Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #23: Body Ruining, Part 1: Your Figure

May 12, 2008 · 1 Comment

Overweight Lady

The effects of having children go beyond the ruining of your daily schedule.  It can also wreck havoc on your once admirable figure.

Especially on the woman doing the birth-giving.

Women who have kids can often be heard complaining about how their after-birth figures are far LESS attractive than the figures they once had before baby came along.  Not that it’s hard to see why: there’s a fetus inside her for 9 months that stretches out her rib-cage, insides and skin; and when it’s time to give birth a woman’s vagina can stretch out so much that the elasticity it once had can make it looser than hookers on a Las Vegas strip!

Something in a woman’s metabolism also changes while she is carrying a baby.  I’m not a scientist or a nutritionist so I don’t want to sound like I know exactly what it is, but for some reason women who give birth have a much harder time keeping off the pounds than they did prior to having a kid.  My mom used to be a skinny beanpole who couldn’t keep the weight on if she ate an entire buffet meal; after she had me and my brother, it seemed like eating ONE cookie would make her gain 5 pounds!

Add to that the fact that while they are carrying a baby inside them, their bodies have to adapt to the extra weight a baby brings.  A woman’s spine is actually developed in a way that allows them to carry this weight without falling over, which is a good thing.  However, they can still get unnessessary ankle swellings and leg pains that can affect them for a lifetime, long after the kid has found its way out the birthing canal!

Ultimately, what was once a woman who had a body to drool, will now become a woman who has a body… that will get drooled on by the diaper people! 

And this may sound selfish on my part, but I’d like to be able to actually BE attracted to my wife or girlfriend’s body for a LONG time, instead of having to fake like it’s still nice to look at after the body effects of my kids’ birth have taken place!  Not that a stomach with stretch marks and baby fat pouches can’t be attractive (after all, I AM a lover of big women), but having a girlfriend that looks like she’s been in a war zone can only turn me on for so long!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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