Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Entries from April 2008

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #17: Restaurant Blues

April 29, 2008 · No Comments

In the past week, I’ve eaten at quite a few restaurants (mostly because I’ve been on vacation), and at each of these restaurants I’ve noticed a repeated theme:

Parents with annoying kids!

I’ve seen so many incidents where adults have come in with their kids, and the chaotic incidents that result, that I couldn’t just come up with one particular incident to write about. But it’s easy to see why – it’s not just this week, but kids in restaurants in general that piss me off!

One of the reasons I don’t want to have kids is because taking them out to eat at a restaurant can be quite the hassle – and not just for the parents. There’s a whole section of people that get pissed off as a result of parents taking their kids out to eat. Let’s go through the list, shall we?

PEOPLE ANNOYED BY KIDS AT RESTAURANTS:

1. PARENTS.

Parents know prior to taking their baby/kid out to a restaurant if they are going to act out or not. Some people would just say, “well, if they know, why don’t they just leave the kid home with a babysitter?”

The truth of the matter, though, is that stuff sometimes happens that forces the parent to drag the little brats along: the babysitter has to study for a test, Grandma can’t make it due to her bad hip, etc. The point is, when they can’t get someone to look after their kid, they have to take them out to eat with them.

And it sucks, because parents HATE getting embarrassed by kids in public. Look at all the hassles they cause: they cry, they wiggle around, they make messes, and worse – if the kid is under a year old, they may have to be breastfed. Nothing a new mother loves more than having to whip out her tig ol’ biddies in public just because baby’s gotta drink, too!

And that’s just babies – don’t get me started on older kids! They whine about what foods they want, and for some reason they just can’t seem to keep their little butts still! If the parents don’t bring along a bundle of toys or DVDs to play with, they usually end up playing hide-and-go seek with their siblings by running around the restaurant! What kinda bull-spit is that?!?

Then, since kids usually eat faster than adults, they end up sitting there looking all upset that they can’t leave the restaurant yet because the grown-ups are still eating!! Is this the kind of behavior I want to deal with everytime I want to go out for a nice meal? Uh, NO!

Besides, with kids I probably wouldn’t get to enjoy the meal anyway! Between me having to constantly leave the table with one of them to explain over and over again why their behavior isn’t approriate, and having them want to tell me stories about stuff I’m definately NOT interested in (”Daddy, guess what Hannah Montana did today??”), I’d barely have time to sip on my drink!

2. THE SERVERS

Servers HATE tables with kids.

Don’t think for a second that a waiter gets all excited about serving a table that has any young people at it – it’s pure HELL. Why? For several reasons:

*Kids are messy: That server already knows they will have to clean up a HUGE amount of mess after that table leaves, thereby distracting them from dealing with other tables and affecting their money.

*Kids are shy: A cute quality to have when they’re too scared to speak up at their own house, but an ANNOYING quality to have when the parents insist upon having the kid tell the waiter what they want to eat!

*Kids throw fits: If something arrives at the table wrong, they don’t politely ask if it can be fixed. No, kids act like it’s the end of the world, and start crying and complaining with no sense of respect!

3. OTHER DINERS

If I go to a restaurant, and notice that the table next to me has infants and/or young children sitting at it, I ask to move! Why?

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT SOME ANNOYING STUFF WILL GO DOWN IF I DON’T!

When kids get upset at restaurants, they cry. And most kids I’ve heard crying at restaurants have no sense of voice pitch control, so their crying usually ends up sounding like a loud siren.

People who dine around these kids always wish they could switch sections! There they are, trying to enjoy a fabulous meal in honor of an anniversary, first date, etc., and, just as the man goes in to whisper sweet nothings in his date’s ear…

“W-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! W-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

Now they’ve lost their appetite, AND they’re no longer in the mood for some lovin’ later!

Let’s face it people: no matter how much you may like kids, seeing or hearing one of these little brats in a restaurant is annoying enough to make ANYONE have second thoughts about having their own! Personally, I’d much rather spend the rest of my life knowing I can go out and eat in peace…

…instead of having to spend my outings stuck in the bathroom trying to disipline some crying rugrat!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Uncategorized
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #16: Chicken Fingers

April 21, 2008 · No Comments

Even when I’m on vacation, I can’t seem to get away from annoying kids!

Such is the case with last night’s outing: me and my friends had just arrived in Tampa, Florida, for some much needed rest and relaxation. After arriving at a friend’s house, we all agreed that we needed something to eat. One of the tenants of the house mentioned that there was a KFC/Long John Silver’s fast food place nearby, so we headed on over to get a bite to eat.

We get to the place and stand in line to figure out what we want. As I’m waiting for my turn to order, in walks an older gentleman – VERY older gentleman – and his granddaughter, who looks to be about 5 or 6. The little girl proceeds to hang onto the stand-in-line bar and swing back and forth with her feet dangling near the ground. Meanwhile, the grandfather is looking at the menu deciding on what he wants to order.

That’s when the granddaughter decides to chime in: “I wanna get chicken fingers!”

The granddad say, “okay, honey, wait until we get up there.” So far, nothing too annoying, right?

After I place my order, I shift myself to the right while the old man heads up to the front of the line. He must have had other people at home to get food for because he starts listing off a litany of food items he’d like to get… but he has yet to mention the word “chicken fingers.”

The little girl, realizing this slight, starts going off: “Granddad, I want chicken fingers!”

Grandfather: “I know, honey, wait a minute..” He then goes back to placing the order.

Little Girl: “I WANT CHICKEN FINGERS! I WANT CHICKEN FINGERS!!” She starts tugging at her grandfather’s pant leg: “GRAAN-DAAAD, I WANT CHICKEN FINGERS! Get me some chicken fingers!!”

Sigh… I can only imagine this guy was happy that this girl was only his GRAND-daughter, and that he didn’t have to raise her 24-7. Lord knows I was!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #15: Clothes Shopping, Interrupted

April 18, 2008 · No Comments

I stopped by the Old Navy store this evening to look for swimwear to wear at the beach during my vacation next week to Tampa, FL. Nothing like the idea of sun, sand and surf to make a guy actually want to shop for swimming trunks!

As I headed towards the men section, the entrance door to the store opened behind me. In walks a mother, along with her, oh, we’ll say 2 year old son, walking behind her. SLOOOOOOOOWLY. The mother was about 10 steps ahead of her kid, whom she kept saying “come on, cooooooome on” to. I guess she didn’t realize that kids have short legs, and only have two speeds: slow walk or fast run.

Eventually he caught up to his mom, and they walked off to the back of the store near the young kids section. I, meanwhile, found a pair of swimming trunks in both medium and large, and went to the fitting room to see which size fit better.

After trying the trunks on and deciding on which size to get (medium, in case you were curious), I went to hang back up the other pair of trunks. As I walked over to the men’s section, I could hear screaming and crying coming from the young kids’ department.

Upon further investigation… it turns out, this mother was trying to get this lil’ crumb-snatcher to try on a hat, and he just wasn’t having it today! The mother had found a nice little white hat with a brim around it, and was looking to see if it would fit on his head. Here’s how the scenario played out:

Mom (as she’s trying to put the hat on his head): “Aww, look, wouldn’t that look good on you?”

Crumb-snatcher: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” (Runs around kids section trying to get away from his Mom)

Mom: “Don’t run! Come back here!”

Crumb-snatcher (In a high-pitched tone only dogs can understand): “NOOOOOOOOOOOOaaa!”

This exchange was still continuing at the back of the store while I was in the purchase line. All I could think was, I’m glad I’m not the one taking him shopping… or parenting him, for that matter!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #14: Hannah Montana Blues at Wal-mart

April 16, 2008 · No Comments

After a late night at work, me and a collegue of mine headed over to Wal-mart. She needed to buy some super-glue, and I needed to buy some Cranapple Juice, along with Janet Jackson’s latest CD.

While in line to purchase my items, I saw a man and a woman walking towards the line next to me, along with their daughter, who looked to be about 5 or 6. In her hands was a boxed-up toy doll version of Hannah Montana, the latest Disney star to have blown up around the country, thanks in part to her TV show and concert tour which has been sold out everywhere. (FYI: I bought a bunch of tickets to her show a couple of months ago, and made over $700 selling them to desperate parents on eBay. Hooray for capitalism!)

Anyway, the daughter was about to try and open this doll in the store, when her mom tried to grab the box from her and say, “you’ll have to wait until we get home to open it.”

Let’s just say, that phrase wasn’t going over too well with her daughter. Next thing I know, I hear a loud “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”, followed by the little kid running halfway across Wal-mart trying to get away from her parents!

The mom, looking tired and frustrated, ran after her daughter. After catching up to her, she grabbed her daughter by the hand and walked her over to the check-out line. The mother placed the toy up so the lady could scan it, then gave the box back to the daughter. Once again, the daughter tried to open it, and the mother, looking afraid to say anything for fear of another outburst, said, again: “Why don’t we just wait until we get home to open up the doll, sweetie?”

And the daughter’s reaction: “Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”

The kid was still screaming as me and my co-worker left Wal-mart. We both said to each other, “if that was MY kid, she wouldn’t be getting anything!”

Luckily, I’ll never have to deal with that option :)

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #13: Which One’s The Baby??

April 9, 2008 · No Comments

In case you haven’t noticed, I catch the train a LOT. I don’t have a car at the moment, so I’m forced to travel the city on the MARTA train. It sucks, but it gives me great material for blogging, especially when it comes to observing kids.

I was on my way to work yesterday, and while waiting for the train I saw a mother with a newborn baby. How do I know it was a newborn, you ask? Well, it was small, wrapped up in a blanket that was thicker than the padding for a box of fragile China, and the mother had a bag full of toddler items sitting on both sides of her.

At one point, the mother took out a tissue and started wiping the babies nose. I hate seeing babies with crust around their noses, and wiping snot off a kid is just one of the many reasons I don’t want to have them.

The baby didn’t act up in any way, but I did notice something rather funny. The mother was trying to transport items from the bag to use for the baby, one of those being a pacifier. As she was getting the pacifier out of the bag, the southbound train she was waiting for started to arrive. Without a second thought, the mother placed the pacifier in her OWN mouth, gathered her things, and waited for the train to stop so she could get on it.

That’s right, ladies and gentleman: a grown woman… sucking on a pacifier. Because nothing says “I’ve been trapped into the world of parenthood” like reverting back to looking like a baby!

Luckily, that’s something I’ll NEVER have to deal with!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #12: Mall Rug Rats

April 4, 2008 · No Comments

Taking a lunch break from my job, I decided to mosey on over to the mall to get some food. First, though, I wanted to stop by the Apple Store to check any emails I may have gotten this morning (since you can use the computers at their store for free – take THAT, FedEx!)

En route to get to the store, I passed 3 women, 2 of whom had strollers. I pondered why the third woman didn’t have a stroller since moms tend to roll together with their children… a few feet ahead, though, I found my answer. The third child – a daughter who was a bit too big for a stroller – was lying face down in the middle of the mall floor.

Now, to me, this is pretty disgusting – I mean, people who may have stepped in God knows what all day may have stepped there – but I’m pretty sure I did this kind of thing as a kid, too. I was about to pass by this kid without thinking anything else about it, when suddenly, I heard the mom say:

“Okay, honey, get up from the floor and come over here!”

I could sense it about to happen before it happened, and sure enough…

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaaaa- aaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

The kid started screaming its lungs out. And what did the mother do?

“Okay, honey, that’s ONE!” Ooooh, like saying “that’s one” is REALLY going to make a kid want to shut-up. Sure enough, the kid cried out one more time before the mother finally got off her butt, picked the kid up off the ground and sat her back down with the rest of the ladies.

As for me, I walked away, thanking GOD this kid – or any other kid for that matter – was NOT mine!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent
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