Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Entries from May 2008

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #26: Ugly Babies/Children

May 15, 2008 · No Comments

(Above: A video of comedian Stephen Lynch singing his song, “Damn, That’s an Ugly Baby.”)

A few weeks ago, I was driving from Richmond to Atlanta, and had to stop at a gas station.  After filling up my gas tank, I went inside to purchase some water and a light snack.  While waiting in line to pay for my items, a heavy-set woman who, based upon the way she was dressed looked like she lived in a trailer park, cane in and was holding a baby in her arms.

I took one look at the infant’s face, and thought to myself…

“Damn! That is one UGLY baby!”


I relayed this story to some of my female co-workers, and… well, let’s just say, their responses weren’t exactly what I was looking for.

“Oooh, that’s not right – you shouldn’t say that about babies!”

“You’d better watch out, or else YOUR kids will end up being born ugly as well!”

“That’s not funny, A.P. – ALL babies are cute!”

Um, hold it, wait a minute, STOP!  I’m sorry, but I just could NOT agree with that last statement. Truth of the matter is, as much as people do NOT want to say it – for fear of saying something so mean that no one will ever be able to forgive them for saying it – babies CAN, in fact, be unattractive.

Ever see that episode of “Seinfeld” where Jerry and the gang are invited over their friend’s house to see the new baby… and, upon actually seeing the child, realize it’s the most ugly thing they’ve ever seen?  You’d be surprised how often that happens!  Not every child that is born is going to be all cute and cuddly right away!

And with good reason, too: an infant is nothing more than a fetus that, at 9 months, had no choice but to come out the oven.  Once they are born they still have to grow into having more defined features, which means that certain aspects of the baby – nose, ears, facial structure, etc. – may not be fully developed.  And the result: your baby may grow up to be a supermodel… but right now, they’re as ugly as Oscar the Grouch!

Sadly, though, there ARE those children continue to grow and grow, yet never become good-looking.  For me, the thought of having an ugly-looking child is much WORSE than if I didn’t have one at all.  The world is a much harder place to live in if you’re ugly – and I’m not talking about ugly as in “oh, a few people won’t find this kid attractive because one ear is bigger than the other.”  I’m talking ugly as in, “my kid has a droopy eye, half his lip is black, and he has a small hump on his back!”

These types of kids will be constantly ridiculed, picked on, teased, and live with low self-esteem as a result of being ugly.  And, were I the parent of such a kid (though I doubt I would be since I look pretty good), I would be the one that would have to consantly tell this kid that they’re special, that they shouldn’t let the world dictate how they feel about themself (even though we all do), and – worse – I’d have to lie to them all the time about how cute I thought they were, despite knowing just how ugly they really were.  (I mean, hey - just because I become a parent doesn’t mean I’d suddenly become BLIND to ugliness!)

Frankly, I just don’t feel the need to take any time out of my life to have to deal with the consequences of having what could turn out to be an ugly baby.  Heck, I don’t feel the need to take time out of my life to deal with the consequences of having a really cute baby!  But at least with a cute baby I wouldn’t have to work as hard at building up their self-esteem!  Ultimately, though, it’s a role of the dice, and I’d rather not even be at the table, lest I crap out with a kid that looks like crap!

-A.P. Taylor

P.S. How can there NOT be ugly babies?  People point out ugly adults all the time with no problem or sympathy - but when do they think that ugliness started?? 

Send you “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #25: “I Don’t Know…”

May 14, 2008 · 1 Comment

If you want to ever test the true limits of your sanity, try this:

Change your mind about having kids, and have at least 2 of them.  Then, one day, when you feel like they are old enough, leave the siblings alone for 10-15 minutes.  

When you come back, there’s a good chance you will see the older sibling holding the younger one in a choke-hold, or punching him in the arm for no apparent reason.  Pull the older sibling away from the younger one, and ask him why he felt the need to cause violent harm to his brother or sister.

Then, wait for the answer – “I don’t know.  I don’t know!” – and see how long it takes for your sanity to disappear!

This is one of the most annoying aspects of having children – they spend a good portion of the day doing things an older person would refer to as “stupid”, yet when it comes time to explain themselves and their actions, 9 times out of 10 the response a parent will get is…

“I don’t know.  I don’t know!”

When a child says this, the thing that sucks is, they really may NOT know.  Younger children who say this haven’t learned enough vocabulary words to be able to completely express why that toy hammer they were holding just HAD to be pounded on their sibling’s head.  They aren’t able to say, “I was mad at him for not doing what I said, so I decided to hit him” – instead, they just respond with:

“I don’t know.  I don’t know!”

And it’s not just when they are fighting with their siblings.  A kid will do something like walk out the house with just his underwear on, hoping to be able to go to the house next door and pet the new kitty cat the neighbors just bought.  The parent will notice the kid gone, and, after frantically tearing the house upside down, go outside to see their young one halfway across the street!  

They’ll run up to their child – who’s about to be hit by an incoming 1987 Cadillac – and, after hugging them, ask them, “What made you think it was a good idea to leave the house by yourself without permission OR supervision?!?”

And their answer? “I don’t know. I don’t know!”

Now, some people may be up to the challenge of hearing this argument from a little person day in and day out for at least the first 10 years of a kid’s life.  But me, I’d rather be able not to have to deal with the stupidity OR unsatisfying answers kids have to offer me.

Why, you ask? Gee, I don’t know!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com. 

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #24: Body Ruining, Part 2 – Speeding Up the Aging Process

May 13, 2008 · No Comments

In part 1 of “Body Ruining,” we discussed how a woman’s body can be wrecked as a result of carrying around a heavy fetus. However, physical condition isn’t the only thing affecting the body of a kid-carrying Mom.  Both Moms and Dads get dealt a crushing blow to the pace at which they age as a result as well.

The reason? Kids create a lot of stress.  They cry, wine, yell, fight with each other, lie, cry some more, don’t always do what you tell them to, and have to be constantly protected.  And these are just the kids that are considered the “good” ones!

As a result, the amount of dumb-ass situations parents have to deal with on a regular basis makes the aging of their bodies come a LOT faster than the bodies of people who don’t have kids.

Think about it: the more crap kids do, the more scowls will be put on a person’s face.  The result? A parent’s wrinkles come earlier than people without kids, and – because they get them so early – they also get deeper and more defined in a quicker amount of time.

The more kids a couple has, the more time most couples have to spend at work to earn money to support them.  The result? They end up spending most of their day at a desk somewhere sitting down, and getting very little exercise, resulting in weight gain and/or possibly obesity.  And the time they have when they’re not at work that they would spend working out, is instead spent at home trying to disipline the little trouble-makers.

And then, of course, there are grey hairs!  I’m in my mid-20s, and I’ve already got a few grey hairs here and there, but that’s normal.  However, it has been shown that people with lots of stress tend to get their grey hairs in much earlier – and what usually accounts for this early growth of grey hairs? DNA, naturally, aaaaaand…


No matter how easy a person may raising their kids look, behind the scenes it is a very STRESSFUL job!  It requires constant attention, constant disiplining, and a whole lot of other constants that can’t be prepared for by just reading some parenting books!  And that stress plays a major part in the aging process of parents!

Personally, I’d like to be able to look and feel youthful for as long as possible.  Not saying that I want to look like a kid forever, and it’s a given that, if we live long enough, we’re ALL going to look like we’ve aged at some point.  But I’d like that look to come at a slower pace, and not have it heightened up as the result of having to deal with stress-inducing kids everyday!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhaivngkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #23: Body Ruining, Part 1: Your Figure

May 12, 2008 · 1 Comment

Overweight Lady

The effects of having children go beyond the ruining of your daily schedule.  It can also wreck havoc on your once admirable figure.

Especially on the woman doing the birth-giving.

Women who have kids can often be heard complaining about how their after-birth figures are far LESS attractive than the figures they once had before baby came along.  Not that it’s hard to see why: there’s a fetus inside her for 9 months that stretches out her rib-cage, insides and skin; and when it’s time to give birth a woman’s vagina can stretch out so much that the elasticity it once had can make it looser than hookers on a Las Vegas strip!

Something in a woman’s metabolism also changes while she is carrying a baby.  I’m not a scientist or a nutritionist so I don’t want to sound like I know exactly what it is, but for some reason women who give birth have a much harder time keeping off the pounds than they did prior to having a kid.  My mom used to be a skinny beanpole who couldn’t keep the weight on if she ate an entire buffet meal; after she had me and my brother, it seemed like eating ONE cookie would make her gain 5 pounds!

Add to that the fact that while they are carrying a baby inside them, their bodies have to adapt to the extra weight a baby brings.  A woman’s spine is actually developed in a way that allows them to carry this weight without falling over, which is a good thing.  However, they can still get unnessessary ankle swellings and leg pains that can affect them for a lifetime, long after the kid has found its way out the birthing canal!

Ultimately, what was once a woman who had a body to drool, will now become a woman who has a body… that will get drooled on by the diaper people! 

And this may sound selfish on my part, but I’d like to be able to actually BE attracted to my wife or girlfriend’s body for a LONG time, instead of having to fake like it’s still nice to look at after the body effects of my kids’ birth have taken place!  Not that a stomach with stretch marks and baby fat pouches can’t be attractive (after all, I AM a lover of big women), but having a girlfriend that looks like she’s been in a war zone can only turn me on for so long!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #22: No Dumb Arguments With Teenagers

May 9, 2008 · 1 Comment

from vodpod.com posted with vodpod

Teenagers are a preculiar breed of people.

No longer kids yet not quite adults, they live in a world of limbo where they are not quite ready to take on the world themselves, yet still have a strong need to have a life free from their parent’s rules.  Consequently, the teenage years can be quite the little hell for parents to deal with – and part of that hell includes having dumb arguments with their moronic-acting children.

Because their hormones aren’t quite at a level that makes them want to make sense, teenagers will constantly go out and do things that are… well, stupid to say the least – yet be willing and ready to defend their actions at any moment with as much yelling, pouting, foot-stopming and gusto as they can!

A teenager will do something dumb, like throw a party at their parents house whilst they are out of town, and then get mad at THEM for coming home earlier than expected and finding out about the festivities being thrown in their absence.  This teenager will scream and shout about how they are no longer a little kid, that the friends they had over weren’t doing anything, all the while knowing that they were in the wrong for disobeying their parents’ rules in the first place!

And if a teenager feels like they’re losing an argument – i.e. they understand what they are saying is extremely stupid yet can’t go back on it, lest they admit to their parents that they were wrong – they use the oh-so-famous argument of:

“Well, didn’t YOU ever make mistakes like this when YOU were young???” (Incidentally, I always said that if I had kids and they asked this question, my response would be: “Yes, I did, and I got grounded for a month for doing it.  Do you want the same punishment??”)

Arguments with teenagers are NOT fun.  Whereas kids will usually throw a tantrum for a time (also not fun) then move on to the next thing within a few hours, teenagers can take an argument and drag it out for DAYS.  You could have an argument about your teenager needing to clean the dishes in the kitchen, and they’ll come back at you with “You never notice all those times when I DID clean the dishes!!! I hate you!!”  Next thing you know, you have a teen around your house who, for 5 days, answers everything you say or ask of them with, “not that you’ll notice if I DO do it, mom!”

As an adult who survived this period of idiocracy in his life and lived to tell about it, I don’t feel the need to spend 7 years of my life arguing with a teenager about dumb stuff.  Teens make decisions to do dumb stuff that is unsafe, not healthy for them, and breaks the rules – and the last thing I feel the need to do is spend any brain power trying to think of a way to explain the consequences of this stuff logically to a person who wants to do illogical stuff.

And if nothing I’ve said in this article convinces you NOT to have kids, please watch the video above – it involves a mother trying to put some sense into her daugher’s head after having snuck out the house to meet up with a guy… that she just met on MySpace?!?  How DUMB is that?!?

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers · Uncategorized
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #21: They Poop

May 6, 2008 · No Comments

So… did anyone forget to mention that babies poop?

I know, it’s not a real shocking discovery – heck, we ALL have to slow down our lives to take the dreaded #2 every so often.  The only difference is, it doesn’t seem so gross when you’re done and have to wipe yourself.

Of course, once a person decides to have a kid, their first 2 to 3 years will be spent having to change dirty diapers, and wipe the poop off of what seems to be a non-stop crap machine!

But it’s not just the wiping up of baby crap that turns me off from wanting to have children – it’s the smell, too.  Babies have the ability to churn out some devistatingly horrible-smelling doo-doo.  I don’t know if it’s all the milk they drink during their infancy, or the fact that their baby food is already in the form of a runny substance, but when it comes time for them to do the doo, they REALLY know how to make their presence known!

I was at a restaurant last night, and there was a party of abot 10 people eating in the dining room.  One of the ladies in the group had her infant with her, and, at some point during their meal, the baby dropped a load in the diaper that set about a stink that smelt worse than 5-day old garbage! 

And how, might you ask, was I able to determine it was this particular baby that set off the stink bomb? One, there were no other infants in the entire dining room, and second – I could smell that baby’s diaper from across the restaurant!  That’s how powerful of a smell this baby’s crap produced!

Furthermore, when babies poop, the clean-up aspect of the deal can get quite messy.  Unlike adults, who drop all their droppings into a giant hole, babies are forced to crap in diapers (due to the unpredictability of when or where this event might occur). 

Consequently, babies tend to get quite messy when they go to the bathroom.  Upon opening a diaper, a parent is not only hit with an extremely crappy smell (ha ha ha, get it?), they also get hit with the reality that the baby’s crap is damn near EVERYWHERE!  You don’t just have to wipe its butt like you would if you were going to the bathroom – you have to wipe their butt, their back, their legs, and any other place the crap may have landed!

And don’t even get me started on accidentally getting some of the baby’s feces on you – that’s just too gross to think about!

Face it, people: a baby is nothing more than a little poop machine that has to be constantly monitored so that it’s not continuously festering in a mess of its own making.  No wonder some people (like me) don’t want to have kids – if I wanted to do a clean-up job, I’d have become a janitor… and at least got PAID for it!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #20: Good Times, Interrupted

May 5, 2008 · No Comments

Kids seem to have a subconscious abilitiy to sense when their parents are really enjoying themselves… and it is during these moments that they are able to truly make their parents wish they’d never had children.

One of the disadvantages of having kids is that they can make what should be a fun outing, and completely interrupt this good time with bad, unpredictable behavior. They don’t appear to be doing it purposefully, but my instincts tell me that their instincts tell them when these perfect moments are to completely screw up events by having something go wrong.

For example: last night, I went to a concert to see Kanye West. I don’t have kids, so I was able to stay in the arena for all of the acts, as well as the interludes. Why? Because I didn’t feel the need to have to go anywhere, so I could stay in one place the entire night if I so desired.

Now, what might have happened had I had children with me?

First of all, kids are notorious for having short bladders. I can imagine having 2 little knee-biters with me, and, just as Kanye was into the second song, having to get up from my seat because one of them had to go to the bathroom. I absolutely HATE having to leave anything once it’s started – it’s the reason I don’t eat heavily or drink anything before I go to concerts, movies, speeches, or even church! I want to see the ENTIRE program, but if I had a kid, who knows how many times that kid would have wanted to go to the bathroom? I could have missed half the show!

Second – and this is true of people with 2 or more kids – siblings have a tendancy to not get along from time to time. This is all well and good (yet still annoying) when they’re at home because the parents can disipline them any way they see fit behind closed doors…

…but brothers and sisters can get into it any time, any place – even at concerts. Picture it: you, the parent, are standing there singing along to one of Kanye’s songs…

…and all of a sudden, from down below, you hear: “Stop touching me!” “Get your hands off me!” “That’s MY pair of glasses, give that back!” “NOOOO!!”

Now you have to stop enjoying your sing-a-long to get these two ding-a-lings from beating each other senseless. Next thing you know, you have to exit out the arena AGAIN to have a “talk” with them!

Third, kids cry. I think we’re all aware of this, yet rarely do people bring up how much a kid’s crying can bring down an event. People with kids – especially babies – will go out to restaurants with a group of friends (who may or may not have children), and end up having to spend the entire night attending to a crying child. This is time they’d much rather be spending laughing it up with friends, but can’t because their party interrupter needs all of their attention!!

So, you see, while kids may appear to be a blessing in disguise for some, to others (like me), they are nothing more than whiny noise-makers that are out to make sure that all my good times are interrupted. But that won’t happen to ME since I’m NEVER having kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #19: F–k That Censorship Bull$#!+

May 4, 2008 · No Comments

I’m a HUGE fan of the T.V. show, “South Park,” on Comedy Central.

Since the show started in 1997, I have seen every single episode that’s ever aired. The show, about the adventures of four elementary-schooled kids growing up in the small mountain town, is hilarious, provocative… and has a LOT of bad words and adult situations that aren’t meant to be seen by children.

In the summer of 2005, I went to live with my Uncle and his two children, who, at the time, were ages 11 and 15. Like any good parent, my Uncle monitored what songs and programs his children could hear or watch.

Needless to say, as a 23-year old grown man, this greatly affected the types of entertainment I was able to watch while I was in the house.

The first thing to go: my beloved “South Park.” Because it was summer time and the kids were able to stay up late, I wasn’t able to watch the show because the 11-year old (and, really, the 15 year old) were too young to see the M-rated show. The second thing to go: “Family Guy,” which also has situations and language not suitible for pre-teens.

The third thing to go? My MUSIC! I have a huge collection of music, most of which has profanity in it. As instructed by my Uncle, I couldn’t play songs in my car that had anything suggestive in it, or had fowl language. My summer consisted of listening to a LOT of Will Smith and pop music (i.e. Britney, N*Sync, etc.), especially since I was the one driving my cousins around most of the time.

The fourth thing to go? MUSIC VIDEOS. Yes, all those songs with videos where women were shaking their butts on the screen, could not be watched when my cousins were around. Of course, they still tried to go to other rooms and sneak watching them, but when my uncle was home, it was not to be on the television!

The fifth thing to go? MY SANITY! All the things that I liked to do – and that I was able to do as a grown-up adult – had to be watered down or censored simply because there were younger people around!

But then it dawned on me: when people become parents, their worries about what is out there in the world that will corrupt their children gets heightened by 300% (note: percentage made up for dramatic effect). Therefore, they feel the need to keep their kids as innocent for as long as possible. This is why parents freak out when they take their kids out and hear other people cussing around them, or try to frantically roll up their car windows when they drive by someone playing loud rap music – God forbid their kids hear the word “damn” or “f–k” and decide right there and then to live a life of crime!

Not that I don’t understand the good intentions behind it – heck, my parents wouldn’t let me or my brother bring uncensored music into the house when I was growing up, and I didn’t start cussing around people until I got to college. I completely agree with a parent’s decision to censor what their kids are exposed to until such a time as they feel comfortable for their kids to be around it.


I don’t want to have to censor what I like to do, listen to, watch, etc. just because of some snot-nosed lil’ rugrat that’s in my house! And the best way to do that… is not to have kids in the first place!

So… F–K THAT CENSORSHIP BULL$#!+, ’cause I’m NEVER having kids!

(And yes, I do see the irony in me having censored the stronger words in this article. I did that just in case some kid runs across this article – the last thing I need is for a parent to get mad at me for corrupting his kid!)

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #18: Going Back 2 School Sucks Monkey Balls

May 3, 2008 · 1 Comment

When I was in 12th grade, I took a college Calculus course. Math comes pretty easy to me, and I ended up passing the class with an A-, a pretty good grade considering I had hardly studied for any of the test I took!

During my freshman year of college, a girl I had a secret crush on was taking a Calculus course, and was on the verge of failing miserably. Since I had passed the course with ease the year before, I decided to be the “nice guy” I am and help her study the math, even though I wasn’t taking the class.

The facts and figures were still fairly easy… but it HAD been a year since I’d taken the course, and I found myself having to study HER math just to figure out how to explain it to her. Not only did this affect my OWN school work, but it took hours out of my week to have to re-learn how to do some of this stuff just so she could finish up the semester with a C or higher.

And just what did I learn from helping my crush out? One, that helping a girl with schoolwork doesn’t guarantee you’ll get some action in return; and two, that I ABSOLUTELY HATE HAVING TO RELEARN AND TEACH SOMETHING I’VE ALREADY LEARNED AND FORGOTTEN.

A person who doesn’t have kids hardly ever has to face this option. Unless you become a teacher, you can go to school, study hard, pass all those unimportant classes like history, English, and gym (yes, playing dodgeball has REALLY helped me out in life!), and – most importantly – NEVER HAVE TO STUDY THEM AGAIN.

However, if you DO decide to have kids, you might as well buy yourself a bookbag as well, ’cause guess what?

If your KIDS are going to school, you, too, will be going back to school!

Not that you’ll be sitting in the same classroom as little Billy or Reshanda – but you might as well be. Kids come home, and every single day it’s:

“MOOOOOOOOOOOM! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! I need some help with my homewoooooork!!”

So, once again, you have to sit there and try to explain to your kids the stuff they weren’t able to understand from the teacher. But let’s face it – you’ve been out of school for quite a loooooong time. The math you were learning in 8th grade is now being learned by your children – in the 5th grade.

And what does that mean? That’s right – if they’re studying math or science and they need your help, YOU HAVE TO STUDY IT TOO!

Just think: all those hours you could be traveling, or advancing your career, or having mad passionate (and uninterrupted) sex…

…will be spent re-teaching yourself Algebra. Oh boy, do I envy you!! — Oh, wait, that’s right – NO I DON’T! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

So, enjoy studying that history book again – me, I’ll just avoid the whole “going back to school thing” by not having any kids!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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