 – until then, a parent is forced to deal with consistent loud talking, screaming, crying, and other annoying sound their kid will make in a high-pitched tone. 

And, as a person who enjoys talking to people in public with a conversational tone (i.e. a tone where not everyone around me can hear me), having a kid there talking to me while inadvertently letting everyone else around us know what he’s trying to say is just plain annoying.  The only thing I want other people around me to know is that I’m NEVER HAVING KIDS!!

Now THAT’S something I wouldn’t mind screaming in a high-pitched tone!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you already HAVE kids, send your “dealing with kids horror stories” – who knows, your story may end up the catalyst for my next blog! 

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…But What if I DO Have Kids?

June 7, 2008 · 2 Comments

In the last couple of weeks, this site has become really popular!  People I don’t even know have started reading it, and it’s been quite an interesting mixture of people who, like me, do NOT want kids, and people who have kids and completely understand how a person might not want to deal with all they bring to the table.

Of course, when starting a site called “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids,” you’re bound to have people asking you one question over and over again:

“So, what’ll happen if you DO have kids?”

A fair question to ask.  After all, despite any attempts I may use to avoid having kids – using condoms, making a girl use birth control before having sex, getting a vasectomy, practicing abstinence, etc. - there is always a chance something could go wrong. 

Why? Because no method is 100% effective against not having kids. Condoms break, birth control efficiency can be minimalized if she’s taking another drug, vasectomies don’t always take, and even if I try not having sex, there’s always a chance that one of my relatives who have kids could die, leaving me the sole person old enough to take care of their children.

As you can tell, I’ve thought about all this.  So, what would happen if I DID, somehow, become a parent?

Well, even though the thought of having them around makes me nauseous, I know I’d be able to handle it.  Once something goes from being an option to a “have-to” – in this case, from having the option of not having kids to having no choice but to take care of them – people can usually figure out a way to handle the task.  It would certainly be an adjustment, but not anything I don’t feel I couldn’t handle out of necessity.

Furthermore, I had a good childhood with two great role models as parents.  Clearly, I’d be able to use what I learned from them in figuring out how to be a good Dad to my kids.  I think I’d actually be a pretty patient parent – not too many things annoy me, and even with the bothersome traits that kids have, it probably wouldn’t be any worse than some of the annoying adults I’ve had to hang around!

Lastly, what would I do about this site?  Could I continue to maintain a site called “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” if I end up having kids myself?

The answer is “Yes – sort of.”  I’d probably have to change it to “Why I Wish I’d NEVER Had Kids,” but the theme would pretty much be the same.  The one advantage of having a kid around is simple: they’d be doing so much stuff to get on my nerves on a regular basis, I’d have material for life!

So, that’s my answer to that question: if I had kids, I’d definitely be there to love and care for them, while at the same time knowing they’d do enough annoying stuff to warrant me updating this site with reasons for childless people to give their friends on why they are NEVER having children!

-A.P. Taylor

P.S. If you’re a parent and have any “dealing with children” horror stories, send them to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  Who knows, your story might be featured in an upcoming blog as to why other people may NEVER want kids!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #44: Grocery Shopping With Children is NOT Fun

June 5, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: An advertisement for condoms, showing a Dad and his kid shopping at a grocery store.  I’ll bet the father wishes he had used one!

I went to the grocery store today to replenish my dwindling food supply.  While looking for a can of mixed vegetables, I happened into an aisle where a man and his young daughter, who looked to be about 3, were standing.

The man was looking at canned vegetables and deciding what he wanted to get.  On the opposing side of the aisle, the young daughter was looking at Pocky Sticks, which are basically powdered sugar in straw packaging.  The daughter grabbed a set of Pocky Sticks off the shelf, and placed them in the basket.

The man, upon seeing this, promptly took the Pocky Sticks out of the grocery cart and back in the place the daughter had grabbed them from.

That’s when the daughter started to cry – “W-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! W-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

After about 15 seconds of this loud, wailing, obnoxious-sounding display of waterworks, the man finally relented, grabbed the set of Pocky Sticks, and placed them back into the basket.

Meanwhile, I stood there, thinking to myself: “Thank GOD I don’t have any kids!”

———-

Grocery shopping with children has to be one of the WORST experiences known to man.  There are several reasons why kids shouldn’t even be allowed by law to step into a grocery store until they hit puberty:

(1) THEY ARE CONSTANTLY GRABBING STUFF.

Children go into a grocery store and LOSE THEIR MINDS!  Anything that has sugar in it has their name attached to it, and they feel it necessary to get all of these items into YOUR cart! 

Cookies? Check! Ice Cream? Of course! Twizzlers? You bet!

Of course, they don’t understand that eating all of these things on a regular basis isn’t healthy for them – all they know is that it tastes good.  But you, being the responsible parent you are, will try to put some of these things back on the shelf – in which case, prepare to either lose your arm or hear a LOT of crying, ’cause the kids just aren’t having it!

(2) THEY CAUSE YOU TO DETER FROM YOUR LIST.

If you’re like me, you go into a store with a set list of things you want to buy.  You may buy two or three other items that weren’t on the list, but for the most part you probably go into a store knowing what you need to get.

Then, the kids come along, and your list is null-and-void.

Now, instead of stopping at the store and doing a quick run-through, you have to deal with what the kids think they want to get, too!  Notice: I said “think” they want.  Kids end up making their parents buy foods they don’t even eat half of once it’s in their house!

This leads me to point number 3…

(3) BUYING GROCERIES FOR KIDS = SPENDING EXTRA MONEY.

The nice thing about not having kids is, I can go into a grocery store, set a budget, and come out having spent close to the amount I had planned on spending. 

Not so with kids!  Even if you plan to spend only $30, the suggestions your kids bring along with them will balloon that amount by at least double your budget.  Not to mention the fact that kids can eat a LOT more food than adults (since they are still growing and constantly need fuel), and, depending on how many kids you have, you could be spending money on food 2 to 3 times a week, SOLELY on food for your children!!

(4) MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE.

Keeping kids disciplined while in the grocery store is another hassle.  One kid will end up trying to wander around, while another kid is crying in the grocery cart, and yet another kid is talking Mommy or Daddy’s ear off while they’re trying to decide which meat to buy for dinner!

Oh, but there’s more!  Siblings are notorious for fighting each other, and nothing starts a fight better than two kids arguing over who’s going to sit in the cart seat!  Now, you get to have one kid moping around because he has to walk instead of sit in the cart, while the younger kid is crying because his older sibling doesn’t want to talk to him now since he lost the cart seat fight!

When I go to the store, all I want to do is go in, get a few food items, and high-tail it out of there as soon as possible.  Having kids only prolongs the shopping experience, and not in a good way.  If I wanted to deal with a bunch of misfits fighting with each other and screaming for extra sugary food, I’d go watch ladies Jell-o wrestle. 

Otherwise, the words “grocery shopping” and “children” never need to be together with each other in my sentences!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #43: Ultra-Sensitive Crybabies

June 4, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A kid cries because he killed a fly.  Really?!?

One reason kids get on my nerves is because they are oftentimes extremely sensitive.  And some of the things they are sensitive about can be downright stupid.

A few years ago, I went to visit an Uncle and his family in Philadelphia.  Amongst the people in the household were my two younger cousins, one of whom was a HUGE fan of the Sixers’ basketball team.

During the time of my visit, the Sixers were in play-off mode, and my Uncle and cousin would watch the games every night.  One night, after they had lost one of their games, I mentioned that I was glad they lost, as I didn’t want them to get to the finals.  I didn’t actually MEAN this (since I’m not a sports fan, nor do I have a favorite team), but I said it as a means of going against my Uncle and cousin’s team so there’d be some rivalry.

Well, my words didn’t go over too well with my 7-year old cousin.  “Why don’t you like the Sixers?!? Iverson is the BEST!”  To which I would reply: “Eh, he’s not REALLY all that good.  Besides, I don’t like their team colors, and they can’t play that well.”

You’d have thought I’d just shot the President or something.  Next thing I know, my cousin is crying his eyes out, running to his Dad and telling him how upset he was that I didn’t like his favorite team!

Now, how was I supposed to know that this would be an issue that would make him want to cry??  The answer: I wasn’t.

Kids aren’t born out the womb with thick skins.  It’s one of those things that has to be developed through years and years of world experiences.  As one gets older, one finds themselves able to not take every little thing as a life-or-death situation, or to take things so personally/seriously.

Until they get to that point, though, kids are like crying time-bombs:  you have no idea what’s going to set the waterworks off, but when they are, WATCH OUT!

What’s funny is, what may set one child off may not even be an issue for another child.  A parent with two kids might find that one of them starts crying whenever the word “butter” is mentioned, while the other kid starts crying at the sound of a vacuum.  Either way, it means one thing: the parents-in-question have to be aware of what issues are going to make their kid upset.

Does this stage eventually end?  For the most part, yes – but it can take a LONG time for a kid to not be so sensitive about everything.  My cousin was 7 when he was crying over me not liking his favorite basketball team. SEVEN!  And that was just ONE issue – kids have a plethora of things they can be sensitive about, and most of it is downright stupid.

I’ve seen kids cry over having a stain get on their shirt; tripping on themselves; not being able to push a shopping cart in a grocery store; having their parent change a TV channel; giving someone a present, then not being able to get it back; having their parent tell them “no” about something; killing a fly… and so on, and so on.

At this point in my life, there’s really not too much I’m sensitive about, and I really don’t feel like having to walk on eggshells just because my kid may or may not get upset about… well, whatever it is they’d be upset about.  I enjoy the freedom that comes with being able to say or do what I want, without having to worry that I’ll cause some ultra-sensitive crybaby to tear up!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #42: A Sex Life Derailed, Part 3 – Sex, Interrupted

June 3, 2008 · 3 Comments

Above: A clip from “The Simpsons”, where Marge’s pirate sex fantasy is interrupted by Lisa’s saxaphone playing.  Could this happen to you?  (Yes – yes it could.) 

In part 1 of this series of “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” blogs, I discussed how the process of trying to make a baby can cause sex to go from being fun, to a job that’s depressing if the results you want – i.e. to have kids – isn’t happening fast enough.

In part 2, I talked about how the after-effects giving birth has on a woman’s body can cause her to not be sex-accessible for God knows how long!

But, let’s say you get past those two issues: you get pregnant, and, after a 6-week sex hiatus post-birth, it turns out that not only is the woman ready to have sex, but she’s as horny as ever (always a good thing, especially if you’re the guy on the receiving end of womanly horniness!)

There’s still just one little problem… you STILL have a kid. And there’s a good chance that, if you DO have children, your sex life will become a continuous game of “Stop and Go,” as in: you try to go and have sex… and the presence of kids in your life forces you to stop!

Just think of all the wonderful instances where your night of passion can be interrupted. Heck, we’ll even do it by age range:

AGES 0 TO 2 YEARS OLD:

You’ve put the baby to bed, and now you’re ready for some lovin’! You set up the atmosphere in your room, light some candles, put on some soft music, place the special silk sheets on the bed… and, just as you’re getting her in the mood and you’re about to park your car in her garage…

“W-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! W-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

You hear that? That’s the sound of the baby crying! Heaven knows what could be wrong with the kid, but you do know one thing: that kid’s gonna be up all night crying, so it’s “Hello, baby rocking” and “Bye bye, night of passion!”

And even when the baby is NOT crying, as a new parent there is always an urgency to check on the baby to see if it’s doing well. So many things could happen to it – the baby could fall asleep the wrong way, go to the bathroom on itself and develop a rash if it’s not changed in time, etc. – that the worry of it alone could cause a severe case of “Cock-block”-itis!

AGES 2 TO 5 YEARS OLD:

Young kids get scared very easily. They could be watching TV, see a cartoon ghost floating around Scooby-Doo’s house, and start screaming their heads off.

It wouldn’t be so bad, if it weren’t for the fact that these same kids will then go to sleep, and have NIGHTMARES about the scary thing they saw earlier that day! And when kids have nightmares, what do they do?

They run to their parents room, and ask if they can sleep in THEIR bed!

The kid, of course, is too young to think that the reason Mommy and Daddy had the door locked is because they wanted to play a lil’ game of “Find the ghost under the covers.” No, that kid just keeps knocking until its parents finally realize that, no matter what they do or say to the kid about the things in their nightmare not being real, they’ll have no choice but to let the kid sleep in the bed with them.

The result? Good sleep for the kid, bad sleep for the unsatisfied adults, and NO sex for anyone that night!

AGES 5 TO 11 YEARS OLD:

By now, the kids SHOULD be past the point of wanting to sleep in your bed. Even so, they can STILL interrupt your sex life.

First of all, if you have more than one kid, chances are those kids will spend a good portion of their time fighting each other. Which means YOU will spend a good amount of YOUR time being stressed out trying to discipline them. In turn, while you may have been in the mood to turn your partner out early on in the day, the breaking up of stupid fights between siblings may put you in a less than sexy mood.

“But what if I just schedule a time for them to be away so it’s just me and my significant other? I could always send them to their grandparents’ house, or to a camp for a couple of days/weeks.”

That’s true, but remember: they’re still YOUR kids. They’re still YOUR responsibility.

You could plan a 2-week summer camp getaway for the kids, thinking you’ll have all the time in the world to screw your partner’s brains out… and as soon as you get home from dropping him off at the camp, you get back home, only to find a message on your machine saying that your son broke his leg playing on the monkey bars and has to be picked up!

Now you’ve got a kid at home with a broken leg who’s in constant pain – but, most importantly, he’s INTERRUPTING YOUR SEX LIFE AGAIN!!

AGES 11 TO 18 YEARS OLD:

The teenage years. You would think by this age they’d be mature enough to spend time on their own, and leave you to have more chances of getting sex. Heck, you would think that by this age, the kid would be too embarrassed by his elders to even WANT them hanging around in the background!

Small problem, though: teenagers are morons. They are constantly trying to prove how independent they are from their parents, which is not necessarily a BAD thing. It’s just that some of the stuff they try to do – drugs, staying out late, hanging with the wrong crowd – is harmful to them.

Trying to explain to a teenager over and over again how what they are doing is stupid can DRAIN the energy you had stored up for sex. Between the yelling, fighting, hearing comments like “I HATE you, Mom/Dad!!” and the slamming of doors, a teenager can drastically dampen your flirtatious mood.

Now, instead of desiring sex, you have a new desire: to choke the shiznit out of your dumb-ass kid!

Some of this may sound a bit over-dramatic – after all, some people do have 5 or 6 kids, so they clearly find the time to have sex – but all the examples given CAN happen. And no, missing out on sex a few times here and there isn’t the WORST thing in the world…

…but it IS one of the most annoying. And frankly, when I’m in the mood for some good ol’ fashion, no-holds-barred, wrestling with your partner in the sack ’til you both reach ecstasy sex…

I do NOT want that feeling interrupted by a crying baby, a scared child, a rambunctious lil’ pre-teen or a pubescent arguing teen!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #41: A Sex Life Derailed, Part 2 – Gratification, Delayed… (for God Knows HOW Long?!?)

June 2, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: Tracey Cox, host of the iVillage segment “Love Bytes,” explains why women may not have as much of a sex drive immediately following the birth of their child.  Great – you mean I have to wait for sex AND deal with crankiness from TWO people?? Oh boy!

Being the single guy I am, there have been periods in my life where I had to wait for sex.  Days, weeks, months, years, etc. can go by in a single person’s life without so much as a gentle breeze touching their nether-regions. 

Therefore, when a single person finally DOES get sex, the idea of having to give up such a fun activity for any long stretch of time can be a nightmare.

Well, guess what? If you’re a person who decides they want to have children, say “adios!” to your sex life right after the kid arrives!  That’s right, you can pack your former sex life in a suitcase and say “sayonara,” ’cause it’s NEVER coming back!

Ha ha ha, okay, I’m being a little dramatic here.  The truth is, once a woman pushes out that little bundle of torture (read: I don’t call it “joy” because I don’t want one in the first place), her vajay-jay- now the size of the Grand Canyon – isn’t supposed to have a wee-wee man in it for at least 6 weeks.

At LEAST six weeks. SIX WEEKS!

This gives the vagina time to shrink back down to it’s “regular” size… but that doesn’t always happen.  Think about it: this thing’s been stretching out for NINE months, and you think it’ll return back completely to the way it was?

Ha!

There’s always a chance that it gets smaller, but not as tight as it once was.  Birthing can cause certain nerves and sensations to no longer be there, meaning that what once made her moan at the lightest touch down there… now has to be punched into submission before she’ll even whimper!

There’s also a good chance a woman may lose her sex drive – and it’s not hard to see why.  Her body’s just been through a war with itself, and she’s got stretch marks, sensitive breasts, and, possibly, a ripped/stitched-up vagina.  Clearly, she may not be feeling sexy about herself.

Add to that the newly formed hours of “sleep” she’s not getting as a result of late-night feedings, constant crying, and fearing that her newborn may end up dead as a result of “crib death” (i.e. when a baby suffocates due to angling itself the wrong way in its crib), and you’ve got a mom that’s tired, on the edge, and so focused on dealing with baby, she forgets how to make you OR herself feel good!

And don’t think that she’ll necessarily be ready to get the sex going as soon as the doctor gives her the go-ahead.  Oh no – you may find yourself having to make her feel comfortable enough with herself to want to even HAVE sex with you again! 

Isn’t that what DATING was for???

With all these new variables, it’s anyone’s guess how long it will be before you get sex again.  All because you both thought it would be a GREAT idea to have a kid. 

Well, thanks, but NO thanks – as long as I waited to have sex, the LAST thing I’m trying to do is create something that’ll force me to delay it again!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

 

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #40: A Sex Life Derailed, Part 1 – Trying to Conceive

June 1, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A video stating facts and figures about infertility.  Nice music in the background!

Sex - really good sex – is hard enough work as it is.

Oh sure, you can have lazy sex, where one person lies there while the other person barely thrust/pumps, and even then it’ll still feel pretty good. 

But good sex – mind-blowing, “oh my God, I have GOT to tell my friends about the night I just had” sex – takes work.  It’s fun work, mind you (at least when I do it), but it IS work.

However, there’s a difference between sex being work and sex becoming a JOB.  And if you’re trying to have a baby, that’s exactly what sex becomes – a job.

And, not unlike your actual job, this one can also become a painful experience that you end up dreading if you don’t end up with the results you desire!!

The nice thing about not wanting to have kids is, I don’t have to worry about any other outcomes for sex other than if she and I were pleasured in some form of way.  If it turns out that she didn’t get completely satisfied, all I have to do is work on my technique a lil’ bit, and chances are I’ll be able to give her what both she and I want.

It’s a different thing, though, when you’re having sex with the goal of having children.

Now, instead of trying to bed your partner with thoughts of, “Oh boy, I hope we both get ours tonight,” you get to prepare for sex with thoughts of, “Oh boy, I hope THIS is the night that makes our baby!”

Only one small problem with that: just because both you and your partner are ready to conceive a child, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen right away.  In fact, there’s a good chance it could take you both 3 months, 6 months, a year, or LONGER, to get pregnant. 

This can take all the fun out of your sex life.  The longer you go without having a baby, the more sex becomes less like “fun time in the sack,” and more like “that thing we have to do again in hopes of having a kid.”

And this is just for couples who do NOT have anything reproductively wrong with them!  There are millions of people in world who have infertility issues, both men and women.  Men can have lazy sperm cells, while women can have ovaries filled with chemicals that kill sperm on contact.

These issues can lead to a plethora of relationship problems, and not just sex-related.  Couples can become depressed and distant from each other; financial issues can arise as a result of the costs to try and treat the problem; and, if one person decides they no longer want to try and have a child, break-ups can occur, even for a couple who once truly loved each other.

The bottom line: not every reason I have for not wanting kids is from how they are AFTER they get here.  Sometimes, the issues that can come up BEFORE they’re even born seem too stressful to even spend time going through. 

And for me, the idea that I’d meet a great woman, try to have kids with her, and end up having a crappy sex life and a strained relationship simply because we aren’t having a child ASAP, is even MORE reason for me not to try and have them in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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