Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Entries from May 2008

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #39: Living Life on Repeat

May 31, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A 3-year old kid give a synopsis of the plot for “Star Wars.”  Very cute video – but I already KNOW the plot for the movie!

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone where, after about 3 or 4 minutes in, you realize that they are basically repeating the same point they made in the 1st minute, only in different ways?

Have you ever talked to a person where, after the first few minutes, it becomes clear to you that they are just saying the same idea over and over again, just using different words?

Have you ever been speaking to someone when, suddenly, you realize that what they are talking about hasn’t changed, just the phrasing of it?

Did you just read the 3 sentences above, and think to yourself: “Isn’t Mr. Taylor just saying the same thing over and over again??”

One more question: isn’t it ANNOYING when someone does that?!?

As adults, we understand language enough to not have to hear the same ideals told to us over and over again.  Therefore, the reason we find such conversations annoying is because repetitiveness is not necessary once we’ve heard something and understood it.

In fact, it’s pretty annoying anytime someone tries to reiterate or tell us something that we already know.  Like, what sense does it make for someone to tell me how to type faster (I already type close to 60 words per minute), or why owning a house is better than renting, when I already KNOW that stuff!

Unfortunately, people that don’t know us don’t know what things we may or may not know.  Consequently, they may feel the need to tell you something they think you may not know, if only because they aren’t aware that you know it.

So… what does all this have to do with having kids?

Kids are the WORST OFFENDERS of what I call the “Telling Me Something I Already Know” syndrome! 

Children are newcomers to this planet, meaning everything they learn or hear about for their first few years of existence is something new… to THEM.  The rest of us know about 90% of whatever it is they’re learning, which means we don’t have to hear about it.

However, since it’s new to THEM, they automatically think they HAVE to tell us what they’ve learned because they want to share info they think we don’t know.

And frankly, having to hear some of that stuff - AGAIN – is annoying!

A perfect example of this is when they try to tell their parents a joke.  Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: “Why did the chicken cro-” 

Oh, you’ve heard that one before?  Well guess what? If a kid comes up to you and starts this joke, you (a) can’t stop them from telling it because they may get upset and start to cry, and (b) can’t act like you’ve heard it, because then it takes the fun of the answer being a surprise away from them!

And this goes for just about anything a kid tries to show or tell you.  Again, EVERYTHING is new and exciting to them, including things that may be old and boring to you. 

They want to go to the circus, and you’ve been there 10 times in your life already; they want to talk to you about their newfound love of learning about the Solar System, and you’ve learned everything you ever wanted to know about it while taking science classes in school.

To be fair, there is that 10% of the time a kid will come home and talk to you about something that you may not have known – but even that stuff tends to be bastardizations of something you’ve done before! 

They talk to you about that new “Hannah Montana” song, not realizing that she’s basically Britney Spears, which YOU experienced 10 years ago (who, by the way, was a repeat of Tiffany, another pop princess in the 1980s); they tell you about their favorite new TV show, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” and you think to yourself: “But I was watching that 18 YEARS ago! I don’t wanna hear about that!”

Oh, that’s too bad – but if you didn’t want to live your life on repeat, you should have, like me, decided to NEVER have kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #38: Do Young Children EVER Shut Up?!?

May 29, 2008 · No Comments

Above: 2 children crying and wailing and constantly saying, “Mommy! Mommy!”  This video is only 37 seconds, and it gave me a headache.  I can’t even imagine listening to this 24/7.

I catch the train and/or ride the bus to get places, and the number of times I’ve seen parents with kids who are non-stop noise-boxes is baffling.  Don’t they have some kind of child muzzle out there for people who want to shut their kids up??

I was catching the train to work the other day, and, as I was trying to get a little sleep before I reached my destination, a family consisting of a mother, a grandmother, a grandfather, and 2 young kids (who looked to be about 6 and 3) came into the car I was riding in.  They all sat in the seat in front of me, except for one of the kids, who felt it necessary to sit next to ME.

I’m already thinking to myself, “Oh God, please let them move.” Knowing my luck, it was only a matter of time before my sleep would be interrupted.  And sure enough, I was right!

The kids were making all kinds of noises during my 15-minute ride!  They kept on pointing at the train map posted on the car’s wall, saying, “Where are we going, mommy? Where are we going, Mommy! Is that are train stop? Is that are train stop?? When’s the next stop, mommy???” 

Then, while looking out the train window: “Oooh, look, mommy! The highway! Look at the cars, mommy, look at the cars!  Oooh, I see signs, mommy! What does THAT sign say, mommy?!?”  While they’re doing this, I’m trying to get some sleep and act like they’re not there… but it’s kind of hard to do that when the kid sitting next to you is trying to LEAN OVER MY LAP TO LOOK OUTSIDE WHILE TALKING AT THE SAME TIME!!!

THEN, they decided to play what I call “The Humming Game,” where both kids make random humming noises – “Bzzzz! Bzzzz! Mmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmm!” – until one of them either gives up, or the mother tells them to be quite.  In this case, neither of those things happened :(

After they finally stopped (I forget when, because at this point I was thinking to myself, “Dear God, PLEASE, just get me to my stop without me going ballistic on these lil’ punks), the younger kid asks his mom – AGAIN – “Mommy, are we at our stop yet?”  She tells him they have two more stops to go before they get off the train.  The son sits back down…

…and proceeds to start up with the humming noises again: “Bzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzz!”

I was THIS close to throwing that kid off the train.

———-

Kids usually learn how to talk by the time they’re one or two years old – and once they do, they don’t slow down on their chatter until they become teenagers (at which point, if you’re lucky, they’ll be too busy trying to look cool around their friends to want to have extended conversation with you.  Consider it a blessing!)

This means that parents have to deal with their kids making constant noises with their mouths, and it can get VERY annoying at times!

Younger kids are the absolute WORST when it comes to making noise.  Once they’ve learned how to express themselves via talking, they suddenly feel the need to express EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT OR FEELING THAT COMES TO MIND. 

This is why you RARELY see kids being silent when they’re out in public with their parents.  If they aren’t trying to talk about the most recent episode of their favorite TV show or asking their parents if they can have/do/look at/touch something, they’re making some silly noise or singing the chorus to that Hannah Montana song they just heard – and they’re singing it over and over and over and over again.

And why? Just because they have a mouth and know how to make noise, that’s why!

In fact, it’s VERY hard to make a kid be quiet without the threat of violence or some other form of punishment.  I think half the reason parents ground younger kids or place them in time out is not because they did anything wrong per se, but because those adults need a small amount of time where they aren’t hearing the constant and oh-so inconsistent ramblings of a child who’s mouth just won’t stop.

And I’m the type of person who likes his quiet time.  In fact, I thrive on it – I’m a creative person, and I like to use my downtime, i.e. when nobody is around, to collect my thoughts and think about what project I’ll be working on next. 

The LAST thing I need is to have that time constantly interrupted by a young person who wants to spend 2 hours making noises and talking to me about stuff I don’t care about in the first place!  Of course, there’s no need to shut a kid up if you, like me, aren’t having them in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #37: They Look for Loopholes in What You Tell Them

May 28, 2008 · 1 Comment

I was flipping through TV channels this morning, and came across a re-run of “Malcolm in the Middle.”  The show, about 2 parents raising 3 children (with their son, Malcolm, being the middle child) and the pain that comes with it, shows GREAT examples of why I NEVER want to have children!

In the part of the episode I saw, the father had just woken up from a bad dream, and decided to walk around the house and check on things.  He entered the living room, only to find his eldest and youngest son still awake, watching porno, at 3 in the morning.

He storms up to them, turns off the TV, and says, “Hey! I thought I told you both to go to bed hours ago!”

The older one looks at his father, and says: “Well, yeah, but you didn’t tell us to go to bed NOW.  You really have to be specific when you tell us these things, Dad!”

—–

Kids aren’t REALLY as stupid as they sometimes sound.  They just like to ACT like they are so they can get their way!

Children, like most normal people, have the ability to read subtleties and/or get what a person really wants them to do when they say something.  However, children can also be VERY selfish – they always want to do what they want to do, and will usually fight, wine, cry, or scream if they aren’t getting their way.

And if none of that works, they do the next best thing: they take whatever you tell them NOT to do, and try to figure out the loopholes in what you’ve said that will allow them to do it anyway!

For example: a parent may tell their daughter: “I don’t want to see you hanging out with the neighbor’s son anymore!” 

If that daughter really wants to hang out with the neighbor’s son, though, all she will do is figure out a way to hang out with him when her parent is not around.  If her parent finds out later that she DID, in fact, hang out with the neighbor’s son (either by being told on by her younger sibling or the neighbor’s son’s parents telling her parent about what a wonderful time the two of them had together on her last visit to their house), the daughter – who may, for the most part, be smarter than Einstein – will suddenly play aloof by giving the following excuse:

“Well, YOU just said you didn’t want to SEE me hanging out with him.  You didn’t SEE me do it with your eyes, so I thought it would be okay!”

Now, the daughter KNEW what her parent meant when they said what they said!  But, because they put the word “see” in their sentence, they created a loophole their daughter thought they could drive around!

What I like about dealing with adults is, I don’t have to be so cautious of how I’m wording everything.  If I tell an adult that I’m studying and don’t want them to talk, they will usually shut up; if I tell a kid that I’m studying and don’t want them to talk, there’s always the chance they’ll start humming, singing, or making odd noises – the catch being, of course, that I told them not to TALK, but didn’t tell them not to do those other things they may now be doing.

And frankly, why should I have to deal with little people that want to act like they don’t understand the perfectly good English coming out of my mouth just because they want to get their way?  I’d rather just NOT have them around in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #36: When Nature Gives You More than One Kid at a Time…

May 27, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A mother films herself dealing with her 3 sons, two of which are twins.  I got a headache just hearing them cry!

Nothing makes me NOT want to have kids more than the idea that I could end up the father of twins, triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets, sextuplets, septuplets, and so on!

As if having ONE kid didn’t sounded torturous enough, sometimes life feels the need to play a joke on soon-to-be parents by giving them more kids to deal with at one time!

Most people who are planning to have kids do so with an idea of how much work is going to be involved in raising ONE child.  Very few, however, go about the routine of trying to create one without thinking they could end up with two or more, AT THE SAME TIME.

And if you thought having ONE child would be a lot of work, imagine how much fun dealing with TWO or more infants at once will be!

Now, instead of just hearing ONE child crying, you’ll have a multiple of little people screaming at the top of their lungs!  Instead of having to constantly buy diapers for ONE child, you’ll have to buy two to six times as many since you have a plethora of little poop machines at home!

And what does having all these kids at once do? 

1. IT RAISES YOUR FINANCES.

ONE kid is expensive enough.  Diapers, strollers, car seats, medical bills, blankets, cribs… all this stuff costs money, and people in the “baby care” manufacturing business charge a lot for these items.  Now, MULTIPLY those costs by however many kids you just had in one fell swoop, and congratulations – you’re in the poor house!

2. IT MAKES SPACE TIGHTER IN YOUR HOUSE.

You set aside that ONE room in the apartment for the ONE baby you were planning on having… and then you went and had triplets.  And you can’t afford to move into a bigger place because the medical bills to have these three kids is higher than Snoop Dogg on a rocket heading towards the moon. 

What does this mean? You barely have enough space in your place for 3 kids AND 3 times the baby items, that’s what!

3. IT CAUSES MASS CHAOS.

As they get older, things will only get more and more busy with 2 to 7 people of the same age running around.  Getting them ready for school in the mornings will be a chore; trying to get to see all of them in their various activities will be a scheduling nightmare. 

And when they hit the teenage years, LOOK OUT!  At least with siblings that have a few years between them, a parent has time to learn about a certain stage from one of them to prepare for the next one.  You mean to tell me there’s a chance I could be dealing with SEVEN 14-year olds at the same time, all of whom have ever-changing hormones in their bodies that make them horny one minute, then mad at me the next?!?

Ooh, sorry, I don’t think I’ll be signing up for THAT program anytime soon!  I’m NEVER having kids, and I’m DEFINITELY not trying to risk ending up with more than one at the same time!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #35: Kids’ TV Shows Annoy the $#!+ Outta Me

May 26, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: “Gabba Gabba” sings about the food party going on in his tummy.  I could barely sit through this 2-minute video.  If you have kids, don’t let them see this – you may end up having to sit through it more than once!

Children have the absolute WORST taste in television programs!

I remember all the shows I used to watch as a kid – “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse,” “Muppet Babies,” “Power Rangers” – and I don’t know how my parents dealt with having to watch that crap with me!

Okay, let me be fair: when kids are little, they can’t exactly watch the same things adults can.  Their immature brains aren’t intellectual enough to get the jokes on “The Tonight Show,” and they’re too young to be exposed to the curse words and situations of shows like “South Park” and “The Simpsons.”

Consequentely, they have to watch programming that plays to their age range. This usually boils down to one of three choices: cartoons, shows with puppets, or shows that teach children about certain aspects of life (i.e. spelling, numbers, manners, etc.).

And as kids, most of them are happy as punch to see any type of stimuli on television that motivates them to jump up and down, sing along, or “help” find clues with the person onscreen.

As a person who doesn’t want kids, though, I find all of those TV shows EXTREMELY annoying!

I’ve already passed the age where those types of shows are entertaining to me, or have any significance in my growing development.  Watching a purple dinosaur sing about how he loves me may have been enjoyable at age 6; at age 26, though, it just sounds like a gay dinosaur is trying to hit on me!

All those pre-schoolish songs sung on those programs are pure tourture, especially when they get stuck in my head.  I end up having to go the whole day with high-pitched bad singing and laughing in my head, and it ruins my concentration!

Furthermore, because younger kids have to be monitored on what they watch, I, as the parent, would end up having to watch most of these shows with them, or, at the very least, be in the vacinity of my kid when they were on, which would mean I’d still have to HEAR these shows. 

And the dialogue on these shows is TERRIBLE!  I’m so used to adult television being full of interesting stories, innuendo, plot twists, and so on; I can’t revert back and be forced to watch shows like “Dora the Explorer,” Barney, “Diego,” and a bunch of other horrible children’s show where I’d have to hear dialogue like this:

Hey kids! How are YOU doing today?” (Characters on screen pause and wait for your kid’s response). 

Are we going to have FUN today??” (Characters wait for response again.)

That’s GREAT!  Oh look, there’s a snail! Can you say ’snail’?” (Waits for response) “Oh, come on now! Can you say ’snail,’ boys and girls?!?

Can you say, “never, ever, EVER having kids, boys and girls?!?”

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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If You Don’t Want Kids, Don’t Date Someone Who Does… You Moron

May 25, 2008 · No Comments

In case you haven’t noticed by now, I am NEVER having kids. 

I have no desire to deal with little rugrats, anklebiters, or any other funny nicknames they can be called.  It’s just not in me.  Therefore, I feel it is only fair to date someone who also doesn’t want kids.

Apparently, though, there are people out there who, like me, do not want kids, yet are dating someone who DOES, in fact, want kids.

And to those people, I say:

STOP IT.  STOP DATING THAT PERSON RIGHT NOW.  YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME AND THEIR TIME, AND YOU NEED TO BAIL OUT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

The other day, I overheard a conversation where a guy was telling his friend about his girlfriend.  It turns out his girlfriend had recently gotten out of the hospital after having had a miscarriage.  The friend asked his buddy what he would have done if she hadn’t had the miscarriage, to which he replied:

“I don’t know.  I mean, I already told her I don’t want to have kids.  She wants them, though, and that often causes conflicts and arguments between us…”

And I thought to myself: OF COURSE IT DOES, YOU MORON!!

I find it extremly stupid for two people who have opposing desires involving children to date each other!  It’s stupid for either person to think that they are going to convince the other person to change their mind about whether or not to have kids! 

I know, I know, some of you might be thinking: “But Mr. Taylor, just because my boyfriend/girlfriend wants/doesn’t want kids right now, they may change their mind in the future!”

And that very well could happen – but let’s be real:  the chances of someone who does or doesn’t want kids changing their mind is very slim, at best.  Just because Rose and Johnny down the street had arguments about kids because Johnny didn’t want them, then changed his mind, doesn’t mean your boyfriend is going to do the same – Rose and Johnny’s case is about 1 in 100, and you shouldn’t look for it to happen.

Besides, what if it DOES happen?  Suppose your partner comes up to you one day and says, “okay, I don’t REALLY want kids, but if it’ll make YOU happy, we can have them?”  Are you supposed to be happy about that?? That other person STILL doesn’t want kids!

How do you think that person is going to treat the kid when it’s finally born??  Do you know how many mothers and fathers are left stranded to raise a kid on their own because the other person, upon the child arriving, changed their mind about wanting to be involved in any form of child-raising? 

The reality is: THEY NEVER CHANGED THEIR MIND IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

People criticize me all the time about my decision to NOT want kids, but at least I’m upfront about it with the women I date – heck, it’s one of the first things I try to bring up within the first few dates!  That way, neither of us will be wasting our time with someone who doesn’t want what we want in reference to children. 

And it’s actually EASIER to get this issue out of the way early on, instead of waiting until you’ve been with the person for 2 years.  By then you’re attached to the person, and it becomes harder to split yourself away from them should you find out they want the opposite of what you want.

So, to the people out there reading this that don’t want kids, remember: it’s not fair for you to knowingly date someone that wants kids.  Save yourself a few fights in the future, and let these women know in some way that children are NOT in your future.  You may lose a few women, but it’s better than getting stuck with a kid you didn’t really want to have around in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #34: No Extra Cargo

May 24, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A father spends almost 2 minutes trying to get his daughter to sit in her new car seat.  Talk about a time waster!

People without kids don’t have to deal with the added cargo having children brings.

It rained here in Atlanta yesterday, yet I had decided to venture out to get some lunch.  After I had finished my meal, I was just leaving the restaurant when I noticed a girl friend of mine pulling up into the parking lot.  By this time the rain was coming down something terrible, so, being the gentleman that I am, I walked over to her car with my umbrella so that I could walk her in.

As I strolled up to the car, I looked in her back seat, and noticed she had brought her infant son with her.  When I knocked on her door, she signaled for me to go around to the back car door so that I’d be able to use the umbrella to cover her son once she got him out of the car.

However, it wasn’t as simple as simply pulling him out the car.  He was sitting inside a car seat that doubled as his regular seat, which meant it, too, had to be pulled out of the car – with him still in it. 

And so, as the rain came down harder and hard on both of us, I had to spend an extra 2 minutes outside trying to figure out how to keep my golf-sized umbrella open (which, by this time, was on the verge of being blown out my hands) while giving my friend enough room to hold her small umbrella open AND remove her kid’s seat at the same time. 

Despite our best attempts at trying to keep the baby dry, the rain made sure that that didn’t happen. We ended up having to run as fast as possible to the restaurant door, with me holding the umbrella over both of them while she attempted to not drop her baby.

Needless to say, it was NOT fun.

—-

Kids’ bodies are soft, and quite fragile.  Their bones haven’t yet fully developed or gotten strong enough to withstand hard impacts, which is why they require protection. They also can’t walk very fast or get around as rapidly as their parents.

Consequently, this means that parents have to buy all these extra things to carry their kids around for the first few years.  Things like car seats, strollers, baby carrying back-packs, have to be purchased to carry the little tyke around.

Unfortunately, those things can be quite a hassle to deal with.  Installing a baby car seat can take minutes off a person’s schedule, and getting the baby to comply with sitting in it can take even longer! (See: video above).  They are heavy, can be awkward to carry, and – if not properly used – can actually cause hard to a kid should an accident occur!

Then you have strollers.  The kid can’t walk, so he has to be wheeled around.  It’s not as burdensome as the car seat, but still – it’s EXTRA cargo.  Instead of being able to walk somewhere carrying nothing with you, you have to push around 20 lbs of extra stuff.

Then, you have what I like to call the “essentials” kit – big-ass bags full of baby stuff filled with pampers, formula, baby food, baby wipes, and a plethora of other things I can’t even begin to imagine because I don’t have kids.  All I know is, whenever I see one of those bags, they always look heavy and full to the brim!  It’s bad enough I had to carry a bookbag around in school with heavy textbooks – I don’t feel the need to have to do all of that again with baby stuff!

Which reminds me – they make baby carrying bags!  Now, not only can you carry the baby’s stuff in a bag – you can carry the baby too!  Yes, nothing says “I’ll need a spine injury operation later in life” than a baby holder for your back! What fun!

Sorry, folks but I just don’t feel like cluttering up my living space with extra cargo just to protect some fragile lil’ brat – I’ll leave that to the people who actually WANT kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #33: No Need for Extra Worries

May 22, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A news report: “Could YOUR kid get infected with germs by playing at the local playground??” Only one way to find out… WATCH THIS VIDEO!

Having kids brings another unwanted side-affect to a person’s life: a sudden need to worry about everything!

I enjoy my life right now, and as such I tend not to worry about anything.  I’m the only person I have to look out for, and, since I trust myself to know how to deal with various situations should they arise, I tend to not let things scare me to the point that I’m constanly thinking about what could go wrong.

However, people who have kids seem to let their “worry” radars go from a reading of – oh, let’s say, 3 or 4 – to about 80 million*!  (*Rough estimate, of course.)

Part of the reason is, when kids are first born they have have to be constantly monitored because they WILL try to do things to kill themselves, be it something uncontrollable like falling asleep in their crib at the wrong angle (thus causing “crib death”), or something they purposefully do without knowing it could kill them, like eating dirt or walking into the street without looking.

Because a parent has to be on such high alert, especially during those first few years, they often go from worrying about little things, to EVERYTHING.  And some of the things parents start to worry about can be very, VERY stupid.

How stupid, you ask?  I’ve met parents who are adament about not letting their child drink anything with ice in it for fear of ruining their teeth!  Sure, these same adults have been drinking iced beverages since they were kids and have healthy enamels… but they had kids, started reading books, and because one book said that their kids’ teeth might not grow in right by giving them ice, the parents become freaked out whenever they spot one of those evil little cubes floating in their kids’ cups!

What’s even worse, is that parents are always seeking out things to worry about!  Look at the video above about the playground experiment.  The question at the beginning of the video was: “When children play at parks, could they be playing with danger at the same time??  Could your child be exposed to dangerous substances just by hanging out at the jungle gym, or sliding down the slide??”

A parent who catches wind of the opening of this report, then turns it off, may end up thinking: “Oh no – maybe it IS a bad idea to expose my children to playground germs… I have to go get little Billy off that swing-set!!”

And so, the parent will run out of the house, without seeing the rest of the report where, ultimately, it is found that all the bacteria found on the playground wasn’t harmful, and is already on their child’s skin.

Worst of all, though, is that the amount of things a parent worries about in reference to their child only gets bigger as the year’s progress.  Here is just a small amount of things parents end up worrying about:

  • Who their kids’ friends are
  • If their kids are talking to strangers
  • The type of foods they are eating
  • If they, as parents, are setting good examples
  • If punishing/spanking their kids will ruin them for life
  • If the school they are going to is giving them a good education
  • Is their self-esteem too low
  • Is their self-esteem too high
  • Did they wear a jacket out in the cold weather
  • Are they wearing the correct size shoes
  • Can the babysitter REALLY be trusted
  • Will they be able to take care of themselves when I’m not around
  • Did they get into the right college
  • Are they having pre-marital sex
  • Are they in with the right crowd
  • Are they doing drugs
  • Are they REALLY doing their homework
  • Will they grow up and need counselling
  • Am I being a good parent
  • Am I showing more attention to one child than the other
  • Did they tie their shoe laces
  • Will this small cold my child has turn into something deadly
  • Should I let them see that PG-13 movie even though they’re only 12 and 10
  • If they play (name of sport), will they break their leg
  • What are they doing behind my back that I don’t know about

Again, this is just a SMALL list.  Frankly, I just don’t feel the need to add this list of worries to my life, people!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #32: Divorce

May 21, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A college student tells the class about his parent’s summer divorce.  Absolutely friggin’ hilarious – pass this one around!

A divorce can affect the life of the children involved… yet they can also be the cause of a marriage break-up.

Yes, despite what millions of divorcing couples may tell their children about how it’s “not their fault that Mommy and Daddy” are breaking up, children – while not being the immediate reason for the marriage failure – CAN be a factor in their divorce.

Part of the reason for this is that when people fall in love, they focus so much on their lovey-dovey feelings for each other, yet oftentimes forget to have conversations about other important things they will face should they get married.  Things such as finances, places to live, and – most importantly – children!

Each of us was raised in a different parental environment, resulting in different outlooks on how kids should be raised.  Consequently, a couple who may really be in love with each other may have kids, then find out they have 2 very contrasting parenting styles.  One person may be a strict disiplinarian while the other may be a little more lenient on following the rules.

And the result? CONFLICT!

For example: one parent may not want their 5-year old boy watching music videos, feeling that the gratuitous booty-shaking may cause their young man to grow up and degrade women.  The other parent, meanwhile, may not mind his little boy watching the videos, figuring “Hey – at least we know he’ll grow up liking women!”

This one little issue, however, can lead to BIG fights about stupid stuff, such as which parent is REALLY looking out for the best interest of the child, who loves him more, who gets to set the rules of the house, etc.  Next thing you know, this once “loving” couple is now yelling back and forth at each other, all while little Johnny is listening in the next room!

And this is just on ONE issue!  People don’t realize how many issues suddenly pop-up once a kid arrives on the scene. Not properly discussed, it can cause two people to resent each other, or feel like the other person just doesn’t care about their needs.  Very, very sad.

Then, there are the people who knowingly get married to the wrong person!  They may have thought they’d never find true love, so they settle with someone they don’t really like just so they can have somebody.  After a few years, though, they realize they aren’t happy with that person, and decide to bail out.

In this case, the advantage of NOT having kids is simple: if a couple wants to get divorced, they can dissolve the marriage without too much of an issue.  If they have kids, however… oh boy, oh boy, what a mess it can cause!

Anyone who heard about Paul McCartney’s divorce from Heather Mills knows just how UGLY it can get, especially with kids involved.  Parents going back and forth about the other one not loving the kid, fighting for monies for child/spousal support, the dividing up of how much time the kid gets with each parent… it can be quite the mess!

And think about the affect a divorce has on a kid’s life! No matter how the parents try to soften the blow, splitting up can have long-lasting negative side affects on a kid, leading them to do stuff that’s harmful to themselves, or having feelings of depression and suicide. 

This is yet another reason why I don’t want to have kids.  I feel like I’m a pretty good judge of figuring out which women I should date or stay away from, but God forbid my judgement be wrong, and we accidentally end up having a kid, then deciding to break up!  The last thing I’d want to do is add a third person into the divorce whose life I could ruin from the impact of the event!

Remember, people: if you are dating someone and you’re thinking about marrying them, take time out to discuss the issue of kid-raising, and make sure the person you’re going to marry is one that you REALLY want to be with.  There’s no need to put a kid through pain and agony because you made a bad decision about who your spouse was going to be.

And – if you’re like me and don’t want kids – make sure you tell every girl you date about it BEFORE it gets too serious.  Nothing sucks more than dating someone for two years, marrying them, and finding out AFTER the wedding that only ONE of you wants children!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #31: Because You Can’t Always Find a Babysitter

May 20, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A Father tries to find a babysitter to look after his kid for the next evening… with no luck.  Watch it for the surprise ending!

Nothing sucks more than making plans to go out… only to discover that you can’t find a babysitter for your kids!

Me and some coworkers were invited to attend a wine class, i.e. a brief seminar to learn how to differentiate the various smells and influences wines are composed of.  Most of us got to the wine class on time, where the instructor had set up a circle of glasses, each with different ingredients – vanilla in one, strawberries in another, and so on - that we were to go around and inhale, then compare to a particular wine.

As we walked around sniffing each glass, in came another co-worker… and her 5-month old son.

Immediately, everyone’s focus shifted from the wine ingredients to the infant.  “Oh, he’s so cute!  Aw, look at him sitting in his rocker!  I wanna hold him!”

And I stood there thinking: “Well, so much for the focus being on wine!”

Of course, it didn’t help much either when, as the instructor pointed out the various ingredients of particular wine, the baby started to do the “crying whimper” (the sound a baby makes before he’s set to make a bigger cry).  The mother had to put her glass down so she could attend to her baby. 

Next thing I know, he’s being held and carried around by just about every girl in the friggin’ class, and my goal of actually learning about these wines became frivilous at best!

—-

Now, I’m sure the mother of this child didn’t really want him to be at the class.  But it was the middle of the day, and most people who would babysit – teenagers, other mothers with nothing else to do – were probably unavailable.  Consequently, she may have had no choice but to bring him along.  Hey, a kid’s gotta learn how to drink early on anyway, right?

But it made me realize something: just because there are people out there that will look after your kid, doesn’t mean you’ll always find one of them to help when you need it most.  And what does that mean?  You’ll have to carry around unwanted cargo!

Ever go to a nice restaurant and see a couple, dressed in nice clothes, trying to have a romantic evening…

…but there’s a kid in a high-chair that’s screaming his guts out for no reason? 

Do you think that couple REALLY wanted to bring the kid along with them?  OF COURSE NOT!  But chances are, the babysitter either cancelled, or they didn’t think to hire one in advance. 

And the result?  An evening filled with loud noise, baby drool, and no sex – just what I’ve always hoped for!

Personally, though, I’d much prefer to be able to make plans as little or far in advance as possible, and know that those plans can happen, as opposed to finding out at the last minute that they have to be cancelled because a babysitter couldn’t be found to look after the little ones. 

Luckily, there’s no need to hire a babysitter… when you’re NEVER having kids in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories and/or ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #30: Punishing Them = Punishing Yourself

May 19, 2008 · 3 Comments

Above: The children in the video are on a one-minute punishment.  They are looking on as the clock ticks off each second.  This video is boring, but worth watching. 

When I was 16, I did a bad thing. 

I had just gotten my driver’s license that year, so I was a relatively new driver on the road, and not always as careful as I should be.

During that summer, my mom, along with my uncles and cousins, had come to pick me up from a summer program I had attended.  Mom let me drive her car home while she rode behind me in my uncle’s car.  While making a left turn at an intersection, I jetted the car out in the road just as another car was coming.  Instead of backing up a little bit, I hit the gas peddle and drove the car into the turn, narrowly avoiding the other car.

When we got back to my uncle’s house, my mom asked me if I had seen that other car coming that almost hit me.  My answer to her was rather nonchalant – “oh, there was a car? Oh well…” – and, needless to say, she was furious.

When we got back home, my mom sat me down and calmly informed me that I would not be able to drive again… FOR THE NEXT 6 MONTHS.

And what did I do?  I took pause for a second, then calmly said to her:

“Oh.  Okay, then, I understand.”

And why was this my reaction?  Because I knew that my mom absolutely HATED driving!  The only time she drove was to get to work and to go grocery shopping; however, with the school year coming up, I knew that, because we went to private school, she’d have to drive me to school, to my play practices, my sports practices, and all the other things I’d need to go to that I’d normally be driving myself!

In short: I was okay with the punishment because I knew she’d be punishing herself in the process!

If there was a way that I could punish a kid for doing something stupid without having to face any consequences myself, I might reconsider my decision to NOT have any.

Unfortunately, that’s just not possible.  If a child does something that’s out of line, any good parent will see to it that they learn their lesson by punishing them.  However, by doing that, the parent also ends up punishing themself, too!

Here are just a few examples of how parents punish themselves as a result of some classic punishing techniques:

1. SPANKING

Whenever I was spanked as a child, I always heard the rhetoric, “This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you!” 

Now that I’m older, I see the logic in that statement.  NOBODY likes the feeling of hitting a child (unless the person is a child abuser - that doesn’t make it right, but it DOES make them feel good).  At the same time, though, trying to talk reasoning into a kid doesn’t always work, which makes spanking the last-resort effort.

I’ve never had to spank a child, but I have had to slap the wrist of a few younger cousins who thought it was okay to smack me 5 or 6 times for no reason – and even THEN, I didn’t want to do it, and felt bad about having to do so (until they started smacking me again – what is it with kids and wanting to hit older people??)  I guess hitting kids just isn’t in my “to do” list of life!

2. TIME-OUT

Oh boy, time out!  You mean I can tell a kid to go sit in a corner for 10 minutes and think about what they did?

Only one problem with that: if they’re on time-out, YOU’RE on time out, too!  You can’t just tell a kid to sit somewhere and then leave the house – that kid has to be monitored like T.I. under house arrest!  That entire time they are sitting there, you have to be in the vacinity to make sure they’re not trying to escape.  Doesn’t that sound like fun!

3. GROUNDING.

Grounding is basically time-out, extended.  Instead of a few minutes, grounding can last anywhere from a day to a month, depending on the severity of the child’s “crime.”

This can immediately put your life on hold.  You may have had things you wanted to do during that time – go out of town, take the kids on a surprise dinner outing, kayak – but because the kid did something moronic (and since you’d like to at least pretend to be a good disiplinarian), you have to punish them, thereby cutting off activities you yourself may have been looking forward to!

So, no thanks – I have too much stuff I’d like to be able to do, without having to distract myself thinking of some punishment for a child that I’d then have to be around for to enforce!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories and/or ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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My YouTube Ad for “WhyImNeverHavingKids.com”

May 18, 2008 · 3 Comments

First off, I just wanted to thank all of the people that have been stopping by my website!  It’s really been picking up traffic in the last few days, and I’m loving the comments and emails I’ve been receiving!

Of course, I’m always thinking of inventive ways to get the word out about “WhyImNeverHavingKids.com”, so I decided to do a few video ads and post them on YouTube!

Here is one of the ads I’ve posted up – it has clips of the video of the  ”Soulja Girl” that went crazy in Atlanta on one of the MARTA trains (the full clip of which can be located in “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #27: Kids Born with “Issues” Are No Fun 2 Raise“).  The ad has been quite successful so far, and I hope the ads I put up in the future work just as well!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #29: No Desire to Become a Nag

May 18, 2008 · No Comments

 

(Above: A Mother takes stock of all the things she would tell her kids in a 24-hour period… and narrows it down into a 2-minute and 55-second song.  In short, it’s hilarious!)

Nagging.  It’s the second-most under-reported crime in the world, next to theft of grapes at the grocery store (admit it, we ALL take a few grapes from the store!!)

Nagging is when a person tries to sound helpful by giving another person advice in a nice way… yet, somehow, it sounds like they’re complaining at the same time, which makes it sound very annoying as a result.  And who are the people most responsible for this under-reported crime?

PARENTS, that’s who!

Because a parent’s main purpose is to see to it that their child doesn’t kill themselves, they can often be heard telling their kids things that sound helpful to their child’s well-being.  Unfortunately, because kids like to do whatever they like, they have to be told, quite often, to do the opposite of what’s against their instinct.  Consequently, the things parents say to their kids can, overtime, go from sounding helpful… to sounding like they’re nagging.

The thing that sucks the worst about it?  Not everything a parent nags their kid about is really worth telling them in the first place!  For example, if it’s 50 degrees outside, and a kid is about to go outside without a coat on, a parent might yell, “hey, don’t forget your coat, or you’ll catch a cold and die!”  Yet, the last time I checked, very few kids have died from going 30 minutes without added coat-padding.

Unfortunately, because there’s so much stuff parents feel is worth nagging their kids about, it can become hard to decipher what and when to say these things.  The result? The parent becomes something they promised themself they would never be: a nag!

Just think of all the wonderful nagging phrases YOU’LL get to say if you decide to have kids:

* “Don’t touch that, it’s dangerous!”

* “Drink all your milk, or you’ll have weak bones and grow up with calcium deficiency!”

* “Make sure you brush your teeth before you go outside!”

* “Do your homework before you watch TV!”

* “Don’t chew on that ice, you’ll ruin your teeth!”

* “You’d better clean your room or you’re grounded, mister/missy!”

* “How many times do I have to tell you to… (insert name of item they have yet to do)?!?”

* “Have you finished eating your vegetables?!?”

Doesn’t being a person who nags all the time sound like fun?  Oh, what’s that? It doesn’t sound appealing to you?  Well, in that case, maybe YOU – like me – shouldn’t EVER have kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

 

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #28: “Watch It, Old Man…”

May 17, 2008 · 1 Comment

I wish I was making up the story I’m about to tell you, but it’s a GREAT example of the kind of crap I don’t feel like dealing with when it comes to kids…

While I was out eating with my friends yesterday, a party of 14 people - 6 of them kids – sat next to our table.  The waiter had gone around and taken food orders from 12 of the people, and was waiting on the remaining two to come back from the bathroom – an old man, and a younger kid, who looked to be about 3 or 4 years old.

Upon returning from the bathroom, the old man and the young kid sat down in their seats.  The old man proceeds to tell the waiter that he’d like… well, something – I couldn’t really hear him too well, but he ordered his food, and the waiter proceeded to ask the young kid what he wanted to eat.

The kid started stuttering: “I want the… the fries and… fries… I want the fries, and…”

The old man, who must have thought the kid hadn’t fully looked at the kids’ menu, picked it up and started reading the choices off to him:

“Let’s see: they have pizza and fries, kids’ steak and fries, buttered noodles…”

The kid interupts the old man:

“Grand-daaaad! I was going to say I wanted the fries and the chicken fingers!”

The old man looks up at the waiter:

“He’ll have the chicken fingers and fries, then.”

As the waiter is writing down the order, the younger kid looks up to his grandfather, and – in the most loving way possible – says to him:

“You’d better watch it, old man – I’ll punch you and knock those glasses off your face!!”

OMG, you’ve GOT to be kidding me!!

I nearly burst out laughing at my table, but didn’t want the party to overhear me.  At the same time, though, I thought to myself…

“Is anybody going to disipline this kid for SAYING that in the first place?!?”

Kids need to be put in their place when they talk to an adult in a way that is out of manner, and it sucks when parents allow their kids to treat older people any way they see fit.  What sucks even worse, though, is that kids do this from time to time to see how close to the line they can edge without getting in trouble for it.

The fact that this kid was able to say this and not be repremanded by ANYONE speaks VOLUMES about what he’s able to get away with at home.  But I understand – it must be tiring for a parent to have to disipline a child over and over for the constantly stupid things they do.

Lucky for me, I won’t have to DEAL with it because I’m NEVER having kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #27: Kids Born with “Issues” Are No Fun 2 Raise

May 16, 2008 · No Comments

(Above: A 25-year old woman goes crazy on an 82-year old lady while riding a MARTA train in Atlanta.  WARNING: Video contains hilariously strong language.)

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last week, most of you have seen the video of the “Soulja Girl” going crazy on some old lady on a MARTA train in Atlanta.  (And in case you haven’t, it’s the video pasted above this paragraph, so check it out!)

The actions of this woman -who not only cussed at an old lady, but also claimed that one of the guys on the train raped her, and proceeded to yell, jump, and move rapidly back and forth – were explained by her mother, who called in to a radio show to tell the hosts that were child had bi-polar disease, and had recently decided to stop taking her medicine, resulting in her outlandish behavior.

The woman in question is currently 25, yet if this incident is any indication of how she was as a kid, I can’t even begin to imagine what her poor mother went through while raising her!

Children who are born with health issues – be they mental, physical, or life-threatening – are NOT fun to look after.  Yes, you can have a handicapped child and have moments of fun and pleasure with them just like other children, but let’s be real: there’s a LOT more work that has to be put into raising a kid with a serious medical condition.

Think about the follwowing:

1. A kid born with bi-polar disease has to consistently be on special medication, which can cost thousands of dollars over the kid’s lifetime (or at least the 1st 18 years before they start paying for their own meds).  Add to that the fact that they can go ballistic when they have an “episode,” and you’re left raising a ticking time-bomb that can go off at any minute!

2. A kid born with some type of physical defect – legs that don’t work, various body parts missing, etc. – has to be handled like a fragile piece of China, espeically during those first few years.  Kids in wheelchairs have to be pushed around, and even when they can finally wheel themselves, parents have to take extra precautions to see that every place they go has handicapped accessibility. 

Not to mention the various therapy sessions they have to go to (in hopes of getting that non-working appendage to work), the constant battle to uplift their self-esteem when they’re left out of stuff  they physically can’t do (like joining the Boy-Scouts and being the only one that can’t participate in the mile-long swim), and you’ve got a kid that makes raising it even MORE of a job!

3. Kids with mental isssues aren’t fun either.  Because their brains aren’t functioning at 100%, they can be quite a hassle to get under control.  They may be happy one minute, then screaming at the top of their lungs the next.  They also may not be able to verbally communicate what they are trying to express, consequently frustrating not only themselves, but everyone else in the process! 

Note: this is not meant to be a diss on kids who are already born and have any of these deficiencies, and if you already have a kid with these types of issues, I applaud you for being able to handle them on a daily basis. 

I just know that, for me personally, I already know how much work goes into raising a kid, and – seeing as I’m clearly not up for the task – I definitely don’t want any chances of having to add to that workload by having a kid who’s born with added challenges. 

Plus, the last thing I want to do is have to explain to the world why my kid felt the need to take a crap – in public – on the statue of Abraham Lincoln.  Yuuuuuuuuuule!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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