Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #76: FREE Denny’s Breakfast… Ruined by Screaming Kids!

February 3, 2009 · No Comments

During the Superbowl, Denny’s ran an ad for their Tuesday nationwide “FREE Grand-slam Breakfast” special. I’m not one to turn down free food, so this morning I got up extra early and headed on over to my local Denny’s.

I got there at 7:30 AM, and put myself on the waiting list. There were hundreds of people ahead of me on the waiting list, so I went back outside, opened up a book, and waited.

I attempted to read… but there was too much noise going on around me. I looked up, and saw the cause for the ruckus – children. Babies, toddlers, young rugrats everywhere. Ugh. In my quest to get free food, it hadn’t dawned on me that people with children would also be trying to get inside.

During my hour-long wait, I got to see:

*Older siblings trying to sit on their younger siblings’ head
*A young boy who cried loudly because his mom, who had been holding him, had been placed back on the ground
*A young girl who started crying because… well, I don’t really know why!
*Kids running around, running into other adults

Finally, I got called. I was sat at a 4-top (I was by myself, but it was the only thing they had available). Upon sitting down, the waitress came by immediately and asked me for my order. “Grand Slam,” I said, “along with some Lemonade and hash browns.” A few minutes later, my meal came out, and I began eating.

I was half-way through my breakfast when I started hearing a loud shrilling voice. It was yelling, “MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!”

I look over to my right and find the source of the noise: a chubby little 3 or 4 year old girl who was trying to signal to her mom… who was sitting right in front of her. (Sidebar: why do kids feel the need to say their parent’s name over and over again? They can hear their name being called the first two times – the other 78 arent’ necessary!)

Then, this girl starts saying the following phrase: “MAMA! I DON’T WANT A CHERRY ON MY ICE CREAM! MAMA! I DON’T WANT A CHERRY ON MY ICE CREAM! MAMA! I DON’T…”

The mom must have been acting like she didn’t hear the kid, because this phrase was repeated loudly over 25 different times!! Meanwhile, I finished up eating my food as fast as possible, if only to be able to leave out of Denny’s and away from this woman and her annoying kids (4 in all) as quickly as possible!

But it was not to be: the waitress took forever to get my bill to me, so I had to continue listening to this annoying lil’ rugrat for 5 more minutes before THEY finally left. THEN, I got my bill, paid, and left.

I. Am. NEVER. Having. Kids.

EVER!!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m Never Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Children Horror Stories.”  Who knows – your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #75: Things I Consider Fun (Like Obama’s Inauguration) are “Boring” or “Annoying” to Kids

January 20, 2009 · 2 Comments


Above: A kid gets REAL tired while onstage behind George W. Bush, who was giving a speech.  Odd – I would have found it too fun to sleep!

A close friend of mine called me yesterday to inform me that she was going to Barack Obama’s Inauguration ceremony. And no, she didn’t have tickets.

Since the crowd is going to be HUGE at this historical event, my friend knew it would be wise to wait in advance.  So, at around 11 PM last night, she and a group of others headed out to where the event would be taking place so they could camp out overnight and get a view closer to the steps.

Had I not recently moved to California, I, too, would have gladly joined in the festivities with her.  I’m the same person that, a couple of years ago, waited 15 hours in line overnight just so I could purchase a Nintendo Wii to resell on eBay.  But I like doing those types of things – they can be quite fun, and you get to meet other people who have a similar feel for what you consider “exciting.”

However, these types of activities can be quite annoying to children. And when children aren’t having a good time, WATCH OUT! ‘Cause chances are, your fun time is going to be drastically reduced.

I can imagine there are hundreds of thousands of people who have taken their kids to this event.  There they are, trying to wait in the cold overnight and talk to others around them… and their little rug-rat, who was “dragged” to this event, is out there creating a fuss:

  • “Moo-oom! It’s too cold out here!”
  • “I need to go to the baaaath-room!”
  • “Why do we have to wait out here all night?!?”
  • “Couldn’t we just watch it on TV? We’re not going to get a good view anyway!”
  • “I’m missing my friend’s party for this!”
  • “My video game’s batteries just died! Now I have nothing to do!”
  • “But I’m going to catch pneumonia and die!  How can you let me die, ma?!?”

How do I know this is going on? Because kids are predictable: anytime they have to do something that they themselves either didn’t think of, or don’t consider fun, they complain.

Parents know this is going to happen whenever they want to do something that’s fun for THEM. This is why, 9 times out of 10, they usually forgo doing anything for themselves, if only to not have to hear their kid whine/cry/go on about how much they don’t want to do something.

At the same time, even parents have to be self-serving every once in a while.  And if they can’t find a babysitter, they have no choice but to bring the kids along, all the while knowing the misery that will come because of it!

I, on the other hand, don’t have to worry about that.  If my idea of fun is waiting in line for something all day, or sitting around the house reading a book or playing video games, it doesn’t matter how long I do it for! Why? Because I don’t have to worry if I’m being “annoying” or “boring someone to death” by doing the things I like to do!

Ah yes, the joys of NEVER having children shows itself once again!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for one of my blogs!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #74: Stink Bombs & Other Kid Pranks Are Annoying

January 11, 2009 · 1 Comment


Above: A video on how to make a stink bomb.  Somewhere, some kid is watching this and thinking, “hmm, I should make one to use on Mom and Dad!”

This past week, I stayed with my Mom while awaiting my moving day from Virginia to California.  My mom is in grad school now, and, in order to afford it, she sold her house and is temporarily living with a close friend of hers named Shelia* (not real name, thus the star next to it) and her 10-year old son, Marvin* (also not real name ).

A little bit about Marvin: he’s an only child whose father isn’t really in his life, and, because his mom works long hours, he spends a lot of time at home by himself.  Consequently, whenever me or my Mom are around, his neediness for attention ends up falling into our laps.

A few days ago, I had to run out to get some extra moving supplies.  I took my Mom’s car and headed out to run my errands, thus leaving my Mom and Marvin at the house.  After picking up the items I needed, I went back to the house.

Upon walking into the house, I noticed a strange yet familiar odor permeating throughout the house.  As I walked closer to my Mom’s room, the smell got stronger.  It was then I realized what the smell was…

NAIL POLISH?!?

As it turns out, while I was gone, Marvin had gotten bored.  So, he decided to mix together a few of the item in the bathroom – one of them being his Mom’s nail polish – and create a stink bomb.  IN THE HOUSE.  Next to MY Mom’s room. 

And so, the penetrating smell of nail polish and… well, whatever else it was he had decided to use… lingered on for the next 3 hours, annoying everyone but Marvin in the process.

The end.

- – - – -

As an adult, I am past the age where I find juvenile pranks to be funny.  Now, they are just annoying, and a waste of my time.

Kids, however, find pranks to be hilarious, regardless of who they are performed on.  And, because they don’t always have a good sense of whether or not something they’re about to do is a good idea or not, many of their pranks aren’t just unfunny, but dangerous.

How so? A kid prank could consist of toilet papering someone’s property, from the house to the yard and everything in-between.  Funny, right?  Sure it is – unless you’re the person who has to remove all the toilet paper from your house, or remove it from inside your grass, which is made harder by the fact that, if it rains right after they’ve done it, getting it out could be a REAL headache!

Or, how about another fun kid prank: flushing the toilet on purpose while you’re trying to take a shower? Aww, how nice – now Daddy’s got third degree burns! Oh Timmy, you’re so funny!

Ha ha ha ha ha, NOT!  Kid pranks are annoying.  Adult pranks are annoying too, actually, but at least they don’t usually involve the damaging of my property or person!

What’s even worse is, if I have a kid, and HE or SHE is the one doing a prank on someone – and it ends up hurting that person or damaging something – it’s not the kid the other person will go after.  That’s right: I would be the one called out for bad parenting, even though it was my kid who did the action behind my back!

Sorry, people, but like I said before, I’ve outgrown the “prank” stage of my life, and I’m not trying to deal with the consequences of something dumb my kid did just to get a laugh.  Here’s a prank for ya:  how about I just get a vasectomy instead, and NEVER have kids? Gotcha!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #73: Jon and Kate Plus 8

January 9, 2009 · 12 Comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtvYIFlJyyk
Above: A clip from TLC’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” where the two parents talk about why they are always fighting.  I think I know the answer – too many dang kids! (Note: They won’t allow me to embed the clip, but click on the link above to see what I’m talking about!)

If you are ever hanging on the fence about whether or not to have kids, do yourself a favor: watch “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ on The Learning Channel (TLC), and see if you don’t want to head out and get that vasectomy/tube tied right away!

For those of you without cable, “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ is a reality show that follows the lives of Jon, Kate, and their brood of 8 children: one set of twin girls, and one set of sextuplets (three girls and three boys).

I stumbled upon this show by accident while flipping through channels during Thanksgiving at my Grandmother’s house.  Once I knew what the show was about, I started taking notes on some of the things these two parents – who, after having the twins, only wanted to try for ONE more child – have to deal with on a daily basis. 

Man, oh man, is it ugly.

Prior to knowing this show existed, my nightmare was having to deal with ONE crying child.  Now, picture having to deal with SIX crying children at one time, all running around in various directions, fighting with each other over different things, and see if you’d be able to do it all without wanting to scream your OWN head off – not to mention the head of your spouse!

Well, guess what? On this show, that’s EXACTLY what happens. 

Kate, who I assume, at one point, was a calm, loving person, is now a mom whose entire life consists of nagging her kids.  She nags them because, to be fair, they always seem ready to do something stupid to hurt themselves or their siblings.  Almost everything she says to them is “no,” “stop it,” “mommy said come over here,” and other annoying phrases that parents are forced to say to their kids all the time.

But her kids aren’t the only ones who get nagged – Mr. Jon, who works long hours as an engineer, also gets to join in on the fun!  Yes, nothing must make him happier than coming home from a 12-hour work day, at a job he got to support his extremely big family, only to hear comments from his wife like:

  • “Please don’t squish the cereal in your anger…”
  • (To one of the kids) “Don’t listen to Daddy – he’s mean!”
  • (After he accidentally used the wrong colored scrunchie for the girls’ hair) “Did you hear me?” (Jon, from the other room: “Yes!”) “What was the end of what I said?”

Yes, ladies and gentleman, she talks to him like a child!  As a result, both of them (more her than him) say sarcastic stuff to each other and/or use their words as weapons – all in front of the kids!  Isn’t that great?  Now, when the kids get older, they’ll think that the person they’re dating doesn’t love them – as they learned from their parents, if two people aren’t fighting, they must not really love each other!

But aside from the arguing parents, what REALLY makes this show a great reason for birth control is watching the overall effect the kids have on their parents’ lives.  8 kids means:

  • 8 times the amount of money spent on grocery shopping;
  • 8 times the amount of crying;
  • 8 times the amount of diapers that have to be changed;
  • 8 times the number of “I don’t know’s” the parents have to hear when something breaks or isn’t clean
  • 8 times the mess that has to be cleaned up in the house
  • 8 times the amount of kids that have to be looked after when in public

And what’s all of that equal up to? 8 times the amount of stress both parents are constantly having to face day to day - no wonder they are always arguing with each other!  And to go from having 2 kids to 8 kids couldn’t have been easy, especially on Jon, who is younger, and was 27 when the sextuplets were born!

Now, those of you who are on the fence may see this show and think, “Well, okay, so I might not want 8 kids, but what’s wrong with having 1 or 2?” And, as I always like to say, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have kids, be it 1, 2, or 8. 

HOWEVER, if you’re already thinking you might not want to deal with the hassles that kids can bring, imagine how you’ll feel when you decide to try having ONE kid - like Jon and Kate wanted – and “accidentally” ending up with more than you bargained for?  By then it will be too late to go back…

…unless, of course, you want to end up being a deadbeat Mom/Dad who doesn’t really pay much attention to their kids.  You COULD, in theory, go that route.  As for me, I think I’ll just stick to NEVER having kids in the first place!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Children Horror Stories” to the same address – who knows? It could end up being the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #72: They Don’t Understand the Meaning of “Recession”

January 1, 2009 · 3 Comments


Above: This guy talks about buying gifts for kids for Christmas while in a recession.  Frikkin’ hilarious!

The world is in a recession. 

Economies all around the world are seeing the value of their paper money drop faster than Madonna on prom night.  Stock markets are in disarray, people are losing jobs, and newer jobs are harder and harder to come by.

For this reason, adults around the globe are doing the best they can to hold onto whatever money they have.  They understand that, in order to eat, pay their bills on time and keep their house, they may have to do without certain “wants” so that their “needs” can be met.

Unfortunately, most of these adults have children.  And children do not understand the meaning of the word “recession.”

Kids, in general, do not have a sense of how money actually works.  As far as they know, everything they receive is magically produced for them; therefore, according to their logic, they should be able to get whatever they want, whenever they want it. 

This makes it hard for little Timmy to understand why their Mommy or Daddy who, just 6 months ago was able to pay for a huge birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese Pizza, suddenly can’t get them that $30 Nintendo DS game they’ve been wanting FOR-E-VER!  They don’t understand that Daddy was making lots of money at his job back then, but may have had to take a pay-cut to avoid getting axed out of a job!

Oh sure, a parent can TRY to sit their children down and explain to them how the worldwide market, currently being in a downward spiral, is preventing them from buying that game for them.  But kids are kids – they don’t care about the excuse as to why their parent can’t get it; they just know they have to get it.  And if they don’t, there will be crying and tantrums to deal with!

I bring this particular subject up because Christmas time just passed, and there were tons of news stories going on this year about how parents were “sacrificing” getting gifts for other adults and/or themselves just so they could make sure the children got something.  While that’s very admirable, it’s also stupid.  How about just telling your kids the truth: that Santa got downsized, couldn’t afford to keep his factory open, and can’t deliver toys this year?  It’s the same thing that happened to Ford’s employees!

At the same time, I understand why these parents were doing all this.  It’s because, again, kids don’t understand how or why a recession should affect them.  So what if Mom and Dad are having a hard time paying a light bill – they still need that new Dora the Explorer doll!  Who cares if they won’t be playing with it 3 months from now?  Mom and Dad will be able to buy them something new by then, right?

Lucky for me, I don’t have this problem – I can be broke as a joke and still feel good about myself because I don’t have to worry about disappointing some whiny rugrat simply because I can’t buy it something.  That’s the advantage of NEVER having kids!

-A. P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #71: Bowling + Kids = No Fun at ALL.

December 23, 2008 · No Comments


Above: A young kid bowls.  Notice how long it takes for the ball to actually make it to the end of the lane…

Last night, after an afternoon at work, my brother invited me to hang out with him that evening at the bowling alley.  It was Monday night, which, in my brother’s part of town, meant $2 per game bowling – something I definitely couldn’t turn down since it’s my favorite sport to play.

We get our lane, get our shoes, get our balls (ha ha), and start our bowling game.  On the 3rd or 4th frame, another group of people come arrive in the lane immediately to the left of us to play their own bowling game.

And what did this group of people consist of? A man, a woman… and three young kids who looked to be between the ages of 2 to 6.

Almost instantly, I wished we were in another bowling lane.

Why? Because I hate seeing my favorite sport butchered and/or not played well by a group of the human set too uncoordinated to play it right!

First off: bumpers.  The only reason bowling alleys have bumpers is because kids don’t have the ability to throw a ball in a straight line, and, more often than not, tend to get gutter balls.  I hated the idea of using bumpers when I was a kid because I figured, “How am I supposed to get better at this game if I’m not allowed to make a mistake when I bowl?”

Most kids don’t think like this.  Instead, most kids will try to bowl about 2 or 3 frames and, after getting gutter balls each time, start crying and complaining about how much fun they’re NOT having.  Thus: bumpers!  I’m sorry, but I’m too good at this sport to feel the need to cheat just because a lil’ rugrat of mine is having self-esteem issues over their bowling game!

Speaking of self-esteem: kids are notoriously sore losers.  They get very upset when they’re not good at something, and this is even more true when playing a game like bowling.  Think about it: here’s this kid, trying to hold a heavy ball and use all the force in their little bodies to push it down a long-ass lane; they keep on getting gutter ball after gutter ball; and, when they look at the scoreboard, they see their adult parents racking up 100 to 300 points…

…while their small little behind can barely score a 9?!?  No wonder they get so upset – they’re set up for failure from the get-go!

Then, there are all the little things that kids do that would, personally, distract me from bowling MY best game.  While bowling next to the couple with the 3 kids, I got to see:

  • A mom constantly interupted by her crying 3-year old, whom she had to constantly walk around and carry so he wouldn’t cry (hint: it didn’t work)
  • A young girl who would bowl the ball, and the ball would roll so slowly that – I kid you not – I could bowl a whole turn (i.e. two bowls) then my brother could bowl half his turn before her ball would make it to the end.  I tend to bowl fast, so I KNOW waiting for my kid’s bowling ball to reach the end of the lane would annoy the heck out of me
  • A father who was doing his best to keep the peace by preventing his two daughters from fighting or getting out of hand
  • A young boy (again, the three year old) who wanted to hold on to his dad’s leg, just as the dad was ready to bowl
  • And of course, the oh-so-familiar girl running up to bowl, then letting loose of the ball and throwing it behind her instead of in front of her

Luckily, a guy from another lane came over and wanted to switch lanes with us, and we were more than happy to move – especially me, ’cause it meant not having to spend anymore time around a family of non-bowling, crying, noise making little brats that I hope to NEVER have!

-A.P. Taylor

E-mail: aptistheman@yahoo.com

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #70: They Create Too Much Damn Drama

September 14, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: A woman argues with her son about… well, I don’t know, because it’s in a different language.  No matter the race, they all have one thing in common: they all have kids that create DRAMA!

I live a relatively drama-free life.  I don’t smoke, I don’t drink excessively, I don’t do drugs, and I don’t partake in activities that would have my mind altered to the point where I’d make too many stupid decisions.

I also don’t allow people into my close-knit circle that do these types of things, or have an excessive amount of drama going on.  Oh sure, it’s THEIR drama, but those types of things always end up spilling over to a person’s friends even when they’re not trying to invite it into their own lives personally.

They say a little rain must fall into everyone’s life, and mine has been no different – but I’d like to think that I’ve done a pretty good job of trying to keep the amount of rain to a minimum.

Is should, therefore, be no surprise why a person such as myself who does not want to purposefully add drama to their lives would be against having any children.  Why? ‘Cause when it comes to stirring up troublesome situations, kids are the KINGPINS of drama!

Who else but children can make what would be an otherwise peaceful restaurant outing and turn it into a brawl-fest with the help of their siblings?  Who else but kids can throw a tantrum and ruin a perfectly good day simply because you ask them not to touch something that belongs to YOU?

Who else but a kid can do something stupid enough to nearly get themselves killed, yet try to come up with a logical explanation for doing it – and then get mad at YOU for being mad at them?!?

Ah, kids… they are such drama-creators!  When I think about kids, I immediately think about:

  • The number of fights I’ll have to break up between them (”them” being if they have siblings)
  • The amount of crying I’ll have to hear
  • The number of parent/teacher conferences I’ll have to attend for them messing up in school
  • The amount of safe boxes I’ll have to buy if I want to prevent my kids from breaking things
  • The number of stupid arguments I’ll have to get into
  • The number of events that will be ruined or brought to a heightened amount of drama simply because my kid wants to throw a tantrum of some kind
  • Having to deal with other parents as a result of my kids’ friends, and the drama THEY bring

And so on and so on!

In short, kids bring with them love, joy, and plenty of affection… and they also bring fights, arguments, stupidity, and drama, Drama, DRAMA!! 

I was a theatre major in college – if I want drama, I’ll head back to the stage.  I will NOT, however, have kids for it!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #69: They’re Not All THAT Cute

July 28, 2008 · No Comments

“Awww, wook at dat wittle baby?!? Isn’t he/she so cuuuuute?!?”

Well, if you’re a person who absolutely adores kids, seeing a wide-eyed little rascal batting their eyes while sitting in their baby chair would probably make you answer “yes” to this question.

However, those of us not wanting to have kids would be able to look at this exact same child, and think to themselves, “no, it’s not cute, and I wish I wasn’t anywhere near this kid right now!”

Why the difference in viewpoints?  Because us non-child-wanting people know the facade babies put on for those who are thinking about having kids.  When a person sees a little baby, it’s a scientific fact that their big ol’ dilated pupils are supposed to make adults instantly fall in love with the idea of having kids.  It’s the same reason people think puppies and kittens are so cute, yet rarely say the same thing about older dogs and cats.  It’s all in the eyes, people!

However, depsite this euphoric state of love and bliss babies give off, a baby is only cute for so long – ESPECIALLY if you are the owner of it.

Oh sure, a kid is cute when your best friend brings her kid over for a few hours and they behave like a little angel.  However, a kid’s cuteness wears off pretty quickly, especially once you’ve been around them long enough to see them do the following:

  • Throw up on themselves
  • Go to the bathroom on themselves
  • Cry non-stop for hours at a time
  • Hit back at you
  • Bite/fight you in any way
  • Get food all over their mouth/face/clothes
  • Get into a fight with one of their siblings
  • Break something of value to you
  • Track mud prints through the house on your new rug
  • “Accidentally” do something you already told them not to do

With all the anguishing moments kids can bring into an adult’s life, is it any wonder that they may not seem so cute after a while?  What’s even MORE astonishing is that, despite the fact that they intellectually know a baby won’t always be cute, whenever people see someone else with one, they will inevitably say, “awww, they’re so cute – I wanna have one!”

Well, everyone except for ME, ’cause I’m NEVER having kids!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” - who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #68: Dealing w/Other Kids’ Parents Can Be a Hassle

July 18, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A little league coach gets thrown out of a game, causing a brawl to escalate on the field between all the parents.

The hassles that come with having kids aren’t always kid-related; sometimes, it’s the having to deal with the parents they’re related to that becomes an even BIGGER hassle.

Parents have to be protective of their kids.  After all, the little tykes don’t have the complete mental capacity to always make decisions that are the safest for them.  Unfortunately, the level of child protectiveness a person feels is necessary varies from parent to parent.

All of this is well and good when a person is dealing with their own child.  Throw another person’s child into the mix, however, and things can suddenly start to go hay-wire!

Why? Because when you interact with other people’s children, you are also interacting with a set of parents whose child-raising views, opinions and methods are different from yours.  And when their parenting methods are ones that don’t match with yours, the consequences of dealing with these people can be catastrophic!

For example: you have a kid named Johnny, who has a school chum named Iko.  Iko wants to come over to your house after school to play with Johnny.  After talking to the parents, they agree to allow Iko to go over.  However, they instruct you not to feed Iko any bread because he’s allergic to it, and you tell them it won’t be a problem.  So far, so good, right?

But then: Iko comes over to the house to play with Johnny, and when you leave the room for 5 minutes to go to the bathroom, Iko slips into the kitchen to make himself a Peanut-Butter and Jelly sandwich, which, of course, consist of peanut butter, jelly… and BREAD!! He eats the sandwich before you get back from the bathroom, and, since Iko put all the evidence of sandwich-making away, you don’t notice anything.

10 mintues later, you look over at Johnny and Iko, and notice that Iko is breaking out in bumps on his face.  He’s also staring to cough a lot.  You call Iko’s parents and tell them what’s going on, only to hear from his Mom that the symptons are the result of him eating bread.  Before you can defend yourself, Iko’s parents start going off:

“How DARE you feed our kid bread!  We TOLD you he was allergic to it!! Why are you trying to harm our child!!  I should have KNOWN you couldn’t be trusted – your son always LOOKED like he was a bad influence!!” 

Next thing you know, the both of you are yelling back and forth on the phone, threatening to call the police on the other one for being rude and inconsiderate – all this, while Iko is still coughing his brains out!!

Think this scenario is too far-fetched? HA! This is just an example of a MINOR incident that could occur!  I’ve seen parents fight with other parents over many stupid things, including:

  • Which person’s kid is smarter than the other
  • Aruging over who’s kid is getting more playtime in (name of various sports)
  • Whose kid gets to be first in line for something
  • The last of a popular Christmas toy on the shelf at a Toy Store
  • Which kid REALLY got the biggest half of cake
  • Whose kid did more work on a school project
  • Which kid deserves a better scholarship deal/college placement
  • Whose kid is taller. Yes, you read that correctly!

The fact is, since most parents see their child as the end-all, be-all savior of the future, any other parent that comes along with their own kid is a threat to that ideal.  And personally, I can live without the hassle of other parents meddling in my life!!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story could be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #67: They Fall for Peer Pressure Too Easily

July 12, 2008 · No Comments

Above: A fat kid sitting on top of a playground set is pressured into jumping.  WARNING: you may laugh out loud at this!!

Everybody has a need or desire to fit in with those closest to them.  Unfortunately, kids and teenagers need for acceptance is often so high, they will do just about anything to get it – even if it means doing something dumb.

This next part may sound like I’m being idealistic, but when I was a kid/teenager, I didn’t really fall for peer pressure all that often.  I was so focused on trying to be an “individual” that other things people tried to get me to do – smoke, drink, have sex, sneak out of the house – seemed stupid to me.  Heck, I didn’t even have my first alcoholic drink until I was the legal age of 21!

Most people, however, are not like me.  As such, I viewed many of my middle school/high school peers become influenced by those closest to them to do some of the aforementioned stupid things. This wouldn’t be so much of a problem if it weren’t for one smaaaaaall thing…

THEIR STUPID ACTIONS AFFECTED NOT ONLY THEM, BUT THEIR PARENTS!

Oh sure, they think it makes for a great story when they get caught underage drinking and being sent to jail overnight.  However, it’s not so funny for the parents who end up having to put up bail money to get their dumb-ass kid out of jail!

Oh sure, the kid will be in agony when he has to go to the hospital after jumping off his friend’s rooftop simply because he was being called a “chicken.”  Even more agonizing: the medical bill the parents will have to pay to get his dumb-ass bandaged up in the first place – and that’s just if surgery isn’t needed!

Oh sure, that person’s daughter might feel she just HAS to have sex with every guy she dates so he’ll like her.  But guess what? It’s not so good for the parents when they find out their daughter either (a) has an STD that now requires them to buy meds to control her outbreak, or (b) gets pregnant, and has to deal with a baby of a baby simply because she couldn’t say NO!

Now, some parent will read this and think, “Geez, A.P.!  All you have to do is teach your kids right from wrong, how to make correct decisions, and how to value themselves, and they won’t fall for peer pressure as easily!”

Aww, that sounds so… what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh right - it sounds IDEALISTIC. 

In reality, when a kid is solo by his or herself, away from the parents, and 10 other kids close in age are chanting for them to run through the girl’s bathroom just ONE time (thanks a LOT, my ex-3rd grade class!), all that stuff they heard from their parent may just go right out the window. 

It’s similar to two people being in the mood to have sex, and there’s no condoms around: just because you know you SHOULDN’T proceed with an action, doesn’t mean it will stop you from doing so!

When kids do this stuff, though, they never think about how their actions will affect others around them, ESPECIALLY their parents!  For all they care, they just assume Mom and Dad will help them deal with whatever consequences may result from their careless stupidity, brought on by the mounting peer pressure they were facing at the time.

Well, you know what?  I ain’t helpin’ any kid deal with ANYTHING, ’cause I’m NOT having them!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your “Why I’m NEVER Having Kids” stories/ideas to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.  If you’re a parent, send your “Dealing w/Kids Horror Stories” – who knows, your story may be the catalyst for my next blog!

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Why I’m NEVER Having Kids #66: Getting Kids to Eat Certain Foods is a Chore

July 8, 2008 · 1 Comment

Above: A young girl cries because she doesn’t want to eat her veggies.  And she’s LOUD.

Kids can be stubborn, especially when it comes to eating.  Why, you ask?  Here are some fun fact, courtesy of Oprah’s own Dr. Oz:

  • Whereas Adults have an average of about 30,000 taste buds on their tongues, children only have about 10,000.  This means the range of foods they dislike is a lot higher than someone older than them.
  • This dates back to the days when humans lived out in the woods.  As most parents know, kids like to put a LOT of things in their mouth, regardless of if said item should be going there.  However, poisonous things have a bitter taste, and kids’ taste buds are designed to NOT want bitter-tasting foods near them as a way of self-protecting themselves from something harmful.

Unfortunately, something else has a bitter, unpleasant taste to kids: VEGETABLES.  And since their taste buds are designed to reject bitter-tasting foods, they can be quite adamant about not eating them.

Children have to be taught to eat vegetables so their tastebuds can overcome this “oh my god, this stuff taste SO bitter” phase.  Unfortunately, getting to that point can take YEARS, and you know what that means:

Lots and lots and LOTS of fights during dinner involving you trying to get your little one to eat vegetables!

Remember all those times you were able to eat an entire meal with your significant other and enjoy everything on your plate?  Well, kiss those days goodbye – now, half your meal will be spent trying to get your little rug-rat to eat 2 small pieces of broccoli!  Never mind the fact that the kid just had a whole heap of mashed potatoes with gravy, greasy fried chicken, and a slice of bread with no problem – those 2 SMALL pieces of broccoli will NOT be tolerated by your child!

I’ve seen the crap parents have to go through with their kids during meal time, and it doesn’t look fun. A dinner that should take 20 minutes to eat is expanded to almost an hour because the parent has to sit there trying to negotiate with their kid on eating the healthiest part of their whole meal. Does the following dialogue sound familiar to anybody:

Parent: “Okay, honey, just eat that last bit of spinach so I can clean off the table.”

Kid: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Parent: “For the love of God, just take two bites of it, it’s good for you!”

Kid: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Parent: “Well, you’ll be sitting here all night if you don’t take those two bites!!”

Kid: (Reluctantly places the spinach on fork and puts it in mouth.  Proceeds to spit it back out.) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Parent: (Picks up fork, places spinach back on fork) “That’s it, you are going to eat this thing if I have to make you!! Now, open up!”

Kid: (With mouth closed) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Furthermore, according to Dr. Oz, a kid has to be exposed to a vegetable about 10 times before they’ll finally decide, “Eh, this isn’t that bad after all.”  DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VEGETABLES THERE ARE OUT THERE?!?

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