Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

How to Cook a Baby in 5 Easy Steps

March 5, 2008 · No Comments

I like to make blogs about why I don’t want to have children. At the end of the day, what it boils down to is that I don’t want to bring something into this world that I feel I would not want to have the responsibility of raising.

Some people disagree with my decision – like I should want to have a snot-nosed poop machine running MY life – but, assuming I did end up having a kid, what would happen if I got tired of it? What if I decided I no longer wanted it around?

Well, there’s always putting him/her up for adoption. Of course, if you don’t want to go through the hassle of having to fill out paper work at an orphanage, you could do what some people like to do: cook your baby in an oven, and grease it up so it taste good when it comes out!

“Eww, APT, that’s disgusting! How dare you think such a thought?!? Who in their right mind would even THINK about putting a baby in an oven?!?”

Oh, if only you lived in Florida! A 29-year old woman named Sharlyn Singh got tired of hearing her 11-month old baby crying, so she decided she would shut him up by greasing him up, placing him in the oven and turnin’ on the heat. I mean, damn, lady – all you had to do was go down to Ruby Tuesday’s if you wanted some baby-back ribs!

Were it not for her ex-boyfriend’s uncle coming over to the house to pick up his nephew’s belongings, the baby would have probably burned to death. Lucky for the baby – and unfortunately for the mother, who clearly did not want this child around in her life anymore – its crying was heard by said uncle and saved before the oven could heat up. Now the mother’s in jail pending a $15,000 bail

So you see, I’m not such a bad guy, people! I’d much rather not have kids than have to ponder later on if I still want to change its diapers, or create a real-life dead baby joke involving my own lil’ rugrat!


1. Grease baby.

2. Place in oven.

3. Turn oven up to 400 degrees.

4. Invite ex-boyfriend’s uncle to come over and discover crying baby in oven.

5. Here come the cops – run, Sharlyn, run!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

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