Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #38: Do Young Children EVER Shut Up?!?

May 29, 2008 · No Comments

Above: 2 children crying and wailing and constantly saying, “Mommy! Mommy!”  This video is only 37 seconds, and it gave me a headache.  I can’t even imagine listening to this 24/7.

I catch the train and/or ride the bus to get places, and the number of times I’ve seen parents with kids who are non-stop noise-boxes is baffling.  Don’t they have some kind of child muzzle out there for people who want to shut their kids up??

I was catching the train to work the other day, and, as I was trying to get a little sleep before I reached my destination, a family consisting of a mother, a grandmother, a grandfather, and 2 young kids (who looked to be about 6 and 3) came into the car I was riding in.  They all sat in the seat in front of me, except for one of the kids, who felt it necessary to sit next to ME.

I’m already thinking to myself, “Oh God, please let them move.” Knowing my luck, it was only a matter of time before my sleep would be interrupted.  And sure enough, I was right!

The kids were making all kinds of noises during my 15-minute ride!  They kept on pointing at the train map posted on the car’s wall, saying, “Where are we going, mommy? Where are we going, Mommy! Is that are train stop? Is that are train stop?? When’s the next stop, mommy???” 

Then, while looking out the train window: “Oooh, look, mommy! The highway! Look at the cars, mommy, look at the cars!  Oooh, I see signs, mommy! What does THAT sign say, mommy?!?”  While they’re doing this, I’m trying to get some sleep and act like they’re not there… but it’s kind of hard to do that when the kid sitting next to you is trying to LEAN OVER MY LAP TO LOOK OUTSIDE WHILE TALKING AT THE SAME TIME!!!

THEN, they decided to play what I call “The Humming Game,” where both kids make random humming noises – “Bzzzz! Bzzzz! Mmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmm!” – until one of them either gives up, or the mother tells them to be quite.  In this case, neither of those things happened :(

After they finally stopped (I forget when, because at this point I was thinking to myself, “Dear God, PLEASE, just get me to my stop without me going ballistic on these lil’ punks), the younger kid asks his mom – AGAIN – “Mommy, are we at our stop yet?”  She tells him they have two more stops to go before they get off the train.  The son sits back down…

…and proceeds to start up with the humming noises again: “Bzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzz!”

I was THIS close to throwing that kid off the train.


Kids usually learn how to talk by the time they’re one or two years old – and once they do, they don’t slow down on their chatter until they become teenagers (at which point, if you’re lucky, they’ll be too busy trying to look cool around their friends to want to have extended conversation with you.  Consider it a blessing!)

This means that parents have to deal with their kids making constant noises with their mouths, and it can get VERY annoying at times!

Younger kids are the absolute WORST when it comes to making noise.  Once they’ve learned how to express themselves via talking, they suddenly feel the need to express EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT OR FEELING THAT COMES TO MIND. 

This is why you RARELY see kids being silent when they’re out in public with their parents.  If they aren’t trying to talk about the most recent episode of their favorite TV show or asking their parents if they can have/do/look at/touch something, they’re making some silly noise or singing the chorus to that Hannah Montana song they just heard – and they’re singing it over and over and over and over again.

And why? Just because they have a mouth and know how to make noise, that’s why!

In fact, it’s VERY hard to make a kid be quiet without the threat of violence or some other form of punishment.  I think half the reason parents ground younger kids or place them in time out is not because they did anything wrong per se, but because those adults need a small amount of time where they aren’t hearing the constant and oh-so inconsistent ramblings of a child who’s mouth just won’t stop.

And I’m the type of person who likes his quiet time.  In fact, I thrive on it – I’m a creative person, and I like to use my downtime, i.e. when nobody is around, to collect my thoughts and think about what project I’ll be working on next. 

The LAST thing I need is to have that time constantly interrupted by a young person who wants to spend 2 hours making noises and talking to me about stuff I don’t care about in the first place!  Of course, there’s no need to shut a kid up if you, like me, aren’t having them in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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