Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #57: Kids Are Too Easily Scared

June 23, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: Parents scare their children, who had seen a scary movie earlier that night.  Extremely hilarious!!

Playing the part of “protector” is a very vital role in the job description of being a parent.  If something harmful comes along that could threaten the life of a couple’s children, the adults present are supposed to be there to see that kids remain safe.

Adults are usually aware of what is and is not going to hurt their children.  After all, they’ve been on Earth for quite some time, and by the time they get older, one assumes that most adults can use adequate rational to tell when something is hurtful, or poses no real threat.

Unfortunately, children are newcomers to this planet and do not know this.  Consequently, almost everything they experience for the first time is new, unfamiliar… and downright scary!

And frankly, dealing with a bunch of scaredy cats is downright annoying!!

It’s not that I don’t have the “protector” gene in me.  I was the older sibling in my family, meaning there were times I had to look after my younger brother to make sure he didn’t do something to kill himself when our parents weren’t around.

No, the problem I have is that kids can be scared of so many things out there, most of which are downright silly, and I don’t feel like taking time out of my day to try and explain to them why they have no reason to be scared. 

What’s that you say?  What “silly” things am I talking about?  Here’s just a short list of things kids get scared over that are stupid as heck:

  • The “Chuck E. Cheese” mouse (this was my brother’s fear at age 2 – sorry for calling you out, bro!)
  • Clowns (really? Make-up and a big smile make a kid cry??)
  • Santa Claus (He hasn’t been on “To Catch a Predator” yet, so why the screaming??)
  • The sound the train makes against the tracks when it’s running (I see this all the time in Atlanta)
  • Touching lukewarm water
  • Grandma (Though, to be fair, old people make-up can be kind of scary)
  • Being hugged by a stranger – and by stranger, I mean relative they’ve never met before, even though you’ve told them hundreds of times that they are okay to be around
  • Hamsters
  • Casper the Friendly Ghost (Oh, so just because the word “ghost” is in his name, the kid has to be scared??)

The problem is, while adults can rationalize the world enough to wear less things scare them, kids don’t have that rational sense developed in them all the way when they’re young.  So, anything that appears like it MIGHT be harmless, in their minds, can COMPLETELY DESTROY THEM AND ALL THEY CARE FOR!

This is why kids freak out so hard when they have nightmares.  I don’t have scary dreams much anymore, but when I do, I’ll get up, realize it was just a bad dream, and go back to sleep. 

But what about kids?  They wake up, scream, cry, wet the bed, run around the house, and eventually end up waking Mommy and Daddy up from their deep sleep – the one they need all 8 hours of to function properly at work the next day – so that they can be comforted back to sleep, IF they can even get back to sleep in the first place!

Even if a kid knows how easily scared it is, they will still try and test the boundaries of their fear by purposefully doing stuff that scares them.  For example, a young boy might know that watching scary movies will give him nightmares… yet, if ”Nightmare on Elm Street” comes on TV, he’ll be the first one begging his parents to see it, and will cry ad nausea if they don’t let him. 

Now, the parents have to decide which unpleasantness they’ll want to deal with: the kid’s crying and screaming for not getting his way, or the kid’s crying and screaming later on when he’s having bad dreams as a result of watching the movie.  Either way, the parents are sure of one thing: crying and screaming is definitely on the menu for the evening!

Luckily for me, I don’t ever plan on having to even SEE that menu in the first place, ’cause I won’t have any scared little brats running around!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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