Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #53: They Break Stuff

June 18, 2008 · 3 Comments

Above: A kid breaks a $600 plasma television while playing bowling on Nintendo Wii.  There goes that plane ticket to the islands, Mom and Dad!

Kids are clumsy, and they break stuff.  ‘Nuff said.

-A.P. Taylor





What, you were expecting me to type MORE in this entry? Okay, fine…

Not that this idea really needs much expanding.  Kids’ brains are at a much lower intelligence level than an adult brain, which affects just about everything they do, including (a) what they think is smart vs. dumb, and (b) how coordinated they are.

And who gets to suffer the consequences of these lil’ underdeveloped brains?  ADULTS, that’s who! 

How do we suffer?  When a kid decides he wants to fool around with something that’s not theirs – i.e. is probably YOURS – and breaks it!

Young kids are especially notorious for grabbing any object they see and somehow dismantling it to bits.  You know that universal control you wanted to buy that can operate every single electronic function you have in your house?  Imagine how great you’ll feel when you come home from work one day, only to have your wife tell you that the baby decided to use it as fishing bait… for your toilet!

Oh, wait, that’s right – YOU WON’T FEEL GREAT AT ALL!  If anything, you’ll probably feel like strangling the kid!!

Yes, having a kid means you’ll now have to be on guard for just about EVERY SINGLE THING YOU OWN that either has significant meaning to you or would cost too much money to replace.  DVD players, TVs, vacuum cleaners, fine China – all of these things seem to give signals to young kids that say, “Your parents LOVE this thing – please come over here and break me right away!”

The sad part is, because most kids don’t have a money guage to tell the what’s expensive or what’s not, they can never seem to figure out why the thing they just broke is causing you to become so angry! A kid doesn’t understand why Daddy got so upset just because he decided to key the words “I love you” into the new $1000 paint job on his car!  An infant can’t figure out why throwing Mommy’s new iPhone on the ground and smashing it to pieces has placed her on punishment! “Geez,” they think to themselves, “can’t they just get it fixed?!?”

Kids also have the worst coordination in the world.  Their bodies are constantly changing in height and weight, meaning they have to constantly re-figure out how to balance themselves.  Unfortunately, it also means they fall and trip a LOT, and – if you’re lucky – you just might find them accidentally crashing themselves into your favorite (insert item here) and completely destroying it!

And this is just if they get near YOUR stuff – they’re just as capable of breaking their stuff, too!  I can’t even begin to remember how many times my parents had to re-buy my brother and I Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys as a result of them getting broken, lost, worn out, or having body parts missing.  They probably spent dang near $200 just replacing those toys!

All the money I’d be spending to replace broken items, or having to fix something as a result of my dumb-ass kid being ignorant of what NOT to touch, is money that I could be spending on myself, or taking my girlfriend/wife out someplace, or going on vacation… and the list goes on and on.  If I wanted to have something around that was constantly out to destroy everything I owned, I’d save time and buy a bulldozer instead!

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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3 responses so far ↓

  • Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #54: If They Keep Hitting Me, I’ll Have to Kill Them « Why I’m NEVER Having Kids // June 19, 2008 at 9:12 am

    [...] About the Author, A.P. Taylor + Links 2 All “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” Articles ← Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #53: They Break Stuff [...]

  • the dude aka smash696 // June 19, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    fucking priceless. if that happened to my TV i would flip out so fucking bad.

    but then again, im never geting a wii cause it sucks, and im damn sure not having kids, so all good :)

  • CF Sista // January 5, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Ahahahaha! That’s the number one thing my sister complains about…her stuff never lasting. Her 14 year old and a 3 year old kids live with her. Her toddler poured olive oil into the big screen TV she and her husband own, and now they have a swirl and dark spots at the bottom of the T.V. They can barely keep anything new. The 14 year old has gotten better about abusing and breaking stuff because now, of course, she has her OWN stuff to worry about, but that toddler doesn’t care. I’ve seen my toddler nephew wantonly throw stuff with the sole purpose of destroying it like he was The Terminator. It’s CRAZY!

    I like owning various electronic gadgets and widgets and keeping them around for a LONG, LONG time. My husband and I just bought a brand new laptop and TomTom GPS system. We would have to lock our stuff up and pull it out when they weren’t around in order to keep the items in like-new condition, buttttt, since we are NEVER having kids, either, we will NEVER have to worry about that! :D

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