Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #55: They Make Me Sick… Literally

June 21, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: A pregnant mom is in bed, and her growing fetus has made her feel ill. Just wait ’til it pops out the oven, lady!

My mom used to volunteer part-time as a Day Care Center helper back when my brother and I were going to one after school. She enjoys being around kids (unlike me), and was always very good at coming up with activities for children to do that were both fun and distracting from doing dumb stuff.

However, I noticed a pattern that would happen quite often: she would work at the day care for a few days, then would be at home sick for 3 or 4 days. Once she got better she would go back to the day care for a few more days, only to end up sick again a week later.

I didn’t understand this at the time – I just thought it was flu season year ’round for her – but as I got older, I realised why she got sick:

KIDS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN LITTLE GERM SPREADERS OUT TO DESTROY US ALL!!

Oh sure, they may SEEM like cute lil’ bite-sized versions of REAL people who just want love and affection, but DO NOT BE FOOLED – they’re secretly out to terminate the current population of adults with their cooties so they can, in the words of “Pinky and the Brain,” try and take over the world!

It starts back in the womb: the woman gets pregnant and starts throwing up all over the place. Then, she gets random bouts of sickness, as if the growing fetus inside her is already trying to figure out ways to get rid of her. When my mom was pregnant with my brother, she was sick CONSTANTLY, and, upon his birth, became allergic and/or sick from things she hadn’t been affected by before.

Coincidence?? I think not!

Once the kid is born, their exposure to a new environment causes them to catch colds easily. Their body becomes a river full of diverse liquids – crying eyes, snotty nose, puss, drool, oddly-colored urine – and guess who has to try and plug up all this drainage?

That’s right – YOU do!

And since these things also carry germs, it’s no surprise why most parents get sick immediately after handling their ill child!

Oh, but it gets BETTER! Even if a kid is NOT sick, they can still bring things into your house that cause germs to grow. Kids are notorious for not washing their hands. This wouldn’t be a problem, except they use those same hands to:

  • Go to the bathroom
  • Wipe their nose
  • Sneeze-guard their “a-choo’s”
  • Grab dirt/mud
  • Wipe their butts
  • Put their fingers in their mouth
  • Run it through their hair
  • Grab onto railings
  • Climb trees
  • Finger paint
  • Take the gum off their shoe
  • Play with bugs/other small animals
  • Pet a dog/cat
  • Swap items with other kids (Nintendo Controllers, game set pieces, etc.)
  • Lick various foods and flavors off their fingers (ice cream, popscicle drippings, cookie dough)

They do all this stuff without remembering to wash their hands… but as soon as they see Mommy and Daddy, they want to be all grabby, thereby passing their germs onto YOU!

I’ve experienced this myself before. I’ve gone and seen cousins who got sick while I was visiting, only to end up getting home and finding myself bed-ridden for a week!

I also had my fair share of sickness when I was little. Between my tonsils being malfunctioned and my lactose intolerance problem, I’ve already experienced more sickness than most people do in a lifetime. The LAST thing I need is to create something that will be nothing more than a living, breathing trap for germs that can be transferred BACK to me!

HA HA HA, you non-existing kid, you – you may get others, but your germs’ll never take ME out!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com. If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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