Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #18: Going Back 2 School Sucks Monkey Balls

May 3, 2008 · 1 Comment

When I was in 12th grade, I took a college Calculus course. Math comes pretty easy to me, and I ended up passing the class with an A-, a pretty good grade considering I had hardly studied for any of the test I took!

During my freshman year of college, a girl I had a secret crush on was taking a Calculus course, and was on the verge of failing miserably. Since I had passed the course with ease the year before, I decided to be the “nice guy” I am and help her study the math, even though I wasn’t taking the class.

The facts and figures were still fairly easy… but it HAD been a year since I’d taken the course, and I found myself having to study HER math just to figure out how to explain it to her. Not only did this affect my OWN school work, but it took hours out of my week to have to re-learn how to do some of this stuff just so she could finish up the semester with a C or higher.

And just what did I learn from helping my crush out? One, that helping a girl with schoolwork doesn’t guarantee you’ll get some action in return; and two, that I ABSOLUTELY HATE HAVING TO RELEARN AND TEACH SOMETHING I’VE ALREADY LEARNED AND FORGOTTEN.

A person who doesn’t have kids hardly ever has to face this option. Unless you become a teacher, you can go to school, study hard, pass all those unimportant classes like history, English, and gym (yes, playing dodgeball has REALLY helped me out in life!), and – most importantly – NEVER HAVE TO STUDY THEM AGAIN.

However, if you DO decide to have kids, you might as well buy yourself a bookbag as well, ’cause guess what?

If your KIDS are going to school, you, too, will be going back to school!

Not that you’ll be sitting in the same classroom as little Billy or Reshanda – but you might as well be. Kids come home, and every single day it’s:

“MOOOOOOOOOOOM! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! I need some help with my homewoooooork!!”

So, once again, you have to sit there and try to explain to your kids the stuff they weren’t able to understand from the teacher. But let’s face it – you’ve been out of school for quite a loooooong time. The math you were learning in 8th grade is now being learned by your children – in the 5th grade.

And what does that mean? That’s right – if they’re studying math or science and they need your help, YOU HAVE TO STUDY IT TOO!

Just think: all those hours you could be traveling, or advancing your career, or having mad passionate (and uninterrupted) sex…

…will be spent re-teaching yourself Algebra. Oh boy, do I envy you!! — Oh, wait, that’s right – NO I DON’T! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

So, enjoy studying that history book again – me, I’ll just avoid the whole “going back to school thing” by not having any kids!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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