Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Entries from June 2008

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #62: School Daze, Part 2 – Parent-Teacher Conferences are TORTURE!!

June 30, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A video example of a BAD teacher conference.  Hilarious!!

(Note: In this 5-part series, I will be discussing the various reasons why having to deal with putting my kids through school makes me NOT want to have them.  Feel free to share with your friends, and add any commentary you might have!)

As a kid, nothing brought more fear into my brain than hearing that my parents were off to my school for a parent-teacher conference.  I didn’t get grades that were TOO bad, but I was always nervous that they’d come back and be ready to ground me indefinitely for… well, for whatever it is my teacher may have said about me that was negative.

Looking back, though, I can imagine that it was probably even MORE of an unjoyful experience for my parents.  And, now that I’m out of school, it’s an experience I’d like to NEVER go through!

Why, you ask?  Parent-teacher conferences are nothing more than meetings where the parents end up being judged – “graded,” if you will – on how well they’re raising their kids.  Teachers might not directly say if you’re doing a good or bad job, but you can tell by the conversation how the teacher REALLY feels about the job you’re doing at home.

For example: If a teacher says, “I think Susie is doing a great job communicating her thoughts in the classroom,” what s/he’s REALLY saying is:

“You two (or one) are doing a GREAT job helping your kid feel comfortable about expressing their ideas at home – good for you!  You deserve a gold star sticker!”

BUT… if the teacher says, “Little Susie isn’t participating in the classroom discussions,” what s/he’s REALLY saying is:

“You are the WORST parents in the world – what, are you so busy telling your child what to do that you don’t let her throw in her own ideas at home?!? You have her so scared to talk that she won’t open up!  Boo, parents, boo – you don’t get a gold anything!!”

Okay, so maybe the teachers aren’t thinking these thoughts.  But parents take any criticisms about their kids performance in just about ANYTHING like a personal attack on their parenting.  And how could they NOT feel that way?  Logically, if I have a kid that’s not doing something right in school, it means there’s something I didn’t catch wind of that should have had more attention paid to it.

On the other hand, dealing with some teachers can be downright torturous to talk to.  You have the professors that think they know it all, and seem shocked when a parent brings up a concern their child had about the teacher’s learning technique.  Question them, and you have a parent-teacher conference that feels more like a rectal exam: full of tension, very unpleasant, and not over fast enough!

Then, you have the teachers who are the “negative ninnies” of the bunch, i.e. the ones who grade the hardest and have never seen the letter “A” in their life.  Go into a conference with them, and you’ll hear so many bad things about your kid’s academic performance, you’d think they were the most retarded kid in class.  Too bad the teacher doesn’t tell you that she NEVER gives out A’s, hates her job, and grades unfairly to get back at “the man” for making her become a teacher in the first place!

I didn’t like dealing with teachers as a student, and I’m DARN sure I don’t want to have to deal with teachers again via parent-teacher conferences.  And the only way to avoid them? By NEVER having kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #61: School Daze, Part 1 – Curriculum Set-Up Not Worth Sending Kids to School

June 29, 2008 · No Comments

(Note: In this 5-part series, I will be discussing the various reasons why having to deal with putting my kids through school makes me NOT want to have them.  Feel free to share with your friends, and add any commentary you might have!)

I was blessed enough to be born with an abstract mind.  For those of you who don’t know what that means, it’s a shorter way of saying that I was able to catch onto different concepts and theories in school faster than most of my peers.  I was able to do certain math problems at age 12 that most of my peers wouldn’t even understand until age 14. 

Because of this so-called “gift,” I was able to be in all the honors classes with other “smart” kids, while our “dumb” friends took “regular” classes.

One of these “regular” students was my younger brother.  While he wasn’t as quick as me in figuring out the subjects they taught us in school, he was – and still is – very gifted at talking to and being around people, a skill which, to this day, is no where near as good as his is.  Because he was nice and very well-liked, he was able to do things like turn in papers with extreme grammatical errors and get A’s and B’s.  Even though the teachers knew he was turning in crap, they let him get away with it, partially because he was nice…

…and partially because the school curriculum really only had one purpose: to make sure the students knew enough stuff to be able to pass the standardized test forced upon them by the County each year so they could push them into the next grade, regardless of if they really had full grasp of what they just learned.

All this came to a head for my brother when, upon entering his 9th grade year, our Mom decided to move us to a college prep school.  Imagine his surprise and heartache when, upon completing his first English paper for the year, his teacher told him and my Mom that my brother had the reading and comprehension skills of a 6th grader!

And why, you ask? Because all those years of being pushed through the public school system had only raised his status a grade higher, but not his actual ability to comprehend and properly use what he “learned”!

When people decide to have kids, they will have to, at some point, send them to a school.  I, however, do not feel the current way that school is set up is really beneficial to children.  Here’s why:

1. SCHOOLS “TEACH” IN A LIMITED WAY.

The only way schools teach is by what I call the “sit, shut up and write down” method.  The kid is told to sit at a desk, not talk, and write down whatever the teacher says is important.

Unfortunately, each child is different, and may need to use a different way of learning to really grasp a concept.  Some people learn better when using music or art; others, like me, learn better when being in a full discussion with others.  Yet and still, other children may need to equate what the teacher is talking about with something they can feel or touch.

The problem is, there is currently only ONE way in which most teachers teach.  Your kid’s math teacher may not care that Little Johnny has to be able to put his math problems into song before he can understand it – she’ll just assume he’s slow and give him an F!

2. SCHOOLS “TEACH” TOWARDS “THE TEST.”

Schools are a business, and as such this business only cares about one thing: it’s survival. 

Part of that survival usually involves passing a standardized test that is used as a meter to determine if a school is teaching all of its kids certain subjects in a satisfactory manner.  Doesn’t sound so bad at first… until you realize that this leaves teachers stuck not being able to spend a meaningful amount of time on a particular subject since she has to try and cover everything before test-time. 

That means if Little Amanda doesn’t grasp how to spell a set of words in time for the test, OH WELL, guess she’s out of luck!  After all, there’s no time to go back over it – the teacher still has to touch base lightly on other subjects, too!

3. SCHOOLS JUST WANT TO GET YOU OUT A.S.A.P.

Again, schools have to make money.  They can’t keep making money if they have the same students not passing the grades and staying there year after year because it makes them look like their teaching program is too poor for students to grasp.

This is especially true for public schools.  To make themselves look good, they may over-look certain things, like spelling mistakes on papers, incorrect historical facts in Social Studies, or even a misplaced positive/negative sign in math.  “It won’t matter if I let this one little mistake slide,” the teacher thinks to themself. 

However, it becomes a BIG deal when your kid has 7 teachers who ALL think that same thought – for all I know, my kid could get all the way to 12th grade and still not know how to spell its own name! 

4. SCHOOL IS ALL ABOUT CONFORMITY, NOT THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX.

As a creative person, I always had a problem with this aspect of school. 

Think about the various messages a school sends to a kid during the day:

  • They are told to sit in desk and not speak without permission (i.e. Don’t contribute unless asked)
  • They are told when to eat, speak, go to the bathroom, or play (i.e. You must be told when to do things before you can do them)
  • They are told what subjects to study – anything outside these subjects is considered “fooling around”
  • They are told to work alone, and punished if they ask for help (i.e. Don’t trust others to help, only rely on yourself)
  • They are punished when they do something they weren’t told to do.  I used to get punished because the work they gave me was so easy, I’d finish it up and go try to help others with it - but because the teacher didn’t SAY I could do it, I had to get sent home with a note for “disturbing the class!”
  • They are only given a limited amount of time to play (i.e. Work most of your life, and only play for short periods – I don’t know about you, but I’d rather play more than work!)
  • Grades are given based on what ONE person feels they should get (i.e. Even if a kid does their best, they can still be told “what you did just wasn’t good enough.”)
  • They are punished when they figure out how to do something differently from what the teacher said.  I used to solve math problems in class and get the answer right, yet STILL get points docked off because I didn’t find it in the way the teacher had wanted me to.  WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THAT?!?

5. SCHOOLS ONLY REWARD “BOOK” SMARTS

As I said before, I was really gifted in school to be able to grasp the concepts they were teaching us out of the textbooks.  Meanwhie, my brother may not have gotten textbook stuff as quickly, but when it came to relating to others, he should have received an “A+++!”

But did he? No.  Why?  Because “Being Personable” smarts wasn’t being taught in school, and therefore not rewarded.  Nor were “Streets” smarts, “Managing” money smarts, “Negotiating Your Way Into Opportunity” smarts… Nope, all the people with THOSE skills - the ones that are actually NECESSARY to have in the real world – were being overlooked in leiu of the kid who was able to get an “A” in his history class by re-reciting Lincoln’s Gettysburg address.

So, while the people who got good grades for having “book” smarts got a huge ego boost, people like my brother and others got their self-esteem crapped upon, making them feel like less of a student in the process simply because their skills never got the attention and respect they deserved!

Is it any wonder WHY I may not want to put a kid through what I consider a crappy school system??  Even if I didn’t send them to public school, some of these issues arise in private institutions as well.  Schools, in general, are limited by their inability to configure itself to different styles of learning, and is too bent on making everyone the “same” to reward individuality.

Unfortunately, were I to have a kid, I’m pretty sure I’d be legally obligated to have my kid go to some kind of schooling environment.  And frankly, my friends, I just can’t see myself sending a child into a system like that.  Which, of course, I won’t have to since I’m NEVER having them!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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A Bad Dream Involving a Grabby Kid + Funny Baby Picture Link!

June 28, 2008 · No Comments

I had a bad dream last night…

I was at someone’s house, and for some reason I had my laptop over there, along with some of my other expensive electronic equipment (recording microphone, TI-83 Calculator, etc.). It was all sitting on a table, and I was typing away on my laptop…

When, suddenly… HE appeared.

“He” was an 8-year old chubby lil’ kid, who liked to run recklessly around the house and grab at anything he thought he could get his hands on.

I tried to ignore him and type on my laptop, but even in my dreams I can’t seem to control what kids do.  The kid ran up to me and started trying to grab at my keyboard – and I was NOT going to have that happen.  I lunged over my laptop, protecting it with my arms as I yelled, “Do NOT touch it!  This stuff’s expensive!!”

Immediately, he ran around to try and touch my $200 microphone.  Again, I yelled, “I SAID do NOT touch my stuff!  This isn’t yours! Now, GO AWAY!”

Eventually, the kid left my sight for a while.  Then, another bad thing happened…

I had to go to the bathroom.

I didn’t want to leave all my stuff alone for fear that the chubby little rascal would come back and be all over it, but what could I do?  I rationalized that my stuff would be safe because the bathroom door was right next to where I was working (though I don’t know how that worked with the mechanics of the house’s architecture - guess that’s why it’s a dream!) and that I could open the door every so often to make sure my stuff was safe.

I ran into the bathroom, and set about trying to get in and out as quickly as possible.  5 minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom checking frantically to make sure my stuff was still in its spot…

…and sure enough: my microphone was missing!

Even worse, I couldn’t track down where the kid had gone – he was hiding somewhere in the house!  I began looking around for my microphone, and it took me about 20 minutes before I walked by a sofa in the house and discovered it peeking up from a crevice created by the sofa cusion and its backside.

Needless to say, I was thourougly annoyed.  Luckily, I woke up to discover all my items present and accounted for, and - even more luckily – NO kids around!

—–

In creating articles for this site, I do a LOT of research for videos and/or articles for inspiration.  Some of the things I run across are just downright funny.

And so it is with that said that I share this with you all today: it’s an article called “The 10 Amazingly Funny Baby Pictures You Would Never Want to Miss.”  It’s pictures of babies in funny poses – you can see the article by clicking HERE!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

 

Categories: Babies · Children · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #60: Car Trips w/Kids Suck Monkey Balls

June 26, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: Two kids in the back of the car, screaming their butts off while their parents are taking a long drive through France.  I can’t imagine putting up with 46 seconds of this, let alone 5 or 6 hours!

And now, the top 10 reasons riding in cars w/kids is NOT fun:

1. FREQUENT BATHROOM STOPS.

Kids have shorter bladders than adults do, and have to go to the bathroom in between shorter intervals.  This phenomenon is no more evident than when taking a car trip somewhere.  In the course of an hour-long drive, a kid may ask you to stop 2 to 3 times (sometimes more) to go to the bathroom. 

And, if you can’t get to a building with a bathroom or stop on the side of the road in time, a kid has no problem leaving his special wet-stain on YOUR car seat.  Oh, how wonderful!

2. RANDOM ANNOYING NOISES.

Depending on the age of the kids in the car, you will hear different noises coming from them, all of which are usually annoying.

If you have a newborn, you’ll hear a lot of crying and/or high-pitched squeals.  If your kids are in the 1-3 age range, you’ll probably just get a lot of random humming or unintelligible gibberish talk.

Kids 4 to 6 are the ones that are the most annoying.  Now that they have a vocabulary, they want to make all kinds of noise, including: singing TV show theme songs, asking their parents questions over and over again, or telling their parents about something they find interesting that the parents could really care about as much as swatting a dead fly!

3. DIAPER CHANGING.

I’ve said time and time again how annoying I find the whole diaper-changing thing to be.  However, nothing cuts off your driver timing – especially if you have to be somewhere at a specific time – than having to change a baby that just pooped on itself. 

Now, you have to get off the freeway, find a building that has a bathroom with a baby-changing station (not all establishments have them build in, though they should), grab the baby and manage to carry it AND the baby bag at the same time, wipe the baby down, change the kid’s diaper while it tries to struggle with you, avoid getting baby poop on yourself, go back to the car, spend 2 minutes getting the child back into the child seat…

…and then pray to God the kid can hold off from going again for the remaining 20 minutes it SHOULD take you to get there.  SCREW THAT!

4. “ARE WE THERE YET??” (aka No Concept of Time)

As an adult, I know ahead of time how long it will take me to drive someplace.    Kids, however, have no concept of time.  When I was little, my parents would tell me to sit in time-out for 10 minutes, but really only time it on the clock for 5.  Nevertheless, those “5 minutes” felt like 10 to me because I had no idea how long 10 minutes should feel like.

So, even if you tell kids how long it’ll take to get someplace, they will STILL get antsy, and start asking the question all parents HATE to hear from the back-seat:

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? ARE. WE. THERE. YET!???”

This question drives me CRAZY!!  If we haven’t pulled into a parking lot and stopped the car yet, WHY THE HECK WOULD THEY THINK WE WERE THERE YET?!?  These illogical thought processes make my blood pressure boil, people!!

5. FREQUENT FOOD STOPS.

Food stops are just as bad as bathroom stops.  If I’m about to take a 5 to 6 hour drive someplace, I usually only require one or two food stops, and I don’t eat much because it makes me fall asleep at the wheel when I do.

With kids, however, they have a tendency to be constantly hungry on road trips.  It’s not unheard of to have to stop once every hour to get food for these people, who will then proceed to junk up your car with ketchup finger stains, opened burger wrappers on the floor, and fry grease on your window.

Food stops also have the added “bonus” of being able to start fights in the car!  You may be in the mood for a burger, while your kids want Mexican food or pizza.  If you have two or more kids and they all want something different, this one decision about where to eat can cause for hurt feelings and LOTS of crying by at least one of the kids that aren’t getting their food choice!

6. FIGHTS IN THE CAR.

Like I said before, kids get antsy during long car trips.  They need to find ways to keep themselves occupied – unfortunately, though, if they don’t have a hand-held video game system or DVD set handy, they’ll usually resort to the next-best thing:

Trying to annoy the heck out of their sibling!

Pushing, shoving, calling names, hitting, tattle-telling – all of these things become fair game for the now oh-so-annoying backseat passengers.  It can get as bad as the siblings getting into a physical fight, which means you now have to stop the car and become a kid referee (see: Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #58: Being a Kid Referee Does NOT Appeal to Me)! 

Oh, if only kids could sit still! Which reminds me…

7. THEY CAN’T SIT STILL.

Kids hate sitting still in one place for more than 10 seconds, let alone for a 5-hour road trip.  Eventually, they’ll start moving their bodies in all types of ways just to get their bones moving.

A kid will bounce around in his seat, start kicking its legs around, squirm like its dancing in its seat, and many other types of movements that will probably make you ponder throwing your kid out the car! 

And, if their body gets too restless, they’ll eventually ask you if you can stop the car for a few minutes so they can get out and stretch.  Once again, your trip will be delayed because little Johnny needed time to run around in the middle of nowhere for some much-needed stretching.  Man up, you little punk!

8. YOU CAN’T PLAY ADULT MUSIC.

To be fair, you can actually play any type of music you want.  However, I grew up in a house where our parents didn’t like us owning music with cussing in it.  We got to listen to the artists we wanted, but we had to buy the edited versions of their music.

Now that I’m an adult, I listen to all types of music with bad language in it, yet I still feel like children shouldn’t be exposed to certain words that early in life.  Unfortunately, most of the songs I like now DO have these bad words in them. Were I to have children, about 74% of my music catalogue could not be played with children in the car.

And it would suck, because the most relaxing thing to me is being able to hit the highway for a long drive and jam out to the music I like.  Not so relaxing?  Having to hear “Hannah Montana” or the “Dora the Explorer” soundtrack simply because my 3-year old likes it and would cry if he couldn’t hear it at least 3 times during the drive!!

9. KIDS COMPLAIN TOO EASILY.

No matter how comfortable you try to make your kiddie passengers, they will, at some point, complain about SOMETHING during the trip.  A few examples:

  • “Mom, the air conditioning is too cold!”
  • “Dad, the air conditioning isn’t working!”
  • “Can somebody roll up/down a window?”
  • “This seat belt is hurting my shoulder!”
  • “The sun is hurting my eyes!”
  • “Do you know where you’re going, Dad?”
  • “When are we going to get home??”

How about, “When will you shut the heck up and stop complaining so I can enjoy the rest of this darn drive?!?”

10. THEY STILL WANT ATTENTION PAID TO THEM… EVEN WHILE YOU’RE STILL DRIVING.

Kids, at heart, are selfish people who feed off having attention paid to them.  This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if they didn’t expect to be paid attention to at inadaquate times – like, oh, I dunno, WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO DRIVE!

I’ve seen kids cry from the back seat of a car, simply because their parent wouldn’t take 15 seconds to look back at a silly face they were trying to show them.  Sorry, kid, but Mommy had to make sure she kept her eyes forward so the rest of her family wouldn’t die on the road!

So, there you have it! 10 reasons I HATE riding in cars with children.  Hopefully, I’ll never have to drive any children around, unless it’s my brother’s kids – and even then, I’m keeping muzzles in my trunk!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #59: Teen Pregnancy Affects the Parents’ Lives, Too

June 25, 2008 · No Comments

Above: Jamie Lynn Spears is confronted by reporters about her pregnancy.  The parts of Jamie and Britney are played by little kids – it’s cute AND hilarious!!

I was a virgin until I was 23.

I know that, to some of you, it may seem shocking that a guy could hold out on having sex for that long.  Not that the opportunity didn’t present itself before then – BELIEVE me, there were plenty of times where I had the opportunity to get physical with a woman, but would decide against it. 

Of course, these women wanted sex, so our dating could only go so far before they decided to move on to someone else who would give them the physical satisfaction they desired.

So, why did I turn down these offers, especially during my teenage years?  Part of it was that I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex.  The other part, though, was that I did not want to take any chances of me getting some girl pregnant and having kids before turning 20.  I knew back then (much like I know now) what a big effect having kids has on one’s life, and I didn’t want to bring that upon myself at an age where I knew I wasn’t ready to deal with it.

Most importantly, though, I also knew that having a baby would not just affect me, but also MY mom.  She considers her self blessed to have had two boys, but she definitely did NOT want any more children beyond that.  And at that age, I tried to do my best to see to it that the decisions that I made weren’t ones that would bring any major life alterations to the people around me, especially my Mom.

Unfortunately, not all teenagers think like this.  During these years when their hormones are raging and peer pressure can cause them to do just about anything, teens often make decisions do to certain stupid things on a whim without caring about how it will affect others. 

One of these areas includes sex.  A teen guy and girl may get horny enough to screw each other’s brains out, regardless of if they have taken protective measures to see to it that the girl doesn’t get pregnant.  Of course, when they’re horny, logic is the last thing that stays in their brain.  You’d be surprised how many teenage couples can convince themselves that the girl won’t get pregnant if they use the “rhythm method,” or if the guy pulls out just before he reaches orgasm.

(Incidentally, if there is a teenager reading this: even if you simply spill your “man-juice” on the outside of a girl’s “cup,” she can still get pregnant if she pushes it inside her – that “man-juice” stays potent up to 4 days.  Just be warned!)

So, let’s say I have a daughter, and she’s 16 and gets pregnant. I already consider having a kid to be like an 18-year jail sentence – and now I get news that my kid is having a kid?!?  And since she’d be under 18, I wouldn’t feel right throwing her out on the street and saying, “Good luck raising that thing on your own!”

No, I’d feel like, as my child, I’d have to help her out.  Which would mean that now, I’D have to help raise yet ANOTHER child for a few MORE years! 

And even though I’d be helping my child, I’d be upset and angry at the same time.  Questions like, “why the heck didn’t you use a condom or birth control??” or “Couldn’t you have waited until AFTER you got out of MY house to have a kid??”  would always be in my mind.  After all, it’s rarely on a parent’s agenda to help their kid raise a kid while their kid is stil in their teens.  Heck, most parents are trying to plan their Hawaiian Vacation celebration for when their kid finally turns 18 and ships off to college!

The idea that these celebratory plans would suddenly be stiffled by the re-emergence of baby cries, doctor visits, and part-time babysitting… well, it just doesn’t sit with me.  If I don’t want kids now, why the heck would I want to have to go through the cycle all over again just because a kid of mine wanted 5 minutes of pleasure in the back-seat of a Volkswagon?? 

Or any type of car, really – I just like Volkswagons :)

The point is, teen pregnancy is something that would effect not just my child’s life, but MY life as well.  I’ve seen a bunch of my younger girl cousins get pregnant before the age of 19, and it saddens me every time I think about how my 40 and 50-year old aunts and uncles have to go through the parenting cycle all over again simply because their daughters couldn’t keep their damn legs shut!

But guess what? It ain’t happening to ME, because… aw, heck, you already know why!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #58: Being a Kid Referee Does Not Appeal to Me

June 24, 2008 · 4 Comments

Above: A fat kid comes in the room and asks his brother what’s for dinner – and gets smacked for it.  The sounds he makes are annoying, but the video is hilarious!!

There was a 6-month period of my life where I lived with my Uncle and his two kids, aged 11 and 15.  Being that I was 23 at the time, I got to be like the “co-parent” of the house, watching after my younger cousins when my Uncle had to go out the house.  And, since he had a sales job, he was out of the house a LOT.

This gave me lots of time to see my cousins interact with each other, and… well, let’s just say, many of those interactions were NOT pretty.  Their age difference resulted in a lot of situations where the younger brother wanted to either hang out with or annoy the older sister, while the older sister wanted to be left alone and/or show her authority over the younger brother.

Consequently, they fought.  A LOT.  And me, being the older, more “mature” person in the house, was expected to break up these little incidents should they be on the verge of killing each other. 6 months of having to do this day in and day out was tiring, stressful, and NOT fun.

So, I can sit here today and type with complete absolution: being a kid referee does NOT appeal to me!

Having more than one kid means having to spend at least 18 years of your life breaking up kid fights, most of it over dumb stuff.  What kind of dumb stuff am I talking about?  Once again, here’s just a partial list, which includes:

  • Car seating (i.e. who sits in the front vs. the back)
  • Table seating
  • Living room seating
  • TV channels
  • Remote control handling
  • Who gets to sit in Mom’s/Dad’s lap
  • One sibling staring at the other one for too long
  • One sibling ignoring the other one for too long
  • Toys
  • Video games
  • What board game to play

Oh my gosh, I have to stop typing this list now.  There are so many stupid things I could type that kids start fights over, I’ll end up with carpel tunnel!  I’ve seen kids start fights over NOTHING, people – they don’t even NEED a reason to fight, other than “I just feel like it!”

When kids fight, the ideal end result for them is never resolution – no, the end result they hope for is, “I get my way, and this person accepts it or dies!”  And since both sides want to have their way, their fights could, in theory, go on and on indefinitely, were it not for somebody breaking up their fight.

Enter: the parent.

Adults love watching a good fight, yet they know that, as responsible parents, they have to do what is right in the interest of their kids health – in this case, making sure neither of them kills the other one (though I say, if they do kill each other, is there anything REALLY wrong with that??).  They have to somehow wiggle themselves in between their children, who, by now, may have each other in headlocks, and force them apart.

You would think it would be easy for an adult over 5 feet to stop some 3-foot lil’ rugrats from fighting.  FAR FROM IT.  Kids don’t fight fair – they scratch, they bite, they squirm around, the swing their limbs wildly, all in the hopes of being able to break loose from their parents and continue their fight against their sibling.

And I, for one, am not the type of guy that even likes getting into fights, much less being bruised up while trying to stop one.  If kids were able to better rationalize and negotiate for what they want rather than fighting for it, I could see how having one might not be so bothersome. 

But, as with everything else, kids have to be taught how to talk out their problems, and the time (i.e. YEARS) I spend teaching them to do that, I could just as easily be spending time with my girlfriend/wife doing something more enjoyable, without having to worry about whether or not the two lil’ morons I created will break out into a fight over who gets to turn the AC on in my car!!

-A.P. Taylor

(Note: This blog was inspired, in part, by a blog I read on this site called “How Do You Do It?” by the mother of twins.  I encourage you to read her article, “They Played Independently, So I Should Be Happy, Right? Right?”, by clicking HERE so you’ll get a better understanding of what I do NOT want to deal with!)

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #57: Kids Are Too Easily Scared

June 23, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: Parents scare their children, who had seen a scary movie earlier that night.  Extremely hilarious!!

Playing the part of “protector” is a very vital role in the job description of being a parent.  If something harmful comes along that could threaten the life of a couple’s children, the adults present are supposed to be there to see that kids remain safe.

Adults are usually aware of what is and is not going to hurt their children.  After all, they’ve been on Earth for quite some time, and by the time they get older, one assumes that most adults can use adequate rational to tell when something is hurtful, or poses no real threat.

Unfortunately, children are newcomers to this planet and do not know this.  Consequently, almost everything they experience for the first time is new, unfamiliar… and downright scary!

And frankly, dealing with a bunch of scaredy cats is downright annoying!!

It’s not that I don’t have the “protector” gene in me.  I was the older sibling in my family, meaning there were times I had to look after my younger brother to make sure he didn’t do something to kill himself when our parents weren’t around.

No, the problem I have is that kids can be scared of so many things out there, most of which are downright silly, and I don’t feel like taking time out of my day to try and explain to them why they have no reason to be scared. 

What’s that you say?  What “silly” things am I talking about?  Here’s just a short list of things kids get scared over that are stupid as heck:

  • The “Chuck E. Cheese” mouse (this was my brother’s fear at age 2 – sorry for calling you out, bro!)
  • Clowns (really? Make-up and a big smile make a kid cry??)
  • Santa Claus (He hasn’t been on “To Catch a Predator” yet, so why the screaming??)
  • The sound the train makes against the tracks when it’s running (I see this all the time in Atlanta)
  • Touching lukewarm water
  • Grandma (Though, to be fair, old people make-up can be kind of scary)
  • Being hugged by a stranger – and by stranger, I mean relative they’ve never met before, even though you’ve told them hundreds of times that they are okay to be around
  • Hamsters
  • Casper the Friendly Ghost (Oh, so just because the word “ghost” is in his name, the kid has to be scared??)

The problem is, while adults can rationalize the world enough to wear less things scare them, kids don’t have that rational sense developed in them all the way when they’re young.  So, anything that appears like it MIGHT be harmless, in their minds, can COMPLETELY DESTROY THEM AND ALL THEY CARE FOR!

This is why kids freak out so hard when they have nightmares.  I don’t have scary dreams much anymore, but when I do, I’ll get up, realize it was just a bad dream, and go back to sleep. 

But what about kids?  They wake up, scream, cry, wet the bed, run around the house, and eventually end up waking Mommy and Daddy up from their deep sleep – the one they need all 8 hours of to function properly at work the next day – so that they can be comforted back to sleep, IF they can even get back to sleep in the first place!

Even if a kid knows how easily scared it is, they will still try and test the boundaries of their fear by purposefully doing stuff that scares them.  For example, a young boy might know that watching scary movies will give him nightmares… yet, if ”Nightmare on Elm Street” comes on TV, he’ll be the first one begging his parents to see it, and will cry ad nausea if they don’t let him. 

Now, the parents have to decide which unpleasantness they’ll want to deal with: the kid’s crying and screaming for not getting his way, or the kid’s crying and screaming later on when he’s having bad dreams as a result of watching the movie.  Either way, the parents are sure of one thing: crying and screaming is definitely on the menu for the evening!

Luckily for me, I don’t ever plan on having to even SEE that menu in the first place, ’cause I won’t have any scared little brats running around!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #56: They Don’t Bring Me “Joy” (a.k.a. Response to a Comment)

June 22, 2008 · 2 Comments

I have a wide audience of people who read the blogs on this site on a regular basis, ranging from those who, like me, never want kids, to parents who can relate to and/or understand the reasons I may not want kids (seeing as they’ve experienced some of these not-so-pleasant-to-have-children moments first-hand).

There are also some people who make comments about some of my blogs.  Most of the comments so far have been pretty positive.  However, I recently received a comment about my last blog that was rather sarcastic in nature. 

The blog, entitled Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #55: They Make Me Sick… Literally, talked about me not having a desire to get sick as a result of being around kids’ germs.  They spread their little mitts on everything and then want to run up and touch you and… well, it grosses me out.

Anyway, when I checked back to the site a few hours later, I saw this comment under the post: 

“Uh, yeah. So you have to wipe a nose once in a while and change a diaper. There’s this thing called “joy” and “love” that you get in return. Go ahead and stick to your pledge. My DNA wins.”

This is just an example of the types of responses us people who have no desire to have kids have to hear all the time.  People assume that just because they feel certain emotions when kids are around, that others should feel the same way.

Allow me to respond to this particular comment:

First of all, it’s not the wiping of the nose or the changing of the diapers itself that is the problem.  It’s the fact that snot and feces spread GERMS, and, again, I don’t feel like dealing with it.

Second, kids become even MORE annoying when they’re sick.  Extra crying, more stuff pouring out of orifices, whining, complaining, and a HUGE bias against getting any shots that will cure them of their illness.

But, more importantly, I just want to shoot down this whole idea that kids bring feelings of “joy” and love to all people.  As much as a person who WANTS kids may feel these emotions, people who don’t want kids could give a flying rat’s behind about having them around, lest they bring about emotions of MISERY, PAIN, and RESENTMENT.

There was a show on FOX last year called “Standoff,” about two crisis negotiators who tried to talk hostages into letting their captives go.  There was one particular episode where this elder teenager held up a bank and wouldn’t come out.  In talking to the young man, the negotiators discovered he never had the close connection with his Mom that he wanted as a child.  He couldn’t understand why, despite everything he did – getting straight A’s, joining and excelling at various clubs and activities, his Mom never seemed to care.

The negotiators track the parents down, and the mother writes something on a piece of paper for her to read to her son.  “I think it’s time he hears this,” she told them.  And what was it she wrote on that piece of paper?

“I’m sorry, son – I never wanted children.” 

Upon hearing this, the kid breaks down, and comes out the bank.  The end.

Now, why did I bring up this particular episode?  Because: JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS A KID, DOESN’T MEAN IT’S GOING TO BRING THEM JOY IF THEY DIDN’T WANT KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

I could have a kid, and he or she be the absolute most perfect child, and there’s STILL a chance I’d be friggin’ upset for having it in the first place! 

Besides, parents-to-be get too hyped up on that “I’ll have something around that’s going to love ME and bring joy into my life!!”  But uh, golly gee… shouldn’t you strive to have that BEFORE having a kid??  People shouldn’t rely on any body else – be it a wife, husband or baby – to suddenly bring their life meaning and happiness.  Those types of people are in for a rude awakening.

What if you have a kid and they decide to rebel against you for 17 of their 18 years growing up?  All the fights, clashes of ideals, trouble-making – is any of THAT going to be bringing this “joy” the commenting person speaks of??

What if your kid decides to do drugs or follow the wrong crowd?  Will those days, weeks, and months of struggling to convince them to do otherwise going to make you think, “gee, this kid sure is bringing a lot of joy into MY life right now?!?”

You see, unlike this narrow-minded person here, I understand that kids can bring both joy AND pain.  I understand that, to some people, having a baby just makes their entire life light up, and that nothing would make them happier than to have 5 or 6 mini-thems running around their house.

But what he, along with other people, need to understand, is that not all people are like them.  I don’t get all excited about the prospect of late-night feedings, taking kids to camp, vacationing with kids around, having them misbehave in public – NONE OF THAT APPEALS TO ME.  And just because I don’t like them around, doesn’t mean my DNA is more screwed up – if that’s the case, there are LOTS of people walking around with bad DNA…

…but chances are, we’re a lot happier not having to share that DNA with an annoying rugrat!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #55: They Make Me Sick… Literally

June 21, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: A pregnant mom is in bed, and her growing fetus has made her feel ill. Just wait ’til it pops out the oven, lady!

My mom used to volunteer part-time as a Day Care Center helper back when my brother and I were going to one after school. She enjoys being around kids (unlike me), and was always very good at coming up with activities for children to do that were both fun and distracting from doing dumb stuff.

However, I noticed a pattern that would happen quite often: she would work at the day care for a few days, then would be at home sick for 3 or 4 days. Once she got better she would go back to the day care for a few more days, only to end up sick again a week later.

I didn’t understand this at the time – I just thought it was flu season year ’round for her – but as I got older, I realised why she got sick:

KIDS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN LITTLE GERM SPREADERS OUT TO DESTROY US ALL!!

Oh sure, they may SEEM like cute lil’ bite-sized versions of REAL people who just want love and affection, but DO NOT BE FOOLED – they’re secretly out to terminate the current population of adults with their cooties so they can, in the words of “Pinky and the Brain,” try and take over the world!

It starts back in the womb: the woman gets pregnant and starts throwing up all over the place. Then, she gets random bouts of sickness, as if the growing fetus inside her is already trying to figure out ways to get rid of her. When my mom was pregnant with my brother, she was sick CONSTANTLY, and, upon his birth, became allergic and/or sick from things she hadn’t been affected by before.

Coincidence?? I think not!

Once the kid is born, their exposure to a new environment causes them to catch colds easily. Their body becomes a river full of diverse liquids – crying eyes, snotty nose, puss, drool, oddly-colored urine – and guess who has to try and plug up all this drainage?

That’s right – YOU do!

And since these things also carry germs, it’s no surprise why most parents get sick immediately after handling their ill child!

Oh, but it gets BETTER! Even if a kid is NOT sick, they can still bring things into your house that cause germs to grow. Kids are notorious for not washing their hands. This wouldn’t be a problem, except they use those same hands to:

  • Go to the bathroom
  • Wipe their nose
  • Sneeze-guard their “a-choo’s”
  • Grab dirt/mud
  • Wipe their butts
  • Put their fingers in their mouth
  • Run it through their hair
  • Grab onto railings
  • Climb trees
  • Finger paint
  • Take the gum off their shoe
  • Play with bugs/other small animals
  • Pet a dog/cat
  • Swap items with other kids (Nintendo Controllers, game set pieces, etc.)
  • Lick various foods and flavors off their fingers (ice cream, popscicle drippings, cookie dough)

They do all this stuff without remembering to wash their hands… but as soon as they see Mommy and Daddy, they want to be all grabby, thereby passing their germs onto YOU!

I’ve experienced this myself before. I’ve gone and seen cousins who got sick while I was visiting, only to end up getting home and finding myself bed-ridden for a week!

I also had my fair share of sickness when I was little. Between my tonsils being malfunctioned and my lactose intolerance problem, I’ve already experienced more sickness than most people do in a lifetime. The LAST thing I need is to create something that will be nothing more than a living, breathing trap for germs that can be transferred BACK to me!

HA HA HA, you non-existing kid, you – you may get others, but your germs’ll never take ME out!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com. If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #54: If They Keep Hitting Me, I’ll Have to Kill Them

June 19, 2008 · 2 Comments

Above: A toddler with a mallet hits everything in sight… including the mother filming the video.  Hilarious, but I’m glad it’s not me!

As one of the older members in the current generation of my family, I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with a LOT of younger cousins/siblings and their little friends.  If there’s one thing I’ve noticed time and time again, its that all of them, when they were very young, went through a phase known as “The Hitting Stage.”

This is just one of the many annoying phases kids go through when growing up – annoying, that is, to the people around them who have to deal with it.  This particular phase is when the child, who still hasn’t completely developed a way to verbally state their dislike of something, will show off their negative feelings by hitting anyone in site!

And I’ve been on the end of some nasty hits over the years.  For example, if a young kid asked me if they could see my camera and I told them “no” because I didn’t want them to break it (see: Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #53: They Break Stuff), they start slapping me repeatedly in the hopes that I’ll cave in and let them hold it.

Sometimes, a kid won’t even be mad at you, but will instead use hitting as a way of trying to play.  I don’t understand where they get the idea that people like being hit for fun… but wherever they got it from, that place needs to be put out of business!  There have been too many kids out there trying to have fun with me by trying to chase me around and hit me, and I can’t stand it!

Even if you try to be serious with the kid and tell them to stop hitting you… well, 9 times out of 10, they won’t get it right away.  In my case, I’ve put on the serious face and said, “look, STOP hitting me!”, even going so far as to threaten to hit them back.  And yes, I have had to hit a few of my cousins back before… not that it stopped them from hitting me.  They would just go away, come back later when they thought I was in a better mood, and slap me again!!

Kids oftentimes don’t know the own strength of their hits, so it’s not like they’re giving out soft love-taps.  Oh no – these slaps can leave welts, bruises, nail scratchings, markings, and more!  And if a kid isn’t trying to hit you with their bare hands, they’ll even pick up objects to throw at you or hit you with! Toys, mallets, cell phones, remote controls, food – all of these simple everyday items can become a weapon when placed in the hands of young children!

Now, some person may read this and say, “But Mr. Taylor, all you have to do is teach the child not to hit when they want something, and they’ll eventually stop doing it.”

And maybe that’s true – but again, its the idea that I’d even have to deal with it in the first place that makes me NOT want to have children!  Yes, you can teach a kid to respect adults and others around them by not hitting, but it’s not like it will happen overnight.  It can take a kid YEARS before it finally clicks that maybe, just maybe, they shouldn’t be doing something like hitting other people, lest they end up on the receiving side of some harsh hitting themselves!

So, what’s the choice – a life filled with slappy children or a life filled with NO children?  I’ll take the latter, please!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story may be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #53: They Break Stuff

June 18, 2008 · 3 Comments

Above: A kid breaks a $600 plasma television while playing bowling on Nintendo Wii.  There goes that plane ticket to the islands, Mom and Dad!

Kids are clumsy, and they break stuff.  ‘Nuff said.

-A.P. Taylor

 

 

 

 

What, you were expecting me to type MORE in this entry? Okay, fine…

Not that this idea really needs much expanding.  Kids’ brains are at a much lower intelligence level than an adult brain, which affects just about everything they do, including (a) what they think is smart vs. dumb, and (b) how coordinated they are.

And who gets to suffer the consequences of these lil’ underdeveloped brains?  ADULTS, that’s who! 

How do we suffer?  When a kid decides he wants to fool around with something that’s not theirs – i.e. is probably YOURS – and breaks it!

Young kids are especially notorious for grabbing any object they see and somehow dismantling it to bits.  You know that universal control you wanted to buy that can operate every single electronic function you have in your house?  Imagine how great you’ll feel when you come home from work one day, only to have your wife tell you that the baby decided to use it as fishing bait… for your toilet!

Oh, wait, that’s right – YOU WON’T FEEL GREAT AT ALL!  If anything, you’ll probably feel like strangling the kid!!

Yes, having a kid means you’ll now have to be on guard for just about EVERY SINGLE THING YOU OWN that either has significant meaning to you or would cost too much money to replace.  DVD players, TVs, vacuum cleaners, fine China – all of these things seem to give signals to young kids that say, “Your parents LOVE this thing – please come over here and break me right away!”

The sad part is, because most kids don’t have a money guage to tell the what’s expensive or what’s not, they can never seem to figure out why the thing they just broke is causing you to become so angry! A kid doesn’t understand why Daddy got so upset just because he decided to key the words “I love you” into the new $1000 paint job on his car!  An infant can’t figure out why throwing Mommy’s new iPhone on the ground and smashing it to pieces has placed her on punishment! “Geez,” they think to themselves, “can’t they just get it fixed?!?”

Kids also have the worst coordination in the world.  Their bodies are constantly changing in height and weight, meaning they have to constantly re-figure out how to balance themselves.  Unfortunately, it also means they fall and trip a LOT, and – if you’re lucky – you just might find them accidentally crashing themselves into your favorite (insert item here) and completely destroying it!

And this is just if they get near YOUR stuff – they’re just as capable of breaking their stuff, too!  I can’t even begin to remember how many times my parents had to re-buy my brother and I Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys as a result of them getting broken, lost, worn out, or having body parts missing.  They probably spent dang near $200 just replacing those toys!

All the money I’d be spending to replace broken items, or having to fix something as a result of my dumb-ass kid being ignorant of what NOT to touch, is money that I could be spending on myself, or taking my girlfriend/wife out someplace, or going on vacation… and the list goes on and on.  If I wanted to have something around that was constantly out to destroy everything I owned, I’d save time and buy a bulldozer instead!

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #52: Resenting the Child for Existing

June 17, 2008 · 3 Comments

This past weekend was father’s day, where millions of mothers and children give thanks to the Dads who do so much to take care of them.  Well, at least the ones who decide to stick around.

The day after father’s day, I was talking to one of my co-workers, a single mother who has a 3-year old son.  She was telling me that her son had wanted to see his father that day, but that the father, being the out-of-work lazy bum that he is, didn’t feel like being bothered. 

This wasn’t the first time this has happened with them before.  During my time at the job, this same mother has told me all about her struggles with getting the father to spend time with their child.  He doesn’t pay child support, rarely tries to see his son, and doesn’t really seem interested in the kid’s existence in the first place.

Some people might look at this situation and ponder why this man, like millions of other absentee fathers (or mothers – these things do go both ways), wouldn’t try to spend time with a being they themselves helped create.  I, however, don’t wonder at all, because I already know the answer:

These absentee parents… NEVER WANTED TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

Oh sure, they may not have ever told anyone they didn’t want children.  After all, most people in our society would balk at the idea that someone wouldn’t want to create a mini-version of themselves to boss around (BELIEVE me, I get it all the time).  Therefore, these people may end up having children only because they feel they have to.

However, their lack of desire for children becomes very clear when, upon their introduction to the world, the parent-in-question goes from appearing joyful at the baby’s arrival, to distant and cold, to, in many cases, not being around at all for the child!

And I’ve seen the devestating negative effects on children resulting from them knowing that one of their parents doesn’t really want them around.  Behavioral problems, acting out in school, feeling suicidal – all of these conditions can arrise simply because the child knows that one (or two) of the most influential people in their lives don’t seem to want them around.

Part of the reason I started this site is because I used to do blogs on MySpace from time to time about annoying things I’d see kids doing in public, and one of my friends used to complain about my lack of a desire for kids.  She’d ask me how I could not want to have kids, or why I didn’t at least consider having ONE kid.

And my answer to her was simple: I know myself enough to know what I do and do not like, and I know that one of the things that annoys me to the core of my being is being around children for long periods of time.  Therefore, I knew that, were I to have one, there’d be a good chance I’d resent the child for holding me back in some kind of way, regardless of if it was or not.  I also knew how annoying it would be to me to have to deal with the huge work load that having kids brings with it.

Now, could my feelings about wanting kids around change if I accidentally had one?  Well, anything is possible.  But there’s also a chance I’d still have the same feelings of not really wanting the kid, to the point that I, too, could be like, “Why should I stay around, when I could go out and do my own thing?”  It may sound heartless, and I don’t think I’d ever actually abandon something I brought into the world…

…but that possibility – that idea that, even if I stuck around, my feelings of resentment could still be felt by that child and mess up his or her psyche – is more than enough reason for me NOT to have kids.  I’d rather not have them and be at peace with myself, than to be like all those people out there who physically or emotionally abandoned children they didn’t want in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #51: Kids w/Crappy Names Annoy the $#!+ Outta Me.. and Mine Could Have One!!

June 16, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: Stand-up comedian Finesse Mitchell talking about his short time as a substitute teacher, and how it took him 30 minutes to do roll call.  Funny!

Some people just shouldn’t be able to have children, especially those that have no common sense when it comes to naming them!

I watch shows like “Entertainment Tonight” and “Extra” where the focus is on celebrity life, with one of the aspects often focusing on a famous person’s pregnancy and/or recent child birth, and it amazes me how many of them end up giving their kids terrible names.  (Really, Gwyneth, you thought “Apple” was a good name for your daughter?!?)

But it’s not just celebrities that have followed the fad of giving children funny-sounding names.  There’s a book out called “Bad Baby Names,” and Michael Sherrod, one of the co-authors who was interviewed a few months ago on “The Today Show,” pointed out that people have been doing this as far back as the 1790s (I’m sure it’s been much longer, though they may have been too embarassing to be documented).

Part of the reason people do this is because they want their child to be seen as “different” from other people (in the sense that they believe their baby should stand out above all others).  Therefore, naming their kid something like “Kamikaze” will definitely give their baby a name that will draw more focus than the other kids with so-called “normal” names like Steve or Michael.

And why do I say “so-called normal?”  Well, that’s another reason kids get bad names – everybody’s idea of “normal” is different, and what may seem like a regular name to one person may seem like a “what the f–k is this person thinking” name to someone else!

For example: in badly-developed neighborhoods that are lacking in funds (a long, drawn out version of saying “the ghetto”), it’s not uncommon for a person to name their baby something the parents wish they could afford.  Thus, the explanation for names like “Lexus,” “Mercedes,” or “Diamond.”  These names may seem quite absurd to people outside these neighborhoods, but they’re quite common in low-income areas.  (They’re also great stripper names, so there’s always a chance they could end up making more money than their parents did should they decide to get into that profession.)

As for people in rich areas… well, I have no idea why they’d decide to “bless” their child with an embarrassing name.  Really, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, you gave your kid the name “Scout”??? Is this a dog or a kid we’re talking about?!?

Were I to have children, I couldn’t even begin to imagine giving my kid a name that would give them any problems in the future, whether it be getting teased on the playground or being passed over for a job.  Aw, you mean to tell me that lil’ “Raper Taylor” couldn’t get a job as a sex therapist?!?

Life is already hard enough for a kid as it is – they get teased, made fun of, and have opinions made about them.  Having a name bestowed upon them just because their parents were feeling creative that day can cause serious emotional and psychological problems, and I’m not trying to do that to anybody, especially a kid of my own.

I know what you’re probably thinking: “OK, then, why not just give the kid a NORMAL name??” 

And the answer is, I have no problem with that.  However, unless you’re adopting, naming a baby is usually the decision of TWO people, not one.  I could fall in love with and get married to a girl who has a perfectly normal name, thinking that we’d name our kid something I consider normal (i.e. Samantha, Peter, David, Mary, etc.)…

…only to find out that my wife, upon delivering the baby, really likes the way “Phoneshia” sounds!!  And if there’s one thing I know about women, it’s that they usually have baby names picked out as far back as 5 years old, and stomping on their dreams of using that name can cause for a whole LOT of hurt later!!

So, thanks but no thanks, I’m not even trying to get into THAT fight of naming a baby.  I’ll just settle for NOT having them in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #50: Too Many Parents Look Stressed Out

June 14, 2008 · 3 Comments

Above: A mother penquin with 3 young’uns.  And she looks stressed.

People who already have kids do a very BAD job of advertising the benefits of having them.

Oh sure, they’ll come to me and say stuff like, “They’re a joy to have in your life, and once you have them you’ll never understand how you lived without them.” Or: “They’re more precious than life itself!”

But I don’t go by what I HEAR, I go by what I see.  And, frankly, too many adults out there have let the hard work of parenting show on their person.  And it definitely isn’t something that looks too much fun.

In the course of a single day, I can walk around this city and see parents and children out together.  And what sights do I see?

  • The mother struggling to get her baby to quiet down
  • The father on the train with his two kids who are jumping around
  • Parents waiting in line somewhere while they’re kids run around like idiots
  • A teenager yelling at their Mom for no apparent reason
  • A parent breaking up a fight between two siblings
  • A kid crying because Daddy won’t buy them that toy/candy/moronic thing they want

The list goes on and on and on.  And in all these situations, the parents… well, they’re definitely NOT wearing joyful smiles on their faces.

No, the looks they have instead are:

  • Stress
  • Fatigue
  • Frowns
  • Droopy eyes
  • The “I just finished running a marathon and I’m about to collapse” Look
  • Wrinkles
  • Grey Hairs
  • Various bruises

Parents also seem to always have this “on the edge” demeanor about them.  Kids can go from being perfectly behaved to “bat-$#!+ crazy” in less than 0.5 seconds, and a parent always has to be ready to react to a child’s sudden meltdown.  Consequently, they never look like they’re completely at peace.  If you thought soldiers coming back from war had a hard time feeling at ease, try being the parent of 2 siblings who spent 5 days trying to kill each other, and see how “at ease” you feel about how they’ll treat each other on the sixth day!

With all these down-trodden looks I’m constantly seeing being worn by adults with children, is it any wonder that they can’t convince me with their words about how GREAT it is to have them?  Life is already stressful enough, and frankly, I’d rather not add to it!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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WHy I’m NEVER Having Kids #49: Viewing Slutty Behavior from Young Girls Is Disturbing

June 12, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: A toddler shaking her booty to Beyonce’s “Check Up on It.”  NOTE: I did NOT actively seek this clip out – I was looking for a video for another blog, and this was one that popped up!

Back in the days when I was still deciding whether or not to have kids, I would tell people that I wanted a daughter.  My dad died when I was young, and, having mostly grown up around women, I figured I’d be able to relate to little girls better than boys.

Looking back, though, I can’t imagine what I was thinking.  Girls, at any age, can display some disgusting behavior – not in the sense that it isn’t natural, but in the sense that some of it shouldn’t ever be legally viewed by anyone over the age of 18, ESPECIALLY if you’re their parent!

Unfortunately, were I to have a daughter, there would inevitably be some day where I’d catch my daughter doing some kind of behavior that I’d consider “slutty,” and I’m pretty sure I’d feel conflicted about it.

It starts simple enough when they’re kids: I’d walk into the living room and see my 2-year old daughter doing a booty-wiggle to the latest hit song on BET (or even the Disney Channel – they play songs, too!).  On the one hand, I’d realize she had no idea how… ODD… that looks, but on the other hand, I’d probably have to tell her not to do that, and hear her cry about it because she doesn’t understand.

Then, she’d get a little older (say, elementary school range), and by then all her little girlfriends on the playground will have shown her how to “pop her coochie” (yes, this REALLY happens on the playground when you’re not around, parents!!). I’d come pick her up from school one day, only to find her outside with her friends having a “Pop, Lock & Drop It” contest.  Again, disturbing. 

(For those not familiar with the slang, you basically pop your behind out, place your hands up, and drop your butt to the ground, causing your butt to shake like jelly in the process.  Great for strip clubs, BAAAAAD for 7-year old girls to do!)

This would get even worse once my daughter started growing breasts and a curvy figure – now, if I caught her doing these types of dances I’d have to see extra bounce and jiggle, something I’m sure most fathers have seen and felt VERY disturbed about!

Once she gets into the throws of puberty, I’m sure she’d become extremely horny.  She’d start dating guys and making out with them, which is fine – as long as I didn’t have to see it.

However… I imagine myself coming home from work early one day and walking upstairs… only to hear odd noises coming from my daughter’s room.  And, upon entering the room, I’d see a guy, lying on top of my daughter, wearing nothing more than her birthday suit!

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

And as a guy, there’s a conflict because, on the one hand, we like seeing naked girls with boobs and shapely bodies, but on the other hand, I’m pretty sure most guys don’t want to see that coming from their own kid!

All of these incidents have two things in common: they involve having to view the daughter as a slut, and it is very disturbing to watch when the person doing the slutty behavior in question is your own flesh and blood is involved.

I LIKE being able to look at women dancing, or being naked, etc., without having to feel guilty, or like a pervert, and the idea that I’d accidentally wind up having to view these types of things with my own daughter… well, it certainly doesn’t make me want to go out and have one right now.

And God only knows how I’d feel if she started doing porno!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could end up the catalyst for my next blog!

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Entertainment · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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