Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #51: Kids w/Crappy Names Annoy the $#!+ Outta Me.. and Mine Could Have One!!

June 16, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: Stand-up comedian Finesse Mitchell talking about his short time as a substitute teacher, and how it took him 30 minutes to do roll call.  Funny!

Some people just shouldn’t be able to have children, especially those that have no common sense when it comes to naming them!

I watch shows like “Entertainment Tonight” and “Extra” where the focus is on celebrity life, with one of the aspects often focusing on a famous person’s pregnancy and/or recent child birth, and it amazes me how many of them end up giving their kids terrible names.  (Really, Gwyneth, you thought “Apple” was a good name for your daughter?!?)

But it’s not just celebrities that have followed the fad of giving children funny-sounding names.  There’s a book out called “Bad Baby Names,” and Michael Sherrod, one of the co-authors who was interviewed a few months ago on “The Today Show,” pointed out that people have been doing this as far back as the 1790s (I’m sure it’s been much longer, though they may have been too embarassing to be documented).

Part of the reason people do this is because they want their child to be seen as “different” from other people (in the sense that they believe their baby should stand out above all others).  Therefore, naming their kid something like “Kamikaze” will definitely give their baby a name that will draw more focus than the other kids with so-called “normal” names like Steve or Michael.

And why do I say “so-called normal?”  Well, that’s another reason kids get bad names – everybody’s idea of “normal” is different, and what may seem like a regular name to one person may seem like a “what the f–k is this person thinking” name to someone else!

For example: in badly-developed neighborhoods that are lacking in funds (a long, drawn out version of saying “the ghetto”), it’s not uncommon for a person to name their baby something the parents wish they could afford.  Thus, the explanation for names like “Lexus,” “Mercedes,” or “Diamond.”  These names may seem quite absurd to people outside these neighborhoods, but they’re quite common in low-income areas.  (They’re also great stripper names, so there’s always a chance they could end up making more money than their parents did should they decide to get into that profession.)

As for people in rich areas… well, I have no idea why they’d decide to “bless” their child with an embarrassing name.  Really, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, you gave your kid the name “Scout”??? Is this a dog or a kid we’re talking about?!?

Were I to have children, I couldn’t even begin to imagine giving my kid a name that would give them any problems in the future, whether it be getting teased on the playground or being passed over for a job.  Aw, you mean to tell me that lil’ “Raper Taylor” couldn’t get a job as a sex therapist?!?

Life is already hard enough for a kid as it is – they get teased, made fun of, and have opinions made about them.  Having a name bestowed upon them just because their parents were feeling creative that day can cause serious emotional and psychological problems, and I’m not trying to do that to anybody, especially a kid of my own.

I know what you’re probably thinking: “OK, then, why not just give the kid a NORMAL name??” 

And the answer is, I have no problem with that.  However, unless you’re adopting, naming a baby is usually the decision of TWO people, not one.  I could fall in love with and get married to a girl who has a perfectly normal name, thinking that we’d name our kid something I consider normal (i.e. Samantha, Peter, David, Mary, etc.)…

…only to find out that my wife, upon delivering the baby, really likes the way “Phoneshia” sounds!!  And if there’s one thing I know about women, it’s that they usually have baby names picked out as far back as 5 years old, and stomping on their dreams of using that name can cause for a whole LOT of hurt later!!

So, thanks but no thanks, I’m not even trying to get into THAT fight of naming a baby.  I’ll just settle for NOT having them in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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1 response so far ↓

  • Kathy // June 17, 2008 at 8:02 am

    Oh, man, you hit it on the head again!

    My husband and I have struggled with baby names since even before I got pregnant the first time. All of the names I had picked out, he hated; and vice versa. At least we were able to decide on some parameters (nothing weird, because then the kid has to spell his name 50 times a day; but nothing too popular either, because then he’s one of 50 kids with the same name), but it still was a very hard time picking out the names of our two kids.

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