Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #9: Easter Weekend With My Young Cousins

March 25, 2008 · No Comments

Given the Easter Weekend visit I just had and the people I saw – two of which were my younger cousins – I felt it appropriate to use my story as further explanation of why I, A.P. Taylor, have absolutely NO desire to ever have kids for as long as I live (and hereafter – so much for the sperm bank!)

Let’s start with a brief description, shall we? BTW, names will not be used, so they will be called “Girl Cousin” and “Boy Cousin.” Pretty easy, ain’t it?

Cousin 1: Girl Cousin. Age is 7 years old. She’s very articulate, and even knows a few big words.

Cousin 2: Boy Cousin. Age is 3 years old. He doesn’t talk much, and when he does it’s usually in screams, yelps, or one-worded phrases that you have to decipher into full sentences. Oh yeah – and he likes to cry. A LOT.

Here are just a few of the highlights from the evening to illustrate the type of annoying things kids do that I just don’t feel like dealing with:


Upon entering my aunt’s house, the girl cousin runs up to me, hugs me… and then hits me. HARD. She does this almost every time she sees me, and I’ve told her over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…. and over again to NOT hit me.

For some reason, kids tend to think it’s cute when they hit someone, but I’m 25, and to this day I don’t even like to fake wrestle with someone unless it’s my brother. And maybe a supermodel in a bikini… but I’m off subject. The point is, someone who is 7 has no business hitting anyone older than her, especially a GUY – and me, I don’t care who it is: if they feel big enough to hit me, I don’t want to see them crying or acting all surprised when I hit them back!

This Girl Cousin kept coming up to me and hitting me ad nauseum for most of the night. It finally got to the point where I actually DID have to hit her back, and after hitting her in the stomach (read: a HIT, not a punch, people), she finally backed off for a while and left me alone. Judge me if you like, but after being hit 30 times and telling her to stop 29 times, even Michael Jackson would have hit on them. Hmm, probably not the wisest words to associate with MJ…


Kids cry, and it pisses me off. Not because they’re crying, but because it’s usually over something stupid.

For example: unbeknownst to me, my Boy Cousin has made himself the ambassador of the microwave door. Anytime someone has to microwave food, he makes it his duty – no, his life calling – to be present to open the door when the food is ready to be taken out.

So, imagine my surprise when, upon placing my food into the microwave, he comes running in from the next room over and stands next to me. I don’t know what the heck is going on, so I open the door and take my food out. I see him trying to stop me, and I’m looking at him like he’s crazy. I open the microwave door, take my food out, and close it.

2 seconds later, he starts crying. LOUD. I didn’t know crying could include so much screaming.

Later in the evening, I have my digital camera out to take some pictures. I place it on the table so I can finish eating some dessert, and Boy Cousin comes over and tries to take my camera, claiming that it is now “MINE!” Knowing that he doesn’t have $129 to replace my camera if he brakes it, I remove the camera from the table and place it into my pocket

2 seconds later, he starts crying. LOUD. See statement 2 paragraphs above.

And it goes on and on like this for most of the night, with him either wanting to do something or not quite getting his way, and crying. Now, as a grown-@$$ man, I have the option to decide if I want to deal with a young kid crying everytime he doesn’t get his way, and, unlike a lot of people, I have decided that, given the option, I’d rather stick my finger in a blender and see my fingers get chopped off than have to hear a kid cry for 14 out of 24 hours!

Oh, but there’s more!


I don’t like having to be on guard for my expensive items all day. I buy laptops, high-tech phones, studio microphones, video game systems, etc., and the last thing I need is for some kid who had no idea what they are doing “accidentally” break it!

After Easter dinner – which we actually had at my aunt’s parent-in-laws house – I drove the 5-minute drive back to my aunt’s house so I could get some tupperware to take back to the other house and pack up some food. Prior to leaving my aunt’s house, I set up my laptop on the dining room table to make copies of CDs for my older cousin (she’s 30). I placed a blank disc into the laptop, hit the record button, and headed back to my aunt’s parent-in-laws’ house.

Imagine my surprise when, upon entering back into my aunt’s house, I see my Girl Cousin crying, my cousin scrubbing the side panel of my laptop, and her father standing in the kitchen doorway telling his daughter to explain what she “did” while I was gone.

Turns out, she had taken a permanent marker to my laptop and written my name on it! This is a 7-year old girl who does great in school, and appears to be full of common sense… yet, lo and behold, she does a typical stupid “kid” move: writing on things that aren’t hers simply because she felt like it!

Luckily, the laptop wasn’t damaged, and my older cousin was able to use bleach to get it out after 15 minutes of hard scrubbing. Oh, but it gets better…


After my Girl Cousin told me what she did, I went over to the laptop and saw that the marking was gone. I felt like, since there was no permanent damage, it was no big deal.

My Girl Cousin’s father pulls me into the kitchen and says to me, “you can’t let her get away with that. You have to discipline her so she’ll respect you and your stuff.”

Oh great, I thought to myself: here I am, being pulled into a matter where I have to discipline this kid to respect me… and she’s not even MY kid! It’s not like I practice this everyday like parents and teachers do – I prefer spending time around other adults, and thus am not comfortable at all with having to further sternly warn a 7-year old about the dangers of touching my stuff!

But it’s more than that: I don’t feel like teaching or disciplining ANY kids, ever! Heck, when I was a kid I used to try and tell other kids my age the reasons why they shouldn’t do this or that because it was stupid, and I usually got ignored – I can’t imagine having to want to relive the whole “let me try and make you less stupid” phase of my life!

So I had to go over to my Girl Cousin, and explain to her that, unless she had $500 to replace my items, she best not touch my stuff without asking. Woo-hoo, yay me, I got to tell a kid what to do – someone give me a gold sticker!


I’m sorry, but seeing as I have a college degree, I really don’t feel like having to revert back to speaking/acting like a 5-year old to communicate with a younger crowd.

My cousins were watching Disney Channel cartoons while surfing online at the latest “High School Musical 2″ site. My heydays of cartoon watching consisted of Muppet Babies and Ninja Turtles, and now that I’m past that stage I really don’t feel the need to be sucked into having to purchase the latest Hannah Montana, Fairly Odd-Parents or other kiddie-type merchandise. Personally, if I had kids that were clamouring for all this stuff, I’d tell them to learn how to drive, get a JOB, and buy the toys themselves!

I hope this small insight into my Easter weekend experience has shown you all why I have no desire to have children. Yes, I know, children are our future, they brighten up your day, blah blah blah – yeah, if you’re into that sort of thing. But to me, kids are like spam: they’re not for everybody.

Actually, kids are more like ice cream: most people like them, but I’m lactose intolerant, and they make me want to throw up and lock myself in a bathroom for 3 days.

Oh yeah: for those of you who want to think of some logical reason as to WHY these kids were acting this way: DON’T. No, it’s not because their parents (i.e. my cousins – these kid cousins are second cousins) are bad people (they’re not); No, it’s not because they’re bad people (they’re actually quite nice most of the time); and NO, it’s not a thousand other reasons you may try to think up for why they acted like morons.

The best explanation is usually the simplest one, and in this case it’s very simple: they acted like morons because, like all kids, the world revolves around them and their needs, which, in turn, causes kids to do stuff and/or react in ways most pleasing to them, regardless of how others may feel about it. Sickening, ain’t it?

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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