Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #60: Car Trips w/Kids Suck Monkey Balls

June 26, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: Two kids in the back of the car, screaming their butts off while their parents are taking a long drive through France.  I can’t imagine putting up with 46 seconds of this, let alone 5 or 6 hours!

And now, the top 10 reasons riding in cars w/kids is NOT fun:

1. FREQUENT BATHROOM STOPS.

Kids have shorter bladders than adults do, and have to go to the bathroom in between shorter intervals.  This phenomenon is no more evident than when taking a car trip somewhere.  In the course of an hour-long drive, a kid may ask you to stop 2 to 3 times (sometimes more) to go to the bathroom. 

And, if you can’t get to a building with a bathroom or stop on the side of the road in time, a kid has no problem leaving his special wet-stain on YOUR car seat.  Oh, how wonderful!

2. RANDOM ANNOYING NOISES.

Depending on the age of the kids in the car, you will hear different noises coming from them, all of which are usually annoying.

If you have a newborn, you’ll hear a lot of crying and/or high-pitched squeals.  If your kids are in the 1-3 age range, you’ll probably just get a lot of random humming or unintelligible gibberish talk.

Kids 4 to 6 are the ones that are the most annoying.  Now that they have a vocabulary, they want to make all kinds of noise, including: singing TV show theme songs, asking their parents questions over and over again, or telling their parents about something they find interesting that the parents could really care about as much as swatting a dead fly!

3. DIAPER CHANGING.

I’ve said time and time again how annoying I find the whole diaper-changing thing to be.  However, nothing cuts off your driver timing – especially if you have to be somewhere at a specific time – than having to change a baby that just pooped on itself. 

Now, you have to get off the freeway, find a building that has a bathroom with a baby-changing station (not all establishments have them build in, though they should), grab the baby and manage to carry it AND the baby bag at the same time, wipe the baby down, change the kid’s diaper while it tries to struggle with you, avoid getting baby poop on yourself, go back to the car, spend 2 minutes getting the child back into the child seat…

…and then pray to God the kid can hold off from going again for the remaining 20 minutes it SHOULD take you to get there.  SCREW THAT!

4. “ARE WE THERE YET??” (aka No Concept of Time)

As an adult, I know ahead of time how long it will take me to drive someplace.    Kids, however, have no concept of time.  When I was little, my parents would tell me to sit in time-out for 10 minutes, but really only time it on the clock for 5.  Nevertheless, those “5 minutes” felt like 10 to me because I had no idea how long 10 minutes should feel like.

So, even if you tell kids how long it’ll take to get someplace, they will STILL get antsy, and start asking the question all parents HATE to hear from the back-seat:

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? ARE. WE. THERE. YET!???”

This question drives me CRAZY!!  If we haven’t pulled into a parking lot and stopped the car yet, WHY THE HECK WOULD THEY THINK WE WERE THERE YET?!?  These illogical thought processes make my blood pressure boil, people!!

5. FREQUENT FOOD STOPS.

Food stops are just as bad as bathroom stops.  If I’m about to take a 5 to 6 hour drive someplace, I usually only require one or two food stops, and I don’t eat much because it makes me fall asleep at the wheel when I do.

With kids, however, they have a tendency to be constantly hungry on road trips.  It’s not unheard of to have to stop once every hour to get food for these people, who will then proceed to junk up your car with ketchup finger stains, opened burger wrappers on the floor, and fry grease on your window.

Food stops also have the added “bonus” of being able to start fights in the car!  You may be in the mood for a burger, while your kids want Mexican food or pizza.  If you have two or more kids and they all want something different, this one decision about where to eat can cause for hurt feelings and LOTS of crying by at least one of the kids that aren’t getting their food choice!

6. FIGHTS IN THE CAR.

Like I said before, kids get antsy during long car trips.  They need to find ways to keep themselves occupied – unfortunately, though, if they don’t have a hand-held video game system or DVD set handy, they’ll usually resort to the next-best thing:

Trying to annoy the heck out of their sibling!

Pushing, shoving, calling names, hitting, tattle-telling – all of these things become fair game for the now oh-so-annoying backseat passengers.  It can get as bad as the siblings getting into a physical fight, which means you now have to stop the car and become a kid referee (see: Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #58: Being a Kid Referee Does NOT Appeal to Me)! 

Oh, if only kids could sit still! Which reminds me…

7. THEY CAN’T SIT STILL.

Kids hate sitting still in one place for more than 10 seconds, let alone for a 5-hour road trip.  Eventually, they’ll start moving their bodies in all types of ways just to get their bones moving.

A kid will bounce around in his seat, start kicking its legs around, squirm like its dancing in its seat, and many other types of movements that will probably make you ponder throwing your kid out the car! 

And, if their body gets too restless, they’ll eventually ask you if you can stop the car for a few minutes so they can get out and stretch.  Once again, your trip will be delayed because little Johnny needed time to run around in the middle of nowhere for some much-needed stretching.  Man up, you little punk!

8. YOU CAN’T PLAY ADULT MUSIC.

To be fair, you can actually play any type of music you want.  However, I grew up in a house where our parents didn’t like us owning music with cussing in it.  We got to listen to the artists we wanted, but we had to buy the edited versions of their music.

Now that I’m an adult, I listen to all types of music with bad language in it, yet I still feel like children shouldn’t be exposed to certain words that early in life.  Unfortunately, most of the songs I like now DO have these bad words in them. Were I to have children, about 74% of my music catalogue could not be played with children in the car.

And it would suck, because the most relaxing thing to me is being able to hit the highway for a long drive and jam out to the music I like.  Not so relaxing?  Having to hear “Hannah Montana” or the “Dora the Explorer” soundtrack simply because my 3-year old likes it and would cry if he couldn’t hear it at least 3 times during the drive!!

9. KIDS COMPLAIN TOO EASILY.

No matter how comfortable you try to make your kiddie passengers, they will, at some point, complain about SOMETHING during the trip.  A few examples:

  • “Mom, the air conditioning is too cold!”
  • “Dad, the air conditioning isn’t working!”
  • “Can somebody roll up/down a window?”
  • “This seat belt is hurting my shoulder!”
  • “The sun is hurting my eyes!”
  • “Do you know where you’re going, Dad?”
  • “When are we going to get home??”

How about, “When will you shut the heck up and stop complaining so I can enjoy the rest of this darn drive?!?”

10. THEY STILL WANT ATTENTION PAID TO THEM… EVEN WHILE YOU’RE STILL DRIVING.

Kids, at heart, are selfish people who feed off having attention paid to them.  This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if they didn’t expect to be paid attention to at inadaquate times – like, oh, I dunno, WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO DRIVE!

I’ve seen kids cry from the back seat of a car, simply because their parent wouldn’t take 15 seconds to look back at a silly face they were trying to show them.  Sorry, kid, but Mommy had to make sure she kept her eyes forward so the rest of her family wouldn’t die on the road!

So, there you have it! 10 reasons I HATE riding in cars with children.  Hopefully, I’ll never have to drive any children around, unless it’s my brother’s kids – and even then, I’m keeping muzzles in my trunk!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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2 responses so far ↓

  • elladatort // June 26, 2008 at 11:53 am

    lol, this topic has inspired me to write something for my blog. I hope it’s ok with you. Here’s the link and I guess you should approve it so I don’t copy anything.
    http://elladatort.wordpress.com/

  • Twinmom122606 // June 26, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    That is hilarious and SOO true! We just got back from a FL trip and that was a 13 hour drive there and 12 hour drive back! Talking about one LONG drive with 17 month old twins and a 3 year old! It was soo nice to be home! I can totally vouch for all these! Always take advil along…otherwise you’ll be driving in a car with screaming babies and one big ole’ headache!

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