Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #54: If They Keep Hitting Me, I’ll Have to Kill Them

June 19, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: A toddler with a mallet hits everything in sight… including the mother filming the video.  Hilarious, but I’m glad it’s not me!

As one of the older members in the current generation of my family, I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with a LOT of younger cousins/siblings and their little friends.  If there’s one thing I’ve noticed time and time again, its that all of them, when they were very young, went through a phase known as “The Hitting Stage.”

This is just one of the many annoying phases kids go through when growing up – annoying, that is, to the people around them who have to deal with it.  This particular phase is when the child, who still hasn’t completely developed a way to verbally state their dislike of something, will show off their negative feelings by hitting anyone in site!

And I’ve been on the end of some nasty hits over the years.  For example, if a young kid asked me if they could see my camera and I told them “no” because I didn’t want them to break it (see: Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #53: They Break Stuff), they start slapping me repeatedly in the hopes that I’ll cave in and let them hold it.

Sometimes, a kid won’t even be mad at you, but will instead use hitting as a way of trying to play.  I don’t understand where they get the idea that people like being hit for fun… but wherever they got it from, that place needs to be put out of business!  There have been too many kids out there trying to have fun with me by trying to chase me around and hit me, and I can’t stand it!

Even if you try to be serious with the kid and tell them to stop hitting you… well, 9 times out of 10, they won’t get it right away.  In my case, I’ve put on the serious face and said, “look, STOP hitting me!”, even going so far as to threaten to hit them back.  And yes, I have had to hit a few of my cousins back before… not that it stopped them from hitting me.  They would just go away, come back later when they thought I was in a better mood, and slap me again!!

Kids oftentimes don’t know the own strength of their hits, so it’s not like they’re giving out soft love-taps.  Oh no – these slaps can leave welts, bruises, nail scratchings, markings, and more!  And if a kid isn’t trying to hit you with their bare hands, they’ll even pick up objects to throw at you or hit you with! Toys, mallets, cell phones, remote controls, food – all of these simple everyday items can become a weapon when placed in the hands of young children!

Now, some person may read this and say, “But Mr. Taylor, all you have to do is teach the child not to hit when they want something, and they’ll eventually stop doing it.”

And maybe that’s true – but again, its the idea that I’d even have to deal with it in the first place that makes me NOT want to have children!  Yes, you can teach a kid to respect adults and others around them by not hitting, but it’s not like it will happen overnight.  It can take a kid YEARS before it finally clicks that maybe, just maybe, they shouldn’t be doing something like hitting other people, lest they end up on the receiving side of some harsh hitting themselves!

So, what’s the choice – a life filled with slappy children or a life filled with NO children?  I’ll take the latter, please!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story may be the catalyst for my next blog!

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