Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #47: Hearing Baby Talk from Adults Annoys the $#!+ Outta Me

June 10, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A mother plays “Peek-a-Boo” with her infant.  I think her pitch is LOUDER than Mariah Carey’s high notes!

It seems like every time I go out to eat now, my meals end up getting interupted by situations involving children!

Yesterday was no different.  I went out to enjoy lunch at a local restaurant, and while I was waiting for my meal, a group of three people – an infant, a mother and a grandmother – were sat at a nearby table. 

When these situations happen, I say the same thing to myself every time: “Oh dear God, please don’t let this child start crying, screaming, or making high-pitched noises, or I may have to drown myself in the bathroom toilet!”

As it turns out, though, the small child was actually well-behaved and didn’t make too much noise.  I was actually quite surprised, seeing as though my normal aforementioned prayer usually doesn’t get answered (and you’d be amazed at how many times my head has been pulled out from a restaurant bathroom.  Good thing I carry soap around!).

No – today, it was the Grandmother that provided the annoyance with her incessant baby talk. 

I kid you not (because I’m not having kids – ha ha, get it?!?), during the remainder of my visit, I kept hearing this woman talk to this infant like he was a retarded seal!  “Awww, wook at the cute little baby! Aren’t you Grandma’s special little wookie-woo? Yes you are, YES YOU ARE!”

That’s just a SMALL sample of dialogue.  The remainder of the “converstation” – if you could call it that - consisted of various re-wordings of the aforementioned sentiment, along with random noises from the Grandma that can’t be typed here, if only because I’d have no idea how to spell them correctly OR phonetically.

By the time a person reaches adulthood (and assuming they had some form of schooling growing up), they have taken just about every language-improvement and/or reading class known to man.  If they graduated high school or college, they should have some idea of how to properly speak their native language.

Therefore, it absolutely baffles me when a person has a baby, and starts talking to it like they only know basic words and phrases! 

My parents didn’t talk to me this way – they thought doing so would dumb me down (and I thank them for not doing so) – and, were I to have kids, I’m sure I wouldn’t do it either…

…but even if I didn’t, there’s still a chance that the people around me would.  I can just see it: I’m walking down the street with my newborn child in a stroller, when someone comes up to me and says:

“OH! Is that YOUR baby?!? (Kneels down to the baby’s level) Aww, aren’t you the cutest lil’ thing?!? (Then, in a baby-talk voice) Who’s the cute baby?  Whoooose the cute wittle baby?? Yes you are! YES YOU ARE!!”

Running into this scenario 5 or 6 times a day would drive me crazy!  And the worst part is, you can’t tell people you don’t know NOT to talk to your kid like that, lest you be seen as a rude prick who can’t take a compliment about his kid!

And by the way: what the heck is with all these adults changing their voice pitch when they talk to these babies in the first place!  Grown men with deep-sounding voices will suddenly get 3 octaves higher when playing around with a baby; grown women who have authoritative voices with a base-line pitch will start talking in high notes like they’re trying out for lead alto in a choir!

What, do babies not understand grown-ups who talk in their NORMAL tone?!?  USE YOUR OWN VOICE, DANG IT!!

Not that I have to worry about dealing with any of this baby-talking stuff since I’m NOT having kids. No I’m not, NO I’M NOT!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you are a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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