Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Entries from March 2008

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #11: “YI! YI! YI! YI! YI! YI! YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!”

March 31, 2008 · No Comments

About two days ago… after getting off late from work, I had to catch the train home. The train arrived, and as I entered, I saw the sight I most dread seeing…

A parent. With a kid at least 3 years of age.

Well, it was too late for me to switch cars since the train doors were about to close, so I did the only thing I could do: I sat down, leaned my head against the car wall, and prayed to God that this kid would be able to behave itself.

The train pulled off… and, within 15 seconds of the train moving, I heard this lil’ bastard scream its head off for no reason:

“YI! YI! YI! YI! YI! YI! YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!”

Over and over again, this kid screamed – and because he was only 3, it was one of those high-pitched screams that only kids with no sense of volume control can scream!

The mother, meanwhile… well, the kid was sitting in her lap, and she tried to stop him from screaming by pointing to things outside the train window: “Ooh, look at that, is that a big building? Oooh, isn’t the highway traffic impressive? Oooh!”

And it would work… for about a minute. Then, he’d start up again:

“YI! YI! YI! YI! YI! YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!”

After two train stops, I couldn’t take it anymore! I was tired phyiscally, and even MORE tired of hearing this rugrat scream his ass off!!

Finally, at the train stop before my actual stop, I got off the train car I was in and went over to the next one. As I was exiting, I saw a pretty girl about to enter into my car. I looked at her and said: “Be warned: there’s an annoy kid on this car and he’s loud,” then walked passed her into the next car.

I don’t know HOW or WHY people want kids, but after hearing all that unnessesary noise, I’d happily get a vasectomy today if I could!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

Categories: Babies · Children · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #10: Christmastime Panic for Parents Who LIED to Their Kids About Santa’s Existence

March 28, 2008 · No Comments

(Note: This note was originally written during Christmas 2007.)

With this being the Christmas season, I have noticed something that makes me not want to be a parent, regardless of how good my children would have come out to be. And that thing, my friends, is DESPERATION.

As I’m typing this, I have had the proud distinction of purchasing 5 Nintendo Wiis within the last year – yet, despite my ease of getting these systems (mostly through Craig’s List, all under $300), there are still thousands of people out there who have yet to actually get their hands on one. One of these groups of people are known as “parents.”

I already knew there would be even more hysteria leading up to the holidays for this system… but I had no idea that the pandemonium for it would be the same, or even GREATER, than when the system first launched a year ago. There are a plethora of stores getting Wiis in this weekend, and parents are already talking about camping out overnight to get one for their little ones.

The question is, why? Why do they feel the need to get something so desperately for their kid, instead of just saying, “sorry, you’ll have to get one later?”

Answer: Because they LIED to their kids by telling them all about the wonderful powers of “Santa Claus,” and now they have to feed the lie by getting them the one thing their kid asked Santa for. What morons!

Peep the situation I had a few days ago….

Okay, so I sold a Nintendo Wii to this one guy for $500, and still had one more Wii left to sell. Since this Wii didn’t have any games with it, and the flap that covered the 4-controller port for Gamecube controllers was not there, I decided to put it up on Craig’s List for $250, i.e. $20 less than store price (after taxes.)

I put it up on Craig’s List, went to take a 10-minute shower, and when I came back and checked my hotmail, I already had 5 offers on it! I called the first person who sent me a message, and promised I would give it to her later in the day.

However, the second person who had written me and tried to call me – but I had accidentally placed up the wrong number – also wanted the system. When I got in contact with her, I told her the unit had already been promised to someone else.

That’s when the desperation set in.

I kid you not, this woman – who lived almost an hour away from me – was willing to drive all the way down to where I live to pick this system up, and pay me $10 extra dollars for it! Then, she told me her sob story – here are the highlights:

* “I’m a single mother, and I can’t afford the outrageous prices everyone else is trying to set for this system!” (My response: you should have made better choices about who got you pregnant! <<– No, I did not actually say this to her, but I certainly did think it!)

* “This is all that my son really wants for Christmas!” (My response… so the f–k what? He’s a kid! If he doesn’t get it, he’ll be upset for a day or two and then get over it!)

* “I tried to tell him that Santa might not be able to bring it to him this year, but he’s too young to understand. He just believes that since it’s Santa, he HAS to bring it to him!” (My response: Hey, no one ever told you that you HAD to make your kid believe in Santa! If you decided to tell that lie, you should have been prepared with a bigger wallet to back your claims up when something this expensive comes out that your kid is going to want!)

This is why I never liked the whole “Santa is real” ficade that parents put on for their kids – it ends up backing the parent’s asses into a corner when something like a Tickle-Me-Elmo, Wii, cabbage patch doll, or any of the other hard-to-get toys over the years comes out.

If – and this is a BIIIIIIG “IF” – I had kids, believing in Santa Claus wouldn’t even be an option! What, I’m supposed to tell him that a fat white guy’s gonna break into our house each year, steal our cookies and leave us any gift we want?!? What if my kid ended up wanting a PS3 last year – that would have been $600 out of MY pocket, and I probbably would have waited in line only to be disappointed when I didn’t get one! Oh great, and now I get to feel double guilty because I couldn’t get the gift, AND my kid’s upset on Christmas because “Santa” punked out?!?

GET THE F–K OUTTA HERE!

As sad as the woman’s story was – and I was thiiiiiiis close to selling it to her instead – ultimately, I had to be a man of my word and sell it to the first person I promised it to. I had to call MY mom and tell her the situation, to which she replied: “eh, she’s a mother. We get over these things pretty fast.”

Good thing to know, but I just hope I never have to deal with it in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #9: Easter Weekend With My Young Cousins

March 25, 2008 · No Comments

Given the Easter Weekend visit I just had and the people I saw – two of which were my younger cousins – I felt it appropriate to use my story as further explanation of why I, A.P. Taylor, have absolutely NO desire to ever have kids for as long as I live (and hereafter – so much for the sperm bank!)

Let’s start with a brief description, shall we? BTW, names will not be used, so they will be called “Girl Cousin” and “Boy Cousin.” Pretty easy, ain’t it?

Cousin 1: Girl Cousin. Age is 7 years old. She’s very articulate, and even knows a few big words.

Cousin 2: Boy Cousin. Age is 3 years old. He doesn’t talk much, and when he does it’s usually in screams, yelps, or one-worded phrases that you have to decipher into full sentences. Oh yeah – and he likes to cry. A LOT.

Here are just a few of the highlights from the evening to illustrate the type of annoying things kids do that I just don’t feel like dealing with:

HIGHLIGHT 1: HITTING

Upon entering my aunt’s house, the girl cousin runs up to me, hugs me… and then hits me. HARD. She does this almost every time she sees me, and I’ve told her over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…. and over again to NOT hit me.

For some reason, kids tend to think it’s cute when they hit someone, but I’m 25, and to this day I don’t even like to fake wrestle with someone unless it’s my brother. And maybe a supermodel in a bikini… but I’m off subject. The point is, someone who is 7 has no business hitting anyone older than her, especially a GUY – and me, I don’t care who it is: if they feel big enough to hit me, I don’t want to see them crying or acting all surprised when I hit them back!

This Girl Cousin kept coming up to me and hitting me ad nauseum for most of the night. It finally got to the point where I actually DID have to hit her back, and after hitting her in the stomach (read: a HIT, not a punch, people), she finally backed off for a while and left me alone. Judge me if you like, but after being hit 30 times and telling her to stop 29 times, even Michael Jackson would have hit on them. Hmm, probably not the wisest words to associate with MJ…

HIGHLIGHT 2: CRYING

Kids cry, and it pisses me off. Not because they’re crying, but because it’s usually over something stupid.

For example: unbeknownst to me, my Boy Cousin has made himself the ambassador of the microwave door. Anytime someone has to microwave food, he makes it his duty – no, his life calling – to be present to open the door when the food is ready to be taken out.

So, imagine my surprise when, upon placing my food into the microwave, he comes running in from the next room over and stands next to me. I don’t know what the heck is going on, so I open the door and take my food out. I see him trying to stop me, and I’m looking at him like he’s crazy. I open the microwave door, take my food out, and close it.

2 seconds later, he starts crying. LOUD. I didn’t know crying could include so much screaming.

Later in the evening, I have my digital camera out to take some pictures. I place it on the table so I can finish eating some dessert, and Boy Cousin comes over and tries to take my camera, claiming that it is now “MINE!” Knowing that he doesn’t have $129 to replace my camera if he brakes it, I remove the camera from the table and place it into my pocket

2 seconds later, he starts crying. LOUD. See statement 2 paragraphs above.

And it goes on and on like this for most of the night, with him either wanting to do something or not quite getting his way, and crying. Now, as a grown-@$$ man, I have the option to decide if I want to deal with a young kid crying everytime he doesn’t get his way, and, unlike a lot of people, I have decided that, given the option, I’d rather stick my finger in a blender and see my fingers get chopped off than have to hear a kid cry for 14 out of 24 hours!

Oh, but there’s more!

HIGHLIGHT 3: TOUCHING/BREAKING MY STUFF.

I don’t like having to be on guard for my expensive items all day. I buy laptops, high-tech phones, studio microphones, video game systems, etc., and the last thing I need is for some kid who had no idea what they are doing “accidentally” break it!

After Easter dinner – which we actually had at my aunt’s parent-in-laws house – I drove the 5-minute drive back to my aunt’s house so I could get some tupperware to take back to the other house and pack up some food. Prior to leaving my aunt’s house, I set up my laptop on the dining room table to make copies of CDs for my older cousin (she’s 30). I placed a blank disc into the laptop, hit the record button, and headed back to my aunt’s parent-in-laws’ house.

Imagine my surprise when, upon entering back into my aunt’s house, I see my Girl Cousin crying, my cousin scrubbing the side panel of my laptop, and her father standing in the kitchen doorway telling his daughter to explain what she “did” while I was gone.

Turns out, she had taken a permanent marker to my laptop and written my name on it! This is a 7-year old girl who does great in school, and appears to be full of common sense… yet, lo and behold, she does a typical stupid “kid” move: writing on things that aren’t hers simply because she felt like it!

Luckily, the laptop wasn’t damaged, and my older cousin was able to use bleach to get it out after 15 minutes of hard scrubbing. Oh, but it gets better…

HIGHLIGHT 4: DISCIPLINING CHILDREN IS NOT IN MY INTEREST.

After my Girl Cousin told me what she did, I went over to the laptop and saw that the marking was gone. I felt like, since there was no permanent damage, it was no big deal.

My Girl Cousin’s father pulls me into the kitchen and says to me, “you can’t let her get away with that. You have to discipline her so she’ll respect you and your stuff.”

Oh great, I thought to myself: here I am, being pulled into a matter where I have to discipline this kid to respect me… and she’s not even MY kid! It’s not like I practice this everyday like parents and teachers do – I prefer spending time around other adults, and thus am not comfortable at all with having to further sternly warn a 7-year old about the dangers of touching my stuff!

But it’s more than that: I don’t feel like teaching or disciplining ANY kids, ever! Heck, when I was a kid I used to try and tell other kids my age the reasons why they shouldn’t do this or that because it was stupid, and I usually got ignored – I can’t imagine having to want to relive the whole “let me try and make you less stupid” phase of my life!

So I had to go over to my Girl Cousin, and explain to her that, unless she had $500 to replace my items, she best not touch my stuff without asking. Woo-hoo, yay me, I got to tell a kid what to do – someone give me a gold sticker!

HIGHLIGHT 5: KID. CONVERSATIONS. SUCK.

I’m sorry, but seeing as I have a college degree, I really don’t feel like having to revert back to speaking/acting like a 5-year old to communicate with a younger crowd.

My cousins were watching Disney Channel cartoons while surfing online at the latest “High School Musical 2″ site. My heydays of cartoon watching consisted of Muppet Babies and Ninja Turtles, and now that I’m past that stage I really don’t feel the need to be sucked into having to purchase the latest Hannah Montana, Fairly Odd-Parents or other kiddie-type merchandise. Personally, if I had kids that were clamouring for all this stuff, I’d tell them to learn how to drive, get a JOB, and buy the toys themselves!

I hope this small insight into my Easter weekend experience has shown you all why I have no desire to have children. Yes, I know, children are our future, they brighten up your day, blah blah blah – yeah, if you’re into that sort of thing. But to me, kids are like spam: they’re not for everybody.

Actually, kids are more like ice cream: most people like them, but I’m lactose intolerant, and they make me want to throw up and lock myself in a bathroom for 3 days.

Oh yeah: for those of you who want to think of some logical reason as to WHY these kids were acting this way: DON’T. No, it’s not because their parents (i.e. my cousins – these kid cousins are second cousins) are bad people (they’re not); No, it’s not because they’re bad people (they’re actually quite nice most of the time); and NO, it’s not a thousand other reasons you may try to think up for why they acted like morons.

The best explanation is usually the simplest one, and in this case it’s very simple: they acted like morons because, like all kids, the world revolves around them and their needs, which, in turn, causes kids to do stuff and/or react in ways most pleasing to them, regardless of how others may feel about it. Sickening, ain’t it?

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #8: Bang Bang Bang, On the Window…

March 21, 2008 · No Comments

The last day of training for my new job was yesterday, and I had one simple assignment: go home and study for the job test today.

I went home, studied a bit… and then resorted to spending the rest of the evening on my couch, switching between studying, playing Zelda, and watching television. For some reason, I don’t get really focused about studying ANYTHING until it’s close to the wire. And since the train between where I live and my job takes 30 minutes exactly, I figured I’d have time to study my material on MARTA the next morning en route.

I get on the train, and for the first 10 minutes there is nothing but peace and quiet in the train car I chose. We make a stop at Five Points (which, for those of you who aren’t familiar with Atlanta’s trains system, is the midpoint where the North/South Line and East/West Line meet), and passengers start getting on the train.

In walks this woman – who looked like she could have been a transvesstite (that adam’s apple was suspect), along with a young boy, probably about 4 or 5, who, admittedly, was a cute-looking kid. He wasn’t saying anything, no crying, no fussing with the woman, nothing. “Finally,” I thought to myself, “a seemingly nice kid. I can go back to my studying now…”

Just then… he runs to the seat in front of me, and – “BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!” – for no apparent reason, he starts BANGING ON THE PLASTIC PANEL WINDOW!”

At first, I thought he was just going to bang it a few times and be done with it. But no, he continued -

“BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!”

At this point, I can’t even concentrate, and I’m looking at the back of the wo(man)’s head like, “aren’t you going to STOP him from doing that?!?”

Finally, the train starts to move, and the kid stops pounding the plastic window. “Finally,” I thought to myself, “I can get back to studying.” Oh, but I thought wrong – soon as we pulled up and stopped at the next station -

“BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!”

So NOW I can’t study AND I have a headache. And the kid is just banging away… until the train starts up again. He folds his arms up and looks out the window, making no noise at all. “Okay, MAYBE he’s gotten all that out of his system,” I think to myself. I focus my eyes downward and continue looking at my study material…

Then, the train stops again. I can feel it coming…

“BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!”

(Inside my head) “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

You know what sucks the most? As a person who tends to be passive aggressive, I didn’t want to just tap the wo(man) on the shoulder and be like, “excuse me, your kid (?) is giving me a headache, could you please tell him to stop doing that?” I’m never too sure what the person’s reaction is going to be, so I usually end up just removing myself from the situation. Luckily, they both got off at the stop after that, and I no longer had to hear that banging – otherwise, I would have taken the kid and thrown him off the train myself!

LoL! Okay, I would have just moved cars. But the other ending would have been much cooler, huh?

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #7: Conversation: It’s ALWAYS About “The Kids”

March 19, 2008 · No Comments

Usually when I write these blogs, I write about behaviors from kids I’ve noticed that are so annoying, they make me want to say “I’m NEVER having kids!!”

However, the moronic acts from kids aren’t the only reason I don’t want to have them. A lot of it has to do with acts I don’t want to do – changing diapers, having to disipline them, getting them out of jams, breaking my stuff, etc.

A great example of a behavior I do not want as a result of having kids is something parents unconciously do as soon as they have them: namely, they make their kids the main topic of their conversation.

It’s similar to when a person gets a new job: suddenly, about 90% of their conversation centers around their job. They talk mostly about things that happened at work, who they like/dislike on their job, what they would change about their job, etc. Heck, just about any activity a person gets really involved in, will eventually become the main thrust of what they talk about. If you don’t believe me, look at how many eBay entries I did last year when I was doing it on an almost daily basis!

And so it is with kids. I have various friends and cousins who have had kids in the last few years, and whenever I talk to them, the majority of their conversation revolves around their kids: where their kid is in their development, what funny thing they did the other day, what annoying thing the kid does, how they celebrated the kid’s birthday… kids, kids, kids, kids, KIDS!!

And me, being the type of guy I am, will sit there and listen to them because they are my friends or family, all the while thinking to myself: “Dang – and to think, they used to actually have a life of their own and talk about OTHER things before these kids came along!” These people used to be involved in all sorts of wonderful activities and/or jobs, and most of them still are – but instead of telling me about it, all they want to seem to talk about are their kids that I’ve barely known for 5 minutes!!

And for the record: nobody’s kid is all that much special from another person’s kid. Parents LOVE to brag about how “advanced” their kid is – “look at this, my kid is only 8 months and he’s already walking” – and I’m like, “who gives a crap?!? By the age of 3 or 4, almost ALL kids will be walking, so who cares how long it takes them?!?” “Oh, but look, my kid’s in 1st grade but reads on a 3rd grade level!” “Well, woopie – it STILL ain’t getting your kid to 3rd grade any faster, so SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!”

I just don’t want to have my focus of conversation be on some friggin’ little rugrats, because I know that nobody outside of my family is really, REALLY going to give a flying rat’s behind about how my kids are doing, and I’d much rather be talking about other things besides how much better my kid is these days at not wetting the bed!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Kids – They’re Not ALL Bad (As Long As They Aren’t Mine)

March 14, 2008 · No Comments

Stop.

Don’t think for a second that the title of my blogs signifies in any way, shape, or form that I want kids.

Truthfully, I had another blog I was going to add to my ever-growing list of “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” – specifically, what I thought were snow flakes and/or dust particles falling on me while I played my Nintendo DS on the bus the other day turned out to be some kid’s dandruff he had been scratching from his head (c’mon, maaan, that’s just disgusting!!)…

…but then I came to Birmingham to do some promotional work, and stayed at my aunt’s house where my older cousin and her two kids happen to be staying for the weekend.

I will admit – there is a certain point in a child’s growth where they go from being annoying… to being less annoying. I think that point is when they start going to school, and they start to learn stuff, and can start to have conversations that sound somewhat intelligent.

The older of my two younger cousins is about to go into 2nd grade, and we’ve been getting along great. Which is funny, because I remember how annoying she was to be around just 3 years ago: always talking and vying for attention, crying at everything, constantly wanting to play when the rest of us were tired and/or wanted to focus attention on something else…

This is the aspect of raising kids that I don’t have the patience for. Because, until they finally reach the stage where I can tolerate them somewhat, I have to spend YEARS going through the other stages.

Like, for example, my other cousin, the 2-year old. He’s at the “if I can’t have it I’m going to scream and cry about it” stage. For example: I took out my Nintendo DS to play, and I was letting him and his sister watch me play. He reaches out for the screen and grabs the system, and I look at him and say – in a kind voice, mind you (I mean, these ARE my relatives) – “no no no, don’t touch that.”

Almost instantly, he starts crying. Loudly. At 12 AM in the morning, when other people are trying to sleep.

Same thing happens earlier when his sister is playing with something, and he tries to take it. She says, “No, you can’t have it.” Instantly, he starts crying. I swear, he must have cried at least 5 or 6 times tonight over something as trivial as not getting something he wanted right away.

But back to the title of the blog – so like I said, the older of the two cousins was fun to talk to. We had conversations about various stuff – her school, tv shows, what we were doing for the summer, semi-trivial stuff – and even though she’s still a kid, at least she can spit out a conversation that matches something close to intelligent and enjoyable.

And it’s when kids reach this stage – after the constant fussiness of baby-hood but before puberty hits them and they become a@@holes again for a while – that they can actually be quite enjoyable.

At least as long as they’re not mine, I don’t have to raise them, or be around them 24 hours a day, that is :)

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

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She SAYS She Wants Kids… But What If…?

March 11, 2008 · No Comments

The conundrum: If a woman wants to have kids, and falls in love with a man who does not want kids, what are the chances of her sacrificing what she want so that she can have a man?

That’s the question I tend to ask myself from time to time. As you all know, I do not want kids, and at the moment I tend to only date women who do not want them as well.

However, there are a lot of girls I feel I may be missing out on simply because they have expressed a desire to have children. There are some girls that I get along with well, who have agreeable personality traits that click with mine, and the only thing that makes me not pursue them is that they want kids and I don’t.

Here is the catch-22 I always think about: if a woman wants to have kids, but the only men she seems to be able to click with relationship-wise is guys who do not want kids, will she forego exploring those relationships in the hopes of finding a man who wants kids – and consequently stay single while time slowly ticks away (until she gets too old to have children, in which case her waiting time was worth nothing); or will she forego having kids so that she won’t be lonely?

Whereas my desire to not have kids is so strong that I don’t feel the need to even date a woman who already has kids, I notice that some women are willing to sacrifice their desire for having kids in order to have a man in their lives. Heck, I told my last girlfriend I didn’t want kids, and she went from trying to persuade me to change my mind, to saying, “well, I don’t think I want kids now either.” Was the desire to have somebody more important than having kids? Is this a sacrifice most women are willing to make, or is it just a select few?

Just questions that run through my mind. I’d love to have some other thought about this, as I’d love to be able to expand my dating horizons to women who are more wishy-washy about having kids.

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #6: The Longest 8 Minutes of My Life

March 9, 2008 · No Comments

The longer I live in the city, the more and more I hate kids with a passion.

Every night I catch the train to head back down to the nearest bus station to catch a ride home. Last night the bus was packed to the brim with people, but I managed to find a place to sit amongst the sea of standing bodies.

As I’m getting comfortable, I hear a noise that sounds like a small wailing. I look to my left, and I see a mother with a kid sitting on her lap – he couldn’t have been more than 1 to 2 years old, ugly as all hell.

(Sidebar: why is it that most babies born in the hood look like they were born in a trash can? Someone needs to tell these mothers to stop getting with guys who look like shiznit, less their babies end up with the same fate as there one-time lovers. I’m assuming it’s one-time, ’cause half these mothers look like shiznit too!)

Anyway.. this baby starts giving off a half-cry – ya know, one of those cries where the baby can’t decide whether or not they want to full-out cry or just make an “I’m irritated over something but don’t know what it is” sound. The baby was making more up and down screams and moanings than Paris Hilton at a Chippendale’s party!

And it just wouldn’t stop. The ride from the bus station to my apartment is about 10 minutes; for 8 minutes straight, this bastard of a kid did nothing but half-cry and wail, much to the annoyance of me and everybody else within ear shot.

I. Am. NEVER. Having. Kids. I can only imagine the mother having to deal with that crying moron for another hour after getting home – if having to look at him everyday doesn’t give her enough of a headache, I know his crying certainly does!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #5: No Prep Time Necessary

March 7, 2008 · No Comments

Here’s a great reason to never have kids: no prep time is necessary.

Allow me to clarify: whenever I want to go someplace, visit someone, go out to eat, etc., there is very little prep time needed for me before I go out and do what it is I want to do. Having kids, however, significantly lengthens the amount of time a parent has between thinking of an activity and executing the actual plan.

Let’s say I’m at my apartment, and I think to myself: “gee, I need to go to the store downtown and buy some groceries.” Here’s how the trip would go for me without having kids:

* I put on my clothes, throw on my iPod, walk to the bus stop, catch the bus to the train station, catch the train to the other bus station, catch the bus to the store, buy the items on my list, pay for the items at check-out, walk back to the bus stop & wait for bus, catch bus back to train station, catch train back to original bus station, catch bus back to my apartment, and put up groceries.

Now, that’s a lot of steps, and that trip could easily take me 3 hours alone. Having a kid would lengthen each one of these steps – let’s see how this trip would look if I have 2 kids:

* I think to myself, “I’m going to the store to buy groceries.” I then begin to ponder what the temperature is like outside, and whether or not I should make the kids put on jackets. I try to put them on, but one of the kids insists it’s not that cold outside, and refuses to put a jacket on. Meanwhile, the younger one – about 6 months old – is ready to go, and is now crying. Delayed time: 10 minutes.

* I finally get the older kid to put a jacket on, but he still doesn’t want to leave the apartment without his favorite toy, Mr. Scruffles, which he has misplaced in his room. I’m ready to leave, but I also know he’ll be crying the whole time if he doesn’t bring his doll with him, so I start looking for it. Delayed time: 15 minutes.

* I finally find Mr. Scruffles under some dirty laundry, and we head out towards the bus stop (we’ll assume I have a car by now, but it’s in the shop for the week). At this point, I notice a distinctive smell coming from the 6-month old. Crap – he crapped. We walk back to the apartment so I can change his diaper. Delayed time: 7 minutes.

* FINALLY, we head out again towards the bus stop. The bus pulls up, and I have to fagangle the baby stoller onto the bus, and into a position that won’t interrupt anyone else trying to get on. We sit down, and my older son starts talking to his doll – LOUDLY – which annoys the other passengers. I tell my son to quiet down, but he doesn’t seem to get that his voice has levels to it. Sigh…

* We get to the train station. In my non-kid days I would jump off the bus and run to catch the train. However, my older kid’s legs don’t run that fast yet, and I have to push a stroller. Just as we’re about to catch the elevator up to the train platform (I can’t catch the escalator since I have a stroller), I hear the annoucement that the train I want to catch is now pulling up to the station. By the time the elevator reaches the train platform level, the train is gone. Now I have to wait for the next one to come. Delayed time: 7 minutes.

* The next train comes. We get on, and ride it to the next bus station. While on the train, my 6-month old decides now would be a good time to stretch his vocal cords by crying for no reason. Annoyed time: 12 minutes.

* We get off at the next bus station, and catch the bus to the nearest Wal-mart. I have a list of 8 things to buy; however, despite my insistence to my older son that we aren’t buying anything extra, he proceeds to ask me for various snacks, cakes, pies, chocolates, etc. I keep telling him “no,” but you know how persistent kids can be! Were I able to shop without interruption, my actual shopping time would probably take 10 minutes. Delayed time: 20 minutes (including the 17 times I had to explain to him why I wasn’t buying the extra items he wanted).

* We get to the check-out lane… and my son runs off somewhere in the store. I realise this after I’ve placed my groceries on the belt, and ask for the cashier to page my son. He comes running all the way from the back of the store – the electronics department, of course – with the newest video game system. “Ooh, daddy, I SO want this, can I please get it? Please, please, PLEASE?!?” I tell him “no, you’ve already got a system at home.” He replies it’s out of date and he needs this new one, but I tell him “No!” He starts to cry, which makes his younger brother start to cry. Sigh… Delayed time: 15 minutes.

* We finally get out of there. We walk back to the bus stop. My younger son has stopped crying, and my older son is giving me the silent treatment. Ah, finally, peace and quiet. We head back home, all in a bad mood. As we’re walking home, we pass the local ice-cream stand; my son’s eyes get wide-eyed. “Ooh, daddy, look – ice cream! Ice cream! And it’s only $2.50!” Eh, why fight it – I hand him the money, and he gets himself an ice cream cone. He takes that first lick… and the scoop falls off the cone, and right onto the ground. Now I have to buy him another one. Delayed time: 10 minutes.

By the time we finally head home, the total trip has taken almost 5 hours – 2 more than if I had done all this without the kid distraction. DO YOU SEE WHY I DON’T WANT TO HAVE KIDS, PEOPLE?!?

This is just a small example – almost anything you do with a kid needs prep time. Wanna go to a movie? You can’t just go – now you have to call ahead to see if the movie is appropriate. Wanna go to the amusement park? Better plan ahead to make sure you’ll be able to feed the lil’ munchkins when they get extra hungry! Want to see a new exhibit that’s in town? You can’t just go on a whim – you have to convince your kids to want to see the exhibit first, then see if they want to bring a friend along, THEN make sure they’re strapped safely into their car seats…

Some people may enjoy doing all this stuff, but for me it’s just too much!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #4: The Struggling Baby Seat

March 6, 2008 · No Comments

So I’m at the bank yesterday to deposit some money into my checking account. It’s 3:30 PM, and the Wachovia banks in Atlanta close at 4 PM. Consequently, everybody and their mama’s mama is usually there trying to get checks cashed or deposited, and yesterday was no exception.

I’m standing in this long line waiting to see a teller, and I hear this wining noise coming from my right. 3 people behind me, there is a woman standing there, with a baby in a stroller.

First off, this had to be one of the more unattractive babies I have seen in a while – his face just looked like hell. At any rate, his mom bent down to re-fasten his belt so he wouldn’t fall out the seat. As soon as she was done, the baby started swaying back and forth, trying desperately to escape the seat.

Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful. And you know what that means – baby went from small sniffles of protest to outright crying.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” That lil’ boy’s screams echoed throughout the bank and bounced off the walls. By this time I was at the teller, and we both stared at the kid in slight disbelief.

The lady teller turns to me and says, “I bet you can’t wait until you have one of those.”

My reply: “Oh, I’m not having any kids.”

Her response: “Hey, I’ve been married 3 years, and I NEVER plan on having kids either.”

Ah, finally – a woman who agrees! They DO exist!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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How to Cook a Baby in 5 Easy Steps

March 5, 2008 · No Comments

I like to make blogs about why I don’t want to have children. At the end of the day, what it boils down to is that I don’t want to bring something into this world that I feel I would not want to have the responsibility of raising.

Some people disagree with my decision – like I should want to have a snot-nosed poop machine running MY life – but, assuming I did end up having a kid, what would happen if I got tired of it? What if I decided I no longer wanted it around?

Well, there’s always putting him/her up for adoption. Of course, if you don’t want to go through the hassle of having to fill out paper work at an orphanage, you could do what some people like to do: cook your baby in an oven, and grease it up so it taste good when it comes out!

“Eww, APT, that’s disgusting! How dare you think such a thought?!? Who in their right mind would even THINK about putting a baby in an oven?!?”

Oh, if only you lived in Florida! A 29-year old woman named Sharlyn Singh got tired of hearing her 11-month old baby crying, so she decided she would shut him up by greasing him up, placing him in the oven and turnin’ on the heat. I mean, damn, lady – all you had to do was go down to Ruby Tuesday’s if you wanted some baby-back ribs!

Were it not for her ex-boyfriend’s uncle coming over to the house to pick up his nephew’s belongings, the baby would have probably burned to death. Lucky for the baby – and unfortunately for the mother, who clearly did not want this child around in her life anymore – its crying was heard by said uncle and saved before the oven could heat up. Now the mother’s in jail pending a $15,000 bail

So you see, I’m not such a bad guy, people! I’d much rather not have kids than have to ponder later on if I still want to change its diapers, or create a real-life dead baby joke involving my own lil’ rugrat!

HOW TO COOK A BABY IN 5 EASY STEPS, by Sharlyn Singh:

1. Grease baby.

2. Place in oven.

3. Turn oven up to 400 degrees.

4. Invite ex-boyfriend’s uncle to come over and discover crying baby in oven.

5. Here come the cops – run, Sharlyn, run!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #3: She Just Kept Going and Going and…

March 4, 2008 · No Comments

(Note: This incident occured on December 12, 2006.) 

Another blog in my “Why I’m NEVER having kids” series.

As I’m sitting here at the library, I am sitting two seats away from a mother and what appears to be her 2 to 3 year old daugher. This kid has been standing here in the library, where it’s supposed to be QUIET, making strange noises and talking for the last 18 minutes and counting. She’s like a friggin’ energizer battery – she keeps on talking and talking and talking, saying one or two words about 50 dozen times – “Mama, dada, mama, dada, mama, dada -” before switching over to some other words that she also repeats ad nauseum.

Every so often, the mother – trying to look up jobs on the internet – will turn around and smack her daughter, telling her to “Shut the hell up.” Almost 1 second after being smacked, the daughter goes back to making strange noises. If it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t have computer access in my apartment I’d be going home now.

People – I am NEVER having kids. EVER. Quote me on that, imbed it into your memory, and put it into public record. If you ever see me with my own kids, it will only be because either (a) the condom broke, or (b) the vasectomy didn’t take, and I’m suing the doctor for it.

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #2: “Mom, Can I Have 50 Cents?”

March 3, 2008 · No Comments

(Note: I’ve been doing these entries for 2-1/2 years.  This incident happened in November 2005.) 

I went to Sunday’s Restaurant this morning to enjoy a nice meal at their breakfast bar. When I walked into the restaurant, I saw a huge outdoor grill standing in their mini-lobby. The restaurant had one of those boxes next to it where people looking to win the grill could fill out their info on a card and place it inside the box.

There was a mother standing there trying to fill out an entry card. Standing next to her was her young daughter, who looked to be around 6 or 7. As I was walking past them to get into the restaurant, the girl started begging her mom for money to buy candy.

The interaction went a lil’ somethin’ like this:

Daughter: “Mom, can I have 50 cents to buy some candy?”

Mom: “I don’t have a quarter on me.”

Daughter: “But all I need is 50 cents, mom!”

Mom: “I DON’T have a quarter on me!”

Daughter: “But mom, all I’m asking for is 50 cents!”

This went on for about a good 45 seconds. Finally, the frustrated mom yelled, “Look, I TOLD you, I don’t have a quarter!! You need TWO QUARTERS to for the machine, and I DON’T HAVE ANY QUARTERS!!!”

Like I said: I am NEVER having kids.

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #1: Too Much Energy

March 2, 2008 · No Comments

(Note: I started doing this blog about 2-1/2 years ago; this incident happened back in November 2005).

My uncle went to New York today… which meant I had to stay here and look after my 16-and-12-year old cousins today…

I… am… NOT… having… kids… EVER.

Kids – they want to take up all your time, and when they can’t find something else to do they want to talk your ear off and bother you. It’s darn near 12 midnight, and my 12-year old cousin – who must be hooked on caffine or something – is STILL walking around here trying to get me to do something with him. It’s not that I have no energy – I just don’t have 7 PM energy, and right now all I want to do is just chill and relax.

Ironically, I was the same way when I was his age. At 12, I had enormous amounts of energy, and could stay up far past 2 AM without even thinking about going to bed until at least 4. But now I’m 23. I don’t feel as though I missed out on a childhood, nor do I feel as though I need to relive my childhood through somebody else.

I… am… NEVER… HAVING… KIDS. EVER. Sorry ladies (well, not really sorry), but if you’re looking to have kids in the future, it ain’t gonna be with me. And don’t think I’m changing my mind either – after taking care of these 2 for the last few months, I think this will be more than enough kid time for my lifetime…

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m Never Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  

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Welcome to: Why I’m NEVER Having Kids!

March 1, 2008 · 1 Comment

Throughout the course of my life, I’ve had quite a few epiphanies about myself.

When I was 14, I was walking down some random street, and realized that, when arguing with someone, bringing up past incidents where the other person did something wrong to try and illustrate my point would not help my cause. It may win me the argument, but it could also ruin a friendship with someone by bringing up stuff from their past that had nothing to do with the argument in the first place.

When I was 18 or 19, I decided I wanted to become rich and NOT have a job. I realised that working for someone else at a 9-to-5 would NOT get me rich in a fast enough way, and that it would be best for me to figure out a way to get rich like rich people do.

And so it was: when I was 21, I was thinking about the qualities in a woman that I wanted. In the course of doing this, I had gotten into a conversation with someone where they were telling me how many kids they wanted. I had had this conversation in the past with my brother and other close friends, and my answer was usually that the maximum number I wanted was 2, preferably 2 girls…

…but I couldn’t figure out WHY I really wanted to have the kids in the first place.

So, in thinking about the qualities I wanted in a woman, it dawned on me: I didn’t really WANT to have kids.

I may have said it in the past, but I think the reasoning for it was because it’s what I believed I HAD to say. Up until that point, almost everybody I had ever talked to always said “I want to have x-amount of kids,” and it just seemed logical to me that I had to have them to. It wasn’t until I realised that I didn’t actually have to have them if I didn’t want to that I became extremely happy and more able to decide on what kind of mate I wanted.

It’s not that I had a hate for kids, mind you. I have cousins, nieces and nephews in my family that I’ve looked over and, in some cases, helped raise over the years.

No, the main reason I didn’t want kids was because I understood the job involved – the day in, day out, 24-7, constantly on watch and worry that’s involved in raising a kid to, at the very least, the age of 18 – and I just didn’t feel like doing it.

I didn’t feel the need to create something I’d have to then look over, wipe the poop of, watch go through crying stage after crying stage, explain stuff to that I already knew, act like I was interested in playing kiddie games, watch kiddie programs with, watch them perform at things that I don’t care about, sign up for sports I had no interest in watching or paying for, argue with during their puberty years about what freedoms they had and didn’t have, deal with any “surprises” that may suddenly occur – teenage pregnancy, drug use, etc. – and so many more things that, if I typed out, would be too long of a read for one blog!

And I decided that, if I didn’t want to deal with all that, it was my right to do so.

HOWEVER…

Whereas before, when people would ask me, “so, how many kids do you want to have” and I’d give them an answer with no harsh feedback… my new decision NOT to have kids was met with quite a few questions:

  • “How can you not want kids?”
  • “Kids are so wonderful, how can you miss out on that?”
  • “Don’t you want someone around to take care of you when you get older?” (That’s what they have nursing homes for, people!)

And, of course, the ever-so-popular question:

  • “How can you say you’re NEVER having kids? What’s so wrong with them?”

I tried explaining my reasons to people over and over and over and over again… but, at some point, I got tired of explaining. I could talk my head off all day about the reasons I don’t want kids, and some people will still say, “yeah… but that’s not a good enough reason!”

So, rather than constantly trying to explain myself, I just said “screw it” and started a website!

And thus, “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” was born!

In this blog-entry journal site, I will give reasons and/or examples of why I don’t want to have kids. Basically, anytime I’m in public and see a kid or kids doing something I don’t feel like dealing with in the parent world, or if I think of one of a thousand different reasons as to why I find the job of kid-raising so unappealing, I will blog about it on this site.

So, if you ever have any questions about why I may not want to have kids, all you have to do is come here and read one of the many blogs I have up illustrating my point!

Please note: although I don’t use much cussing on this site, there are entries where I use terms to describe kids that aren’t plesant. I believe the words ”crumb-scratchers,” “lil’ bastards,” “pests,” and so on will be used quite often. If you’re offended by these terms being used to describe these little people, you may want to go to my OTHER website:

www.whyIreallygivearatsbehind.com

I don’t believe you’ll find any entries there, but oh well!

As for THIS website, come here before you ask me why I don’t want kids. There are hundreds of thousands of other people out there that have made the same decision I have, and I’m sure most of their reasons can be found in the blogs I’m posting on this site!  Feel free to use the stories and articles mentioned here to explain to your kids why you, too, are NEVER having kids!

And yes, I’m always looking for stories and/or examples from other people!  If you have anything extra to add to my blogpost here, you can write me at:

neverhavingkids@gmail.com

-A.P. Taylor

Categories: Babies · Children · Dad · Family · Kids · Mom · Parent · People · Teenagers
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