Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #42: A Sex Life Derailed, Part 3 – Sex, Interrupted

June 3, 2008 · 3 Comments

Above: A clip from “The Simpsons”, where Marge’s pirate sex fantasy is interrupted by Lisa’s saxaphone playing.  Could this happen to you?  (Yes – yes it could.) 

In part 1 of this series of “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” blogs, I discussed how the process of trying to make a baby can cause sex to go from being fun, to a job that’s depressing if the results you want – i.e. to have kids – isn’t happening fast enough.

In part 2, I talked about how the after-effects giving birth has on a woman’s body can cause her to not be sex-accessible for God knows how long!

But, let’s say you get past those two issues: you get pregnant, and, after a 6-week sex hiatus post-birth, it turns out that not only is the woman ready to have sex, but she’s as horny as ever (always a good thing, especially if you’re the guy on the receiving end of womanly horniness!)

There’s still just one little problem… you STILL have a kid. And there’s a good chance that, if you DO have children, your sex life will become a continuous game of “Stop and Go,” as in: you try to go and have sex… and the presence of kids in your life forces you to stop!

Just think of all the wonderful instances where your night of passion can be interrupted. Heck, we’ll even do it by age range:

AGES 0 TO 2 YEARS OLD:

You’ve put the baby to bed, and now you’re ready for some lovin’! You set up the atmosphere in your room, light some candles, put on some soft music, place the special silk sheets on the bed… and, just as you’re getting her in the mood and you’re about to park your car in her garage…

“W-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! W-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

You hear that? That’s the sound of the baby crying! Heaven knows what could be wrong with the kid, but you do know one thing: that kid’s gonna be up all night crying, so it’s “Hello, baby rocking” and “Bye bye, night of passion!”

And even when the baby is NOT crying, as a new parent there is always an urgency to check on the baby to see if it’s doing well. So many things could happen to it – the baby could fall asleep the wrong way, go to the bathroom on itself and develop a rash if it’s not changed in time, etc. – that the worry of it alone could cause a severe case of “Cock-block”-itis!

AGES 2 TO 5 YEARS OLD:

Young kids get scared very easily. They could be watching TV, see a cartoon ghost floating around Scooby-Doo’s house, and start screaming their heads off.

It wouldn’t be so bad, if it weren’t for the fact that these same kids will then go to sleep, and have NIGHTMARES about the scary thing they saw earlier that day! And when kids have nightmares, what do they do?

They run to their parents room, and ask if they can sleep in THEIR bed!

The kid, of course, is too young to think that the reason Mommy and Daddy had the door locked is because they wanted to play a lil’ game of “Find the ghost under the covers.” No, that kid just keeps knocking until its parents finally realize that, no matter what they do or say to the kid about the things in their nightmare not being real, they’ll have no choice but to let the kid sleep in the bed with them.

The result? Good sleep for the kid, bad sleep for the unsatisfied adults, and NO sex for anyone that night!

AGES 5 TO 11 YEARS OLD:

By now, the kids SHOULD be past the point of wanting to sleep in your bed. Even so, they can STILL interrupt your sex life.

First of all, if you have more than one kid, chances are those kids will spend a good portion of their time fighting each other. Which means YOU will spend a good amount of YOUR time being stressed out trying to discipline them. In turn, while you may have been in the mood to turn your partner out early on in the day, the breaking up of stupid fights between siblings may put you in a less than sexy mood.

“But what if I just schedule a time for them to be away so it’s just me and my significant other? I could always send them to their grandparents’ house, or to a camp for a couple of days/weeks.”

That’s true, but remember: they’re still YOUR kids. They’re still YOUR responsibility.

You could plan a 2-week summer camp getaway for the kids, thinking you’ll have all the time in the world to screw your partner’s brains out… and as soon as you get home from dropping him off at the camp, you get back home, only to find a message on your machine saying that your son broke his leg playing on the monkey bars and has to be picked up!

Now you’ve got a kid at home with a broken leg who’s in constant pain – but, most importantly, he’s INTERRUPTING YOUR SEX LIFE AGAIN!!

AGES 11 TO 18 YEARS OLD:

The teenage years. You would think by this age they’d be mature enough to spend time on their own, and leave you to have more chances of getting sex. Heck, you would think that by this age, the kid would be too embarrassed by his elders to even WANT them hanging around in the background!

Small problem, though: teenagers are morons. They are constantly trying to prove how independent they are from their parents, which is not necessarily a BAD thing. It’s just that some of the stuff they try to do – drugs, staying out late, hanging with the wrong crowd – is harmful to them.

Trying to explain to a teenager over and over again how what they are doing is stupid can DRAIN the energy you had stored up for sex. Between the yelling, fighting, hearing comments like “I HATE you, Mom/Dad!!” and the slamming of doors, a teenager can drastically dampen your flirtatious mood.

Now, instead of desiring sex, you have a new desire: to choke the shiznit out of your dumb-ass kid!

Some of this may sound a bit over-dramatic – after all, some people do have 5 or 6 kids, so they clearly find the time to have sex – but all the examples given CAN happen. And no, missing out on sex a few times here and there isn’t the WORST thing in the world…

…but it IS one of the most annoying. And frankly, when I’m in the mood for some good ol’ fashion, no-holds-barred, wrestling with your partner in the sack ’til you both reach ecstasy sex…

I do NOT want that feeling interrupted by a crying baby, a scared child, a rambunctious lil’ pre-teen or a pubescent arguing teen!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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