Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #21: They Poop

May 6, 2008 · No Comments

So… did anyone forget to mention that babies poop?

I know, it’s not a real shocking discovery – heck, we ALL have to slow down our lives to take the dreaded #2 every so often.  The only difference is, it doesn’t seem so gross when you’re done and have to wipe yourself.

Of course, once a person decides to have a kid, their first 2 to 3 years will be spent having to change dirty diapers, and wipe the poop off of what seems to be a non-stop crap machine!

But it’s not just the wiping up of baby crap that turns me off from wanting to have children – it’s the smell, too.  Babies have the ability to churn out some devistatingly horrible-smelling doo-doo.  I don’t know if it’s all the milk they drink during their infancy, or the fact that their baby food is already in the form of a runny substance, but when it comes time for them to do the doo, they REALLY know how to make their presence known!

I was at a restaurant last night, and there was a party of abot 10 people eating in the dining room.  One of the ladies in the group had her infant with her, and, at some point during their meal, the baby dropped a load in the diaper that set about a stink that smelt worse than 5-day old garbage! 

And how, might you ask, was I able to determine it was this particular baby that set off the stink bomb? One, there were no other infants in the entire dining room, and second – I could smell that baby’s diaper from across the restaurant!  That’s how powerful of a smell this baby’s crap produced!

Furthermore, when babies poop, the clean-up aspect of the deal can get quite messy.  Unlike adults, who drop all their droppings into a giant hole, babies are forced to crap in diapers (due to the unpredictability of when or where this event might occur). 

Consequently, babies tend to get quite messy when they go to the bathroom.  Upon opening a diaper, a parent is not only hit with an extremely crappy smell (ha ha ha, get it?), they also get hit with the reality that the baby’s crap is damn near EVERYWHERE!  You don’t just have to wipe its butt like you would if you were going to the bathroom – you have to wipe their butt, their back, their legs, and any other place the crap may have landed!

And don’t even get me started on accidentally getting some of the baby’s feces on you – that’s just too gross to think about!

Face it, people: a baby is nothing more than a little poop machine that has to be constantly monitored so that it’s not continuously festering in a mess of its own making.  No wonder some people (like me) don’t want to have kids – if I wanted to do a clean-up job, I’d have become a janitor… and at least got PAID for it!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People
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