Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #41: A Sex Life Derailed, Part 2 – Gratification, Delayed… (for God Knows HOW Long?!?)

June 2, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: Tracey Cox, host of the iVillage segment “Love Bytes,” explains why women may not have as much of a sex drive immediately following the birth of their child.  Great – you mean I have to wait for sex AND deal with crankiness from TWO people?? Oh boy!

Being the single guy I am, there have been periods in my life where I had to wait for sex.  Days, weeks, months, years, etc. can go by in a single person’s life without so much as a gentle breeze touching their nether-regions. 

Therefore, when a single person finally DOES get sex, the idea of having to give up such a fun activity for any long stretch of time can be a nightmare.

Well, guess what? If you’re a person who decides they want to have children, say “adios!” to your sex life right after the kid arrives!  That’s right, you can pack your former sex life in a suitcase and say “sayonara,” ’cause it’s NEVER coming back!

Ha ha ha, okay, I’m being a little dramatic here.  The truth is, once a woman pushes out that little bundle of torture (read: I don’t call it “joy” because I don’t want one in the first place), her vajay-jay- now the size of the Grand Canyon – isn’t supposed to have a wee-wee man in it for at least 6 weeks.

At LEAST six weeks. SIX WEEKS!

This gives the vagina time to shrink back down to it’s “regular” size… but that doesn’t always happen.  Think about it: this thing’s been stretching out for NINE months, and you think it’ll return back completely to the way it was?


There’s always a chance that it gets smaller, but not as tight as it once was.  Birthing can cause certain nerves and sensations to no longer be there, meaning that what once made her moan at the lightest touch down there… now has to be punched into submission before she’ll even whimper!

There’s also a good chance a woman may lose her sex drive – and it’s not hard to see why.  Her body’s just been through a war with itself, and she’s got stretch marks, sensitive breasts, and, possibly, a ripped/stitched-up vagina.  Clearly, she may not be feeling sexy about herself.

Add to that the newly formed hours of “sleep” she’s not getting as a result of late-night feedings, constant crying, and fearing that her newborn may end up dead as a result of “crib death” (i.e. when a baby suffocates due to angling itself the wrong way in its crib), and you’ve got a mom that’s tired, on the edge, and so focused on dealing with baby, she forgets how to make you OR herself feel good!

And don’t think that she’ll necessarily be ready to get the sex going as soon as the doctor gives her the go-ahead.  Oh no – you may find yourself having to make her feel comfortable enough with herself to want to even HAVE sex with you again! 

Isn’t that what DATING was for???

With all these new variables, it’s anyone’s guess how long it will be before you get sex again.  All because you both thought it would be a GREAT idea to have a kid. 

Well, thanks, but NO thanks – as long as I waited to have sex, the LAST thing I’m trying to do is create something that’ll force me to delay it again!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.


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