Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #58: Being a Kid Referee Does Not Appeal to Me

June 24, 2008 · 4 Comments

Above: A fat kid comes in the room and asks his brother what’s for dinner – and gets smacked for it.  The sounds he makes are annoying, but the video is hilarious!!

There was a 6-month period of my life where I lived with my Uncle and his two kids, aged 11 and 15.  Being that I was 23 at the time, I got to be like the “co-parent” of the house, watching after my younger cousins when my Uncle had to go out the house.  And, since he had a sales job, he was out of the house a LOT.

This gave me lots of time to see my cousins interact with each other, and… well, let’s just say, many of those interactions were NOT pretty.  Their age difference resulted in a lot of situations where the younger brother wanted to either hang out with or annoy the older sister, while the older sister wanted to be left alone and/or show her authority over the younger brother.

Consequently, they fought.  A LOT.  And me, being the older, more “mature” person in the house, was expected to break up these little incidents should they be on the verge of killing each other. 6 months of having to do this day in and day out was tiring, stressful, and NOT fun.

So, I can sit here today and type with complete absolution: being a kid referee does NOT appeal to me!

Having more than one kid means having to spend at least 18 years of your life breaking up kid fights, most of it over dumb stuff.  What kind of dumb stuff am I talking about?  Once again, here’s just a partial list, which includes:

  • Car seating (i.e. who sits in the front vs. the back)
  • Table seating
  • Living room seating
  • TV channels
  • Remote control handling
  • Who gets to sit in Mom’s/Dad’s lap
  • One sibling staring at the other one for too long
  • One sibling ignoring the other one for too long
  • Toys
  • Video games
  • What board game to play

Oh my gosh, I have to stop typing this list now.  There are so many stupid things I could type that kids start fights over, I’ll end up with carpel tunnel!  I’ve seen kids start fights over NOTHING, people – they don’t even NEED a reason to fight, other than “I just feel like it!”

When kids fight, the ideal end result for them is never resolution – no, the end result they hope for is, “I get my way, and this person accepts it or dies!”  And since both sides want to have their way, their fights could, in theory, go on and on indefinitely, were it not for somebody breaking up their fight.

Enter: the parent.

Adults love watching a good fight, yet they know that, as responsible parents, they have to do what is right in the interest of their kids health – in this case, making sure neither of them kills the other one (though I say, if they do kill each other, is there anything REALLY wrong with that??).  They have to somehow wiggle themselves in between their children, who, by now, may have each other in headlocks, and force them apart.

You would think it would be easy for an adult over 5 feet to stop some 3-foot lil’ rugrats from fighting.  FAR FROM IT.  Kids don’t fight fair – they scratch, they bite, they squirm around, the swing their limbs wildly, all in the hopes of being able to break loose from their parents and continue their fight against their sibling.

And I, for one, am not the type of guy that even likes getting into fights, much less being bruised up while trying to stop one.  If kids were able to better rationalize and negotiate for what they want rather than fighting for it, I could see how having one might not be so bothersome. 

But, as with everything else, kids have to be taught how to talk out their problems, and the time (i.e. YEARS) I spend teaching them to do that, I could just as easily be spending time with my girlfriend/wife doing something more enjoyable, without having to worry about whether or not the two lil’ morons I created will break out into a fight over who gets to turn the AC on in my car!!

-A.P. Taylor

(Note: This blog was inspired, in part, by a blog I read on this site called “How Do You Do It?” by the mother of twins.  I encourage you to read her article, “They Played Independently, So I Should Be Happy, Right? Right?”, by clicking HERE so you’ll get a better understanding of what I do NOT want to deal with!)

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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