Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #10: Christmastime Panic for Parents Who LIED to Their Kids About Santa’s Existence

March 28, 2008 · No Comments

(Note: This note was originally written during Christmas 2007.)

With this being the Christmas season, I have noticed something that makes me not want to be a parent, regardless of how good my children would have come out to be. And that thing, my friends, is DESPERATION.

As I’m typing this, I have had the proud distinction of purchasing 5 Nintendo Wiis within the last year – yet, despite my ease of getting these systems (mostly through Craig’s List, all under $300), there are still thousands of people out there who have yet to actually get their hands on one. One of these groups of people are known as “parents.”

I already knew there would be even more hysteria leading up to the holidays for this system… but I had no idea that the pandemonium for it would be the same, or even GREATER, than when the system first launched a year ago. There are a plethora of stores getting Wiis in this weekend, and parents are already talking about camping out overnight to get one for their little ones.

The question is, why? Why do they feel the need to get something so desperately for their kid, instead of just saying, “sorry, you’ll have to get one later?”

Answer: Because they LIED to their kids by telling them all about the wonderful powers of “Santa Claus,” and now they have to feed the lie by getting them the one thing their kid asked Santa for. What morons!

Peep the situation I had a few days ago….

Okay, so I sold a Nintendo Wii to this one guy for $500, and still had one more Wii left to sell. Since this Wii didn’t have any games with it, and the flap that covered the 4-controller port for Gamecube controllers was not there, I decided to put it up on Craig’s List for $250, i.e. $20 less than store price (after taxes.)

I put it up on Craig’s List, went to take a 10-minute shower, and when I came back and checked my hotmail, I already had 5 offers on it! I called the first person who sent me a message, and promised I would give it to her later in the day.

However, the second person who had written me and tried to call me – but I had accidentally placed up the wrong number – also wanted the system. When I got in contact with her, I told her the unit had already been promised to someone else.

That’s when the desperation set in.

I kid you not, this woman – who lived almost an hour away from me – was willing to drive all the way down to where I live to pick this system up, and pay me $10 extra dollars for it! Then, she told me her sob story – here are the highlights:

* “I’m a single mother, and I can’t afford the outrageous prices everyone else is trying to set for this system!” (My response: you should have made better choices about who got you pregnant! <<– No, I did not actually say this to her, but I certainly did think it!)

* “This is all that my son really wants for Christmas!” (My response… so the f–k what? He’s a kid! If he doesn’t get it, he’ll be upset for a day or two and then get over it!)

* “I tried to tell him that Santa might not be able to bring it to him this year, but he’s too young to understand. He just believes that since it’s Santa, he HAS to bring it to him!” (My response: Hey, no one ever told you that you HAD to make your kid believe in Santa! If you decided to tell that lie, you should have been prepared with a bigger wallet to back your claims up when something this expensive comes out that your kid is going to want!)

This is why I never liked the whole “Santa is real” ficade that parents put on for their kids – it ends up backing the parent’s asses into a corner when something like a Tickle-Me-Elmo, Wii, cabbage patch doll, or any of the other hard-to-get toys over the years comes out.

If – and this is a BIIIIIIG “IF” – I had kids, believing in Santa Claus wouldn’t even be an option! What, I’m supposed to tell him that a fat white guy’s gonna break into our house each year, steal our cookies and leave us any gift we want?!? What if my kid ended up wanting a PS3 last year – that would have been $600 out of MY pocket, and I probbably would have waited in line only to be disappointed when I didn’t get one! Oh great, and now I get to feel double guilty because I couldn’t get the gift, AND my kid’s upset on Christmas because “Santa” punked out?!?


As sad as the woman’s story was – and I was thiiiiiiis close to selling it to her instead – ultimately, I had to be a man of my word and sell it to the first person I promised it to. I had to call MY mom and tell her the situation, to which she replied: “eh, she’s a mother. We get over these things pretty fast.”

Good thing to know, but I just hope I never have to deal with it in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People
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