Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #37: They Look for Loopholes in What You Tell Them

May 28, 2008 · 1 Comment

I was flipping through TV channels this morning, and came across a re-run of “Malcolm in the Middle.”  The show, about 2 parents raising 3 children (with their son, Malcolm, being the middle child) and the pain that comes with it, shows GREAT examples of why I NEVER want to have children!

In the part of the episode I saw, the father had just woken up from a bad dream, and decided to walk around the house and check on things.  He entered the living room, only to find his eldest and youngest son still awake, watching porno, at 3 in the morning.

He storms up to them, turns off the TV, and says, “Hey! I thought I told you both to go to bed hours ago!”

The older one looks at his father, and says: “Well, yeah, but you didn’t tell us to go to bed NOW.  You really have to be specific when you tell us these things, Dad!”


Kids aren’t REALLY as stupid as they sometimes sound.  They just like to ACT like they are so they can get their way!

Children, like most normal people, have the ability to read subtleties and/or get what a person really wants them to do when they say something.  However, children can also be VERY selfish – they always want to do what they want to do, and will usually fight, wine, cry, or scream if they aren’t getting their way.

And if none of that works, they do the next best thing: they take whatever you tell them NOT to do, and try to figure out the loopholes in what you’ve said that will allow them to do it anyway!

For example: a parent may tell their daughter: “I don’t want to see you hanging out with the neighbor’s son anymore!” 

If that daughter really wants to hang out with the neighbor’s son, though, all she will do is figure out a way to hang out with him when her parent is not around.  If her parent finds out later that she DID, in fact, hang out with the neighbor’s son (either by being told on by her younger sibling or the neighbor’s son’s parents telling her parent about what a wonderful time the two of them had together on her last visit to their house), the daughter – who may, for the most part, be smarter than Einstein – will suddenly play aloof by giving the following excuse:

“Well, YOU just said you didn’t want to SEE me hanging out with him.  You didn’t SEE me do it with your eyes, so I thought it would be okay!”

Now, the daughter KNEW what her parent meant when they said what they said!  But, because they put the word “see” in their sentence, they created a loophole their daughter thought they could drive around!

What I like about dealing with adults is, I don’t have to be so cautious of how I’m wording everything.  If I tell an adult that I’m studying and don’t want them to talk, they will usually shut up; if I tell a kid that I’m studying and don’t want them to talk, there’s always the chance they’ll start humming, singing, or making odd noises – the catch being, of course, that I told them not to TALK, but didn’t tell them not to do those other things they may now be doing.

And frankly, why should I have to deal with little people that want to act like they don’t understand the perfectly good English coming out of my mouth just because they want to get their way?  I’d rather just NOT have them around in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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