Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #45: They Don’t Come Equipped with Volume Controls

June 8, 2008 · No Comments

Above: Young kids being loud. For NO reason.

If little kids came equipped with a remote volume control, they might be a little bit easier for me to tolerate.

Unfortunately, that is not the case.  As it turns out, young children happen to be some of the loudest noise-makers on the planet!  And they don’t even need any extra equipment lying around to make noise – they’re loud enough as it is on their own!

Young children have no inner volume control.  Whether they’re crying and screaming about something they want, or a asking their mom a simple question, kids’ voices are high-pitched at ALL times, and rarely do they talk in soft tones.  The words “whisper” and “lower voice register” haven’t been placed into their vocabulary yet, which would explain why they look at adults weird when being told to “quiet the f–k down.”

One can understand why children would do this.  They want and/or need their parent’s attention, and the only way they know how to get it is by being loud.  At that age, they know being loud is a sure-fire way to get an immediate response - unfortunately for the other people around that have to listen to them, it seems to be the ONLY way they know of to get their desired result.

I rode the train to and from work today, and in both cases there were children around me.  On the way to work, a 6-year old child kept asking her mom various questions about where they were going; on the way from work, a 2-year old was playing with a bottle of lotion while making squealing sounds.

What did these two kids have in common?  LOUD voices.  The 6-year old was sitting right next to her mom, yet you would have thought she was trying to get her mom’s attention from the other side of the train car with the way she belted out her questions!  Meanwhile, the 2-year old with the lotion bottle kept making these squealing noises like she was an extra from the set of “Alien,” only her pitch was even HIGHER than the one the alien made!

There does come a point in a kid’s life when they finally realize that people can actually HEAR them without the extra noise added to their speech.  Unfortunately, this usually doesn’t occur until they hit 8 or 9 – until then, a parent is forced to deal with consistent loud talking, screaming, crying, and other annoying sound their kid will make in a high-pitched tone. 

And, as a person who enjoys talking to people in public with a conversational tone (i.e. a tone where not everyone around me can hear me), having a kid there talking to me while inadvertently letting everyone else around us know what he’s trying to say is just plain annoying.  The only thing I want other people around me to know is that I’m NEVER HAVING KIDS!!

Now THAT’S something I wouldn’t mind screaming in a high-pitched tone!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you already HAVE kids, send your “dealing with kids horror stories” – who knows, your story may end up the catalyst for my next blog! 

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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