Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #26: Ugly Babies/Children

May 15, 2008 · No Comments

(Above: A video of comedian Stephen Lynch singing his song, “Damn, That’s an Ugly Baby.”)

A few weeks ago, I was driving from Richmond to Atlanta, and had to stop at a gas station.  After filling up my gas tank, I went inside to purchase some water and a light snack.  While waiting in line to pay for my items, a heavy-set woman who, based upon the way she was dressed looked like she lived in a trailer park, cane in and was holding a baby in her arms.

I took one look at the infant’s face, and thought to myself…

“Damn! That is one UGLY baby!”


I relayed this story to some of my female co-workers, and… well, let’s just say, their responses weren’t exactly what I was looking for.

“Oooh, that’s not right – you shouldn’t say that about babies!”

“You’d better watch out, or else YOUR kids will end up being born ugly as well!”

“That’s not funny, A.P. – ALL babies are cute!”

Um, hold it, wait a minute, STOP!  I’m sorry, but I just could NOT agree with that last statement. Truth of the matter is, as much as people do NOT want to say it – for fear of saying something so mean that no one will ever be able to forgive them for saying it – babies CAN, in fact, be unattractive.

Ever see that episode of “Seinfeld” where Jerry and the gang are invited over their friend’s house to see the new baby… and, upon actually seeing the child, realize it’s the most ugly thing they’ve ever seen?  You’d be surprised how often that happens!  Not every child that is born is going to be all cute and cuddly right away!

And with good reason, too: an infant is nothing more than a fetus that, at 9 months, had no choice but to come out the oven.  Once they are born they still have to grow into having more defined features, which means that certain aspects of the baby – nose, ears, facial structure, etc. – may not be fully developed.  And the result: your baby may grow up to be a supermodel… but right now, they’re as ugly as Oscar the Grouch!

Sadly, though, there ARE those children continue to grow and grow, yet never become good-looking.  For me, the thought of having an ugly-looking child is much WORSE than if I didn’t have one at all.  The world is a much harder place to live in if you’re ugly – and I’m not talking about ugly as in “oh, a few people won’t find this kid attractive because one ear is bigger than the other.”  I’m talking ugly as in, “my kid has a droopy eye, half his lip is black, and he has a small hump on his back!”

These types of kids will be constantly ridiculed, picked on, teased, and live with low self-esteem as a result of being ugly.  And, were I the parent of such a kid (though I doubt I would be since I look pretty good), I would be the one that would have to consantly tell this kid that they’re special, that they shouldn’t let the world dictate how they feel about themself (even though we all do), and – worse – I’d have to lie to them all the time about how cute I thought they were, despite knowing just how ugly they really were.  (I mean, hey - just because I become a parent doesn’t mean I’d suddenly become BLIND to ugliness!)

Frankly, I just don’t feel the need to take any time out of my life to have to deal with the consequences of having what could turn out to be an ugly baby.  Heck, I don’t feel the need to take time out of my life to deal with the consequences of having a really cute baby!  But at least with a cute baby I wouldn’t have to work as hard at building up their self-esteem!  Ultimately, though, it’s a role of the dice, and I’d rather not even be at the table, lest I crap out with a kid that looks like crap!

-A.P. Taylor

P.S. How can there NOT be ugly babies?  People point out ugly adults all the time with no problem or sympathy - but when do they think that ugliness started?? 

Send you “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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