Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #17: Restaurant Blues

April 29, 2008 · No Comments

In the past week, I’ve eaten at quite a few restaurants (mostly because I’ve been on vacation), and at each of these restaurants I’ve noticed a repeated theme:

Parents with annoying kids!

I’ve seen so many incidents where adults have come in with their kids, and the chaotic incidents that result, that I couldn’t just come up with one particular incident to write about. But it’s easy to see why – it’s not just this week, but kids in restaurants in general that piss me off!

One of the reasons I don’t want to have kids is because taking them out to eat at a restaurant can be quite the hassle – and not just for the parents. There’s a whole section of people that get pissed off as a result of parents taking their kids out to eat. Let’s go through the list, shall we?



Parents know prior to taking their baby/kid out to a restaurant if they are going to act out or not. Some people would just say, “well, if they know, why don’t they just leave the kid home with a babysitter?”

The truth of the matter, though, is that stuff sometimes happens that forces the parent to drag the little brats along: the babysitter has to study for a test, Grandma can’t make it due to her bad hip, etc. The point is, when they can’t get someone to look after their kid, they have to take them out to eat with them.

And it sucks, because parents HATE getting embarrassed by kids in public. Look at all the hassles they cause: they cry, they wiggle around, they make messes, and worse – if the kid is under a year old, they may have to be breastfed. Nothing a new mother loves more than having to whip out her tig ol’ biddies in public just because baby’s gotta drink, too!

And that’s just babies – don’t get me started on older kids! They whine about what foods they want, and for some reason they just can’t seem to keep their little butts still! If the parents don’t bring along a bundle of toys or DVDs to play with, they usually end up playing hide-and-go seek with their siblings by running around the restaurant! What kinda bull-spit is that?!?

Then, since kids usually eat faster than adults, they end up sitting there looking all upset that they can’t leave the restaurant yet because the grown-ups are still eating!! Is this the kind of behavior I want to deal with everytime I want to go out for a nice meal? Uh, NO!

Besides, with kids I probably wouldn’t get to enjoy the meal anyway! Between me having to constantly leave the table with one of them to explain over and over again why their behavior isn’t approriate, and having them want to tell me stories about stuff I’m definately NOT interested in (”Daddy, guess what Hannah Montana did today??”), I’d barely have time to sip on my drink!


Servers HATE tables with kids.

Don’t think for a second that a waiter gets all excited about serving a table that has any young people at it – it’s pure HELL. Why? For several reasons:

*Kids are messy: That server already knows they will have to clean up a HUGE amount of mess after that table leaves, thereby distracting them from dealing with other tables and affecting their money.

*Kids are shy: A cute quality to have when they’re too scared to speak up at their own house, but an ANNOYING quality to have when the parents insist upon having the kid tell the waiter what they want to eat!

*Kids throw fits: If something arrives at the table wrong, they don’t politely ask if it can be fixed. No, kids act like it’s the end of the world, and start crying and complaining with no sense of respect!


If I go to a restaurant, and notice that the table next to me has infants and/or young children sitting at it, I ask to move! Why?


When kids get upset at restaurants, they cry. And most kids I’ve heard crying at restaurants have no sense of voice pitch control, so their crying usually ends up sounding like a loud siren.

People who dine around these kids always wish they could switch sections! There they are, trying to enjoy a fabulous meal in honor of an anniversary, first date, etc., and, just as the man goes in to whisper sweet nothings in his date’s ear…


Now they’ve lost their appetite, AND they’re no longer in the mood for some lovin’ later!

Let’s face it people: no matter how much you may like kids, seeing or hearing one of these little brats in a restaurant is annoying enough to make ANYONE have second thoughts about having their own! Personally, I’d much rather spend the rest of my life knowing I can go out and eat in peace…

…instead of having to spend my outings stuck in the bathroom trying to disipline some crying rugrat!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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