Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #46: Pregnancy Pains for Her… AND Him

June 9, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: A clip from “The Cosby Show” where the men are pregnant.  They get to experience all the pains women have during those 9-months.  Oh boy!

And now, a horror story for all you guys out there:

Once upon a time, there was a man and a woman who were happily married to each other.  They both wanted to have children (this part of the story I don’t understand at all), and did their best (i.e. had lots of sex) to make sure their dream came to pass.

One morning, the guy woke up from their bed, and found himself feeling a bit queasy.  At first he brushed it off like it was nothing, thinking to himself, “Hmm, I guess that vodka I drank last night hasn’t worn off yet.”  Then he remembered: “Oh wait, I only had ONE drink – I can’t be hungover!”

As he was about to let it go and not give it another thought, his stomach suddenly began to churn.  He immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, where he proceeded to throw up for 10 minutes straight.

His wife sat in bed looking puzzled.  A few minutes later, her husband came back into bed.  “Are you okay?” said the concerned wife.

“Ugh, I don’t feel so good,” he said.  Suddenly, he felt that nauseating sensation rise up in his stomach, and off he ran to the bathroom again to throw up.  20 minutes later, he came out of the bathroom, and said to his wife:

“I think we might be pregnant.”

- – - – - -

Does this story sound far-fetched to you?  Well, guess what?  This is EXACLY what happened when MY mom was pregnant with me – my DAD was the one that experienced the tell-tale signs of pregnancy long before my mom did!

We all know that women go through all sorts of pains and body-changing configurations, yet people rarely talk about the pain that guys go through during that time.  Women will argue all day with this point – “you have NO idea what we have to go through during pregnancy” – to which my reply is: “yes we do – you can’t stop talking about it, and it’s driving me CRAZY!”

Men may not have to deal with physical pains (most of the time), but having to deal with a pregnant woman can be pain enough in and of itself.  What follows is just a small list of what guys have to deal with:

  • A female with an ever-changing mood
  • Having to hear/deal with her worries about the kid
  • Sudden outbursts of crying and anger towards us, many times for no reason
  • A rising food bill – after all, she’s eating for two!
  • Hearing self-doubting statements such as “I don’t look pretty anymore” or “I’m getting too fat” (of COURSE you are – you’re PREGNANT!)
  • Extreme horniness – not exactly a BAD thing, unless she’s 8 months pregnant and wants to get it on with you (and yes, the idea that our penis might be hitting our soon-to-be-born kid is disgusting)

And then, there are the aforementioned sympathy pains!  Yes, gentleman, you, too, can experience some of the actual physical pains normally reserved for women during this time!  Weight gain, morning sickness, fatigue – all of this and more can possibly be felt by the father-to-be . 

Why?  Honestly, I have no idea; if I had to guess, though, I think it’s because nature is freakish enough give a father radar into whether or not the woman he spermed up is pregnant.  And if she isn’t showing any signs, nature says, “Okay, she ain’t gettin’ the signal – quick, let’s make the father of this baby throw up a few times!”

Well, thanks but no thanks.  I’ve lived my life with a lactose intolerant problem, and every time someone accidentally got milk into what I was eating, I got to spend qualitiy time with Mr. Porcelain, and it wasn’t fun.  The last thing I want to do is get some girl pregnant and have to experience even a FRACTION of what she’s going to experience.  I’ll save THAT “joy” for people who actually WANT kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you have children, send your “Dealing with children horror stories” - who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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