Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #35: Kids’ TV Shows Annoy the $#!+ Outta Me

May 26, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: “Gabba Gabba” sings about the food party going on in his tummy.  I could barely sit through this 2-minute video.  If you have kids, don’t let them see this – you may end up having to sit through it more than once!

Children have the absolute WORST taste in television programs!

I remember all the shows I used to watch as a kid – “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse,” “Muppet Babies,” “Power Rangers” – and I don’t know how my parents dealt with having to watch that crap with me!

Okay, let me be fair: when kids are little, they can’t exactly watch the same things adults can.  Their immature brains aren’t intellectual enough to get the jokes on “The Tonight Show,” and they’re too young to be exposed to the curse words and situations of shows like “South Park” and “The Simpsons.”

Consequentely, they have to watch programming that plays to their age range. This usually boils down to one of three choices: cartoons, shows with puppets, or shows that teach children about certain aspects of life (i.e. spelling, numbers, manners, etc.).

And as kids, most of them are happy as punch to see any type of stimuli on television that motivates them to jump up and down, sing along, or “help” find clues with the person onscreen.

As a person who doesn’t want kids, though, I find all of those TV shows EXTREMELY annoying!

I’ve already passed the age where those types of shows are entertaining to me, or have any significance in my growing development.  Watching a purple dinosaur sing about how he loves me may have been enjoyable at age 6; at age 26, though, it just sounds like a gay dinosaur is trying to hit on me!

All those pre-schoolish songs sung on those programs are pure tourture, especially when they get stuck in my head.  I end up having to go the whole day with high-pitched bad singing and laughing in my head, and it ruins my concentration!

Furthermore, because younger kids have to be monitored on what they watch, I, as the parent, would end up having to watch most of these shows with them, or, at the very least, be in the vacinity of my kid when they were on, which would mean I’d still have to HEAR these shows. 

And the dialogue on these shows is TERRIBLE!  I’m so used to adult television being full of interesting stories, innuendo, plot twists, and so on; I can’t revert back and be forced to watch shows like “Dora the Explorer,” Barney, “Diego,” and a bunch of other horrible children’s show where I’d have to hear dialogue like this:

Hey kids! How are YOU doing today?” (Characters on screen pause and wait for your kid’s response). 

Are we going to have FUN today??” (Characters wait for response again.)

That’s GREAT!  Oh look, there’s a snail! Can you say ’snail’?” (Waits for response) “Oh, come on now! Can you say ’snail,’ boys and girls?!?

Can you say, “never, ever, EVER having kids, boys and girls?!?”

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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