Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Kids – They’re Not ALL Bad (As Long As They Aren’t Mine)

March 14, 2008 · No Comments


Don’t think for a second that the title of my blogs signifies in any way, shape, or form that I want kids.

Truthfully, I had another blog I was going to add to my ever-growing list of “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” – specifically, what I thought were snow flakes and/or dust particles falling on me while I played my Nintendo DS on the bus the other day turned out to be some kid’s dandruff he had been scratching from his head (c’mon, maaan, that’s just disgusting!!)…

…but then I came to Birmingham to do some promotional work, and stayed at my aunt’s house where my older cousin and her two kids happen to be staying for the weekend.

I will admit – there is a certain point in a child’s growth where they go from being annoying… to being less annoying. I think that point is when they start going to school, and they start to learn stuff, and can start to have conversations that sound somewhat intelligent.

The older of my two younger cousins is about to go into 2nd grade, and we’ve been getting along great. Which is funny, because I remember how annoying she was to be around just 3 years ago: always talking and vying for attention, crying at everything, constantly wanting to play when the rest of us were tired and/or wanted to focus attention on something else…

This is the aspect of raising kids that I don’t have the patience for. Because, until they finally reach the stage where I can tolerate them somewhat, I have to spend YEARS going through the other stages.

Like, for example, my other cousin, the 2-year old. He’s at the “if I can’t have it I’m going to scream and cry about it” stage. For example: I took out my Nintendo DS to play, and I was letting him and his sister watch me play. He reaches out for the screen and grabs the system, and I look at him and say – in a kind voice, mind you (I mean, these ARE my relatives) – “no no no, don’t touch that.”

Almost instantly, he starts crying. Loudly. At 12 AM in the morning, when other people are trying to sleep.

Same thing happens earlier when his sister is playing with something, and he tries to take it. She says, “No, you can’t have it.” Instantly, he starts crying. I swear, he must have cried at least 5 or 6 times tonight over something as trivial as not getting something he wanted right away.

But back to the title of the blog – so like I said, the older of the two cousins was fun to talk to. We had conversations about various stuff – her school, tv shows, what we were doing for the summer, semi-trivial stuff – and even though she’s still a kid, at least she can spit out a conversation that matches something close to intelligent and enjoyable.

And it’s when kids reach this stage – after the constant fussiness of baby-hood but before puberty hits them and they become a@@holes again for a while – that they can actually be quite enjoyable.

At least as long as they’re not mine, I don’t have to raise them, or be around them 24 hours a day, that is :)

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

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